Almost

Can we just all take one moment tonight to acknowledge the multiple mistakes I made the past year. I am currently doing that terrible thing some people call thinking and this is what's on my mind- free flow starting now:

I f*ck!d things up with you a long time ago and to date I live with the consequences, you are my greatest learning lesson, the one that got away, and most importantly the person who can see past the thick skin I portray. I should have never thought I was better than anyone, mainly you. I have learned while my mom taught me different, it's okay to open up and express how you feel. Shocker another lesson learned too late.

You are going to read this, hopefully not tonight and you should know I am crying, shaking, miserable it finally hit- the pain I have caused you and the damage I do by not admitting what I am feeling. The doctor told me a long time ago not to bottle, who listens to doctors though right? I'm in deep this time, all the songs, smells, hobbies, and even this blog reminds me off you and what I have lost. All because of one mistake, a major learning lesson, potentially a regret, and mainly the source of 9 months worth of misery all coming down to now because after all August marks a year since i reached out to you, trying to do the right thing, September marks a first kiss, and October marks the downward spirals our lives turned into post our week long almost. Because that's exactly what this will always be; almost.

Back to reality- if you know me don't read into this, if it doesn't shout your name it's not for you, and mainly if you finger point then you are probably too nosey for me to care but I will because mistakes change people, good bad or indifferent I am changed.

Thunderstorms

I don't know why I titled this thunderstorms, it might have something to do with the way the skies opened up about 5 minutes ago and is currently emptying itself. Boyfriend and I hadn't really seen each other up until last night when he kidnapped me and took me on a little journey to the fire department. At first I thought it was totally stupid, like the fire house in the middle of a cow field is not romantic but after giving it a chance it kind of in it's own way was. We snuggled a bit and listened to the scanner for our county occasionally asking each other things, that's when it happened.

Laying there he asked what stereotype I would fit into best and that's when I finally said it. I said I was the typical all women's college stereotype he gave me a funny look and I said it- "I was a LUG" (Lesbian until Graduation) and he said okay and changed the subject. Was that me secretly admitting it to myself- that I'm not cut out for women, or was it the beginning of another long self discovery period figuring out what I like.

I was shocked at myself that I couldn't honestly say one way or another. I have said for weeks that I didn't know what I was doing but do I? The thing is I love women sexually and, physically I connect with them. But looking back I can not do another breakup like Ti, and I never want to. So is that the answer was my break up with Ti the final straw am I straight? For someone who had my shit altogether tied up in a bag and finally moving on, I think I might have opened a whole new garbage bag of issues.

P.S. Stalk some blogs today kids- after all it's Friday thanks to my favorite pregnant lady there are some good ones linked up!

Standing

I am standing up, standing up for everything I deserve. I am standing up for who I am, standing up for what's right. Mama always told me I am the best daughter she could have, dad's always been so proud. So today, right now, from this point forward I am standing. No more cowardly statements, no more weakness. I am perfect as me, I am proud of myself, I follow my heart, and do what's right for me. I chose not to push down others, I am me and they are them. So today for the first time in as long as I can remember I am choosing to stand.


Camera told me today something no one else has quite yet and it touched me, she said "Meg you're allowed to be angry, you CAN be upset, and it's okay.." I don't know why I thought it wasn't I guess because for the past weeks I have been the one standing up and getting pushed down for my beliefs. Honestly, I am so sick of fighting and so hurt by all the lying and deceit but, I woke up this morning and realized I did nothing wrong. Ti wants to see others and I need to let her make her own bed. TSwift wants to push me away, there's the door kid.

So often I beat myself down for choices I made as a kid, but those choices helped me grow up with the strength I have today. I know I am worth something more then what Ti and I concluded as, and I know she will look back one day and hopefully be happy with what I could give at the time, and as for TSwift I can only hope for the best. I find myself wondering constantly what if I hadn't fought about this, or said that and I see not I shouldn't have to do that because, the one honest thing I know I did was I always stoop up for what I believed in just like momma said.

I don't wish the worst for Ti, I knew the day we started dating she would break my heart into a million and one tiny fragments and she did. Does it suck being lied to; yes. Does it suck being cheated on; absolutely. Does it hurt to know there is no more between us; without a doubt. But one day I will be a little stronger, one day soon I will know TSwift will regret losing our friendship and Ti will miss the way I loved her.

Until then some love notes-

TSwift,
Words can not explain the way you have made me feel in the past year, I hope you know that I always cared about you and would never separated you and Domestic Partner. One day you will grow up and realize you are worth more than what either of us could give you, and hopefully find peace. I was listening to Stay Beautiful the other day and I realized that the song is song perfect for us I don't know I ever realized it before. So in closing- "You're beautiful, every little piece love and don't you know your really gonna be someone? Ask anyone. So when you find everything you're looking for, I hope that life leads you back to my front door, oh but if it don't stay beautiful.."

Ti,
In the past months you have honestly showed me the best and worst of what love really is. Looking back I can promise you I will cherish both the good and bad times between us, you taught me so much. I know deep down I will never forgive you for the break up text messages and cheating on our love (I wont even say me because I guess your feelings for me were questionable throughout the last moth) but I know one day I will see this heartbreak for the better. You have opened the door for me to become a greater person than I ever realized I was and for that I am eternally grateful. I wish for nothing but the best for you but as I have learned karma is a bitch, watch your back. Life is a up hill race Ti and one day I know you will see that you have to learn to walk up the hills rather then just drop out of the race.

Dirty Laundry

I have plenty, I guess that it's starting to pile a bit and at my old wise age of 21 I have chosen to air what I feel are my biggest mistakes, slips, oopsies, trips, and my one regret. I wish I had a reason for writing this I feel like it would have greater influence if I did, or maybe I would just feel better about airing said dirty laundry if I could just talk about it- but I can't and mostly I won't. The people who matter to me read my blog and frankly this will probably be a one time thing, I hate admitting I'm wrong.

So where do I start, oh hell lets hit the big one first.

My best friend and I A haha oh A, damn it I love that girl. Right around November however we slipped into this really moody and disastrous cycle. Neither one of us were happy and both of us were stressed to the limits. We had a falling out, looking back it was the hardest thing I ever dealt with I do take a good portion of the blame there was a lot of really shitty instances that should have been avoided. Ultimately I let a girl get between my best friend and I, my own immaturity is what I regret the most which went hand in hand with my stubbornness I know I am lucky that she took me back, and I am even luckier that everything worked out.

The other big one.

Lets talk about my "Other Girl" I don't really like that nick name though it is fitting I like to think of her as my TSwift (she'll get it). I have wrote about her a great deal here in my blog, she is one of a kind truly. Skipping over all the things I could ramble on about over and over again, I really screwed with her. I was the epitome of what every lesbian turns and runs away from when they meet another lesbian. She was so young and I really could have done some damage. We are both lucky. The thing is through it all she put up with it, really well I must say. Today we are friends, good friends- we get each other better then most and both know that leaning on the other is expected when needed. She is wonderful and I am thankful.

Rereading this post I don't know why I am writing about these incidents. I guess it makes me feel better it's out there and no one can hold it against me. This is who I am and lately I have become much better at not only accepting but loving myself. So there it is, I hope I encouraged someone else to feel a little better about their own dirty laundry.

My Explanation

Yeah I fucked you over, I am well aware of everything I did to you. I ran you over with my emotional instability however, in my own defense I warned you. Let me explain.

There was this girl, I knew her sister.
She walked in on my class meeting.
Our eyes met, I knew.
She tried to talk to me.
Her sister fucked us over.
I reached out months later.
Some flirting.
A couple of kisses.
A whole lot of cute gestures.
I choose a different freshman.
She forgives.
Doesn't forget.
Drunken night.
Disastrous fight (my fault).
I told her I wasn't ready.
She stuck around.
I hurt her really bad.
No talking.
One night of a lot of drunken texts.
Blame laid.
I told her she knew she had it coming.
Months later we talk.
Things calm.
She still puts up with me.
I still text her.
She gives me chances.
I don't deserve them.
Finally we arrive.
April 26th 2011.
Timing sucks.
What the fuck?
She writes about me on her blog.
I finally tell the truth.

Lines get crossed everyday. Why do I text her, I don't know. Does she not know me still, or are all these second chances worth something more. So many mind games. Are there ever going to answers. Should we be talking. I hurt her bad. She pisses me off. We are completely opposite. Oh and I have a girlfriend. Where does this vicious cycle ever end? Will she ever get the diaster I am everyday. Who do I pick, why should I have to pick. Ti picks me, I love her. This girl doesn't know. Frankly I don't know if I can be friends.

Trying hard.

Blank Templates

Alas, starring at the blank screen on my Blogger account. No excuses I haven't written I know. I should make excuses, I should write more, after another couple crisises and more sleepless nights. So why haven't I written you may ask? Again I have the ever lasting issue, too many read my Blog at least from my personal life. Honestly I do like it, most of the time.

It's hard though where do I draw the line between spilling my heart, and censoring myself for the sake of my flakey friendships, the endless college drama, and my good hearted girlfriend. I have written about this some many times previous really, however this time I am really feeling it, and it's beginning to hit hard. There are so many things I want to say. I feel like I need to say but at the end of the day, I created this monster (of giving my URL out) and now I have to fix it.

Long story short on my hectic life last night was hard, finals week is fast approaching followed bye too many goodbyes and a hell of alotta tears. No one here is looking forward to it, and everyone is on edge. I have made a couple new friends and sealed a bond that I think is going to last, maybe I will talk about this.

Enter Camera not her real name but she'll figure it out (after I tell her). She's been around over the years never a close friend but always a good source of the latest and greatest. She was willing to listen rather than lecture when my life fell to pieces. She dated A once upon a time and now she is securing her spot in my top 10 (throw back) thank god because life has been a little less dull thanks to this kid.

Camera introduced me to my Kate (name given in relation to the obsession we share with the soon to be princess) she is truly a gift. Kate and I understand each other, we have very similar living situations and I have been able to open up to her lately, more so than I ever have with any new kid in my life. Kate and I spend a lot of time together but what I love about her is the lack of guilt she throws my way if I need a T.O. from life for a day and don't get to hang out. She gets me.

Kate has a large group of friends as well, "The Followers" most I like there are a couple loose ends I could do without but I like them all for one reason or another and they have been nothing but welcoming to me. This feeling of being welcomed really truly is something new to me, looking at my life now I am assured to have a great SENIOR YEAR in school.

Perfection's Dirty Secret

Perfection's grass used to look so green to me, I wanted to be perfect in the worst possible way. I wanted the BEST grades, the hottest clothes, and the most rocking body. When my mom finally married and all of these things became at my disposal quickly; I could shop solely at A&E and A&F if I wanted, my friends always wanted to come hang out at my new house, and I got to workout with a trainer and slowly lost most of my chubbiness.

Then time moved on the clothes got old, shopping lost it's charm, I got bored with my new fake friends, and I was never skinny enough. Out of know Perfection hit me with a Mac Truck and told me a valuable secret, Perfection's dirty little secret was nothings perfect, and money won't buy you happiness.

Perfection was right, I never wanted to be perfect again. Now looking back I'm happier not perfect then I ever was when I was perfect. Because my rocking clothes fell apart, my great grades take a lot of work, and being fit can turn into a disaster really quickly. Looking back that path was the wrong choice but, I learned a lot rich kids can teach you a lot:

1. How to score booze underage.
2. How to make your makeup look REALLY slutty.
3. How to call your limo driver to come get your ass.
4. How to con your parents into a sweet new phone.
5. How to bullshit your homework and teachers.

See the value in these lessons! Needless to say I think I am going to stick to the imperfect life I have now, being a poor college student is fun. Plus then what would you all get to read about if I wasn't a chubby, messy, goofy, poor, college kid!

Lesson #64 - Flaws are the new perfect.

Cue the Light Bulb

Sometimes life sends me in weird directions (pretty much always ass backwards), they always pan out slowly and I think they are funny. Today I got more perspective on this, more than ever before I was so STRONG. I don't normally preach lately I see myself doing it more (I'm working on that by the way). Anyway, strength is a funny thing but I am crediting myself today with the most strength I have ever had.

Paths are funny things, ever since I have been at school this year there has been turmoil on my path. I had thought about changing course multiple times but with things good with A, and SC finally happy I figured life was getting better just slowly and I needed to be patient because as good as it has been there is one person it's not been good with, one last loose end.

M sat across from me at lunch, she was talking about me and blatantly criticizing me (ouch). I was sitting there seething. Frankly I was pissed, wicked pissed. The old Meg would have jumped on the opportunity to bitch her out and cause a scene similar to something from Mean Girls (bus and all). But I looked across my table instead and I saw SR+CC then I looked to my left and Ti was there with me, I realized something so huge.

Cue the light bulb, seriously bear with me.

M was spending her lunch worrying about me, and my world. She was so fixated on me that she almost pulled me in to her misery AGAIN. But me? I was spending lunch with my friends and girlfriend. I am happy, there is nothing in my life to worry about for the first time in a long time my life was calm, I am at peace. So why ruin it.

By George I got it, this 21 year old just had the epiphany of the century.

So instead of screaming and yelling, instead of causing a scene, instead of more drama, I ate my pizza (it was good)! Applause for me. Because today I had the strength to move past the hurdles someone constructed. I am unfazed finally. Watch out dark drama filled underworld. This chubbie chick is coming out and NEVER going back.

Lesson #62 - Worry about you.

Because I May be Bad, But I'm Perfectly Good at It!

I found someone unexpected on Blogger yesterday, I won't call her an ex but we weren't just friends. She was a someone for a couple weeks in my life, though it hurts to admit I used her as a place filler and that was wrong. I thought about contacting her, in fact I had the text open on my phone but, I didn't know what to write. The whole experience was really eye opening, it made me think about how many mistakes I made the past year.

It's is safe to say I am on my path of redemption but I do not regret a thing that happened to me. I am a jerk sometimes, I'm extremely selfish, I over think and criticize a lot of things, but I love with passion, I live for a reason, and I laugh like it's my last chance to breath. Everyone has skeletons, everyone makes mistakes but it's what you do with your skeletons, and the decisions you make after the wrong ones that make you who you are.

So what happened with us you might ask? I met her last year, we got off to a terrible start her big sister was the secretary on my class board (I was the president) she sat in on one of my board meetings, I could feel her looking at me, she watched me like a hawk. I was initially flattered then, her sister creeped me out telling me she stalked me, do I think she stalked me? No but maybe close. She enrolled in my school the next fall I decided to throw my judgement out the window and befriend her, I gave her a shot when S and I broke up. I was hurt, broken, fragile, and ready to feel something and, when I realized she was only attaching to me I cut her off, dropped her like a hot potato, and broke her heart.

It wasn't meant to work romantically, she and I can't be friends though (she wanted to be) I knew it wasn't good for either of us. So in true Meg fashion I took those pieces of her broken heart and set them on fire. Ridding her of me and my dysfunction junction until she matures. Maybe one day she and I will be friends again, after she grows up. Maybe one day the karma for what I did will bite me in the ass, either way I'm prepared.

It's been a weird week so far and oh it's Monday? I heard from S again, I'm getting down right annoyed by her messages now. She needs to move on, it bothers me. Tomorrow is the first day of spring semester and I am extremely excited! I just feel like it's my next step, everything is right with the world. I am happy. I'm going to leave on this note.

Chubbie Chick Lesson #54 - 1 year from now it will be my last semester of my under grad degree, I think I can, I think I can. 114 days until SUMMER!

Having Sex and Making Love

You know what really gets me, like totally baffles me the difference between sex and making love? It's the same action but depending on the performance level, setting, and the words exchanged it is completely different. The given is obviously, how the persons involved feel about each other but can't you have sex and make love with the same person if you love them, where as you can't make love to a person you don't love or have love for so, then wouldn't it just be sex? Really what makes them so much different and is it the same with gay men and women the way it is with heterosexual men and women?

Sex can be emotionless, you can "fuck" someone who you met that same day and while there is always some guilt the next day it's still fairly acceptable.

Making Love is something two people in love do. It's the act of becoming intimate with each other and being connected physically as much as mentally.

I can easily say I have had sex with people and not had "love" for them, I can't say that about making love. I have found being a woman of experience [HAHA] it is much harder to have sex with out emotion with other women then men. It is also safe to say that I have had much more loveless sex with men then women, in fact I have not had loveless sex ever with a woman. None the less I am not justifying either of them, I can remember the days I planned on "waiting" until true love came or marriage, that plan didn't happen for me and while I regret it, everything happens for a reason.

What do you guys think, I would love to hear other insights and opinions-

Lazy Saturday

Oh lazy Saturdays how I love you, being under the weather this week has completely stunk! Not to mention the 1.5 feet of snow my home state decided to dump on my house and car last night is totally cramping my style. So instead of shopping, going to the movies, partying, or any of the normal things I do on the weekends I am home on my couch watching Beverly Hills 90210 not the new show but the throw back 90's version (the best version). Doing so all morning I have been thinking of some of my favorite things in life, and realizing I don't do very much for myself not the way I used too. 

Once upon my freshman year I enacted this rule in my life, Sundays were my days I would make it a point to get my work done and everything else so that I could do what I wanted on Sundays like read, get coffee, watch movies, whatever. Then I got busier and had a girlfriend and growing up started filling up my schedule. I would like to do something like that again, recently I have been reading abut the 101 goals in 1001 days it looks fun but it's a huge commitment. So what to do, what to do? I guess I need to think about it.

The plan so far? One Sunday a month I'm having Sunday Meg Day. I'm not sure how I will work it or if I will just go with the flow but I have about 70$ worth of change that I have been saving for 2 years I am going to cash some of it in and begin a Meg Day fund to get myself movies or food, a book, and anything else I would want! Maybe it's just me but I'm 21 years old and I do live a stressful life if I continue bottling my stress like I do now, I won't have to worry about looking good at 30 because I'll end up grey at 23.

Chubbie Chick Confession #52- Sunday Meg Day is where it's at!

Human

Let me introduce myself. Hi. I'm a human. I have feelings and needs. I care what people think and strive for greatness. But you don't make this easy for me. You call yourself my friend. My best friend. But let me just tell you something. Friends don't make friends feel shitty. Best friends are there. Most of all PEOPLE care.

Okay vent session? I have been abandoned. It's the worst feeling in the world. I don't have a person to care for my well being within ten miles of me. I am living in a nightmare that I can't wake up from. I have no idea where I am going, or how to fix myself. My choices- treat her the way she treats me, show her how I feel when I am outcasted and unloved or just fucking let it go because I need someone in my life I need someone to help me. But she isn't helping, and further more she doesn't deserve me. I am a great, no awesome person. Why can't people see this. Why can't I seem to find a friend. Abandonment is starting to effect me more than I let on. I can not do this.

Things school wise aren't much better. I need to get out of this place. I need to run away. I want to but where can I go. My mistakes have officially out weighed my accomplishments. I'm lost and stranded. What am I going to do. No one sees that i'm screaming for help on the inside. But I am. I need help. I'm so lost. I can't do this. After all I am just a human, with no help. No love is getting worst by the moment. I am starting to feel sick. It's official I can not survive this on my own. Guess it's time to call mom and tell her how bad it is. Disappointment nice to meet you.

Chubbie Chick Lesson #35 - This is too much. Just try to survive this.

Communication

I love to talk. It's my favorite pass-time but it has become more and more clear to me that I am a terrible communicator. I have gotten myself in and out of many predicaments this past year and the one common denominator is always communication, either I do it too much or not enough. So where do I go from here, that is the question at hand.

Since I have no clue where I'm going let me first catch you up on how I got here. First, I tried to mend things slowly with S, apparently I didn't communicate how slow I needed to go and a week after things were good; they blew up. I also got a tattoo on a complete whim.. that however I am totally proud of. It says "follow your heart" I think I need to take my own advice especially since it's written on my body. I also have been really sick, however I am getting better thank god because whatever plague I had knocked me on my ass for a solid week and I'm still playing catch up on my life. Gotta love communal living with a bunch of sick college students. What am I doing.

So back to the communication dilemma. I have no flipping clue. The more I think about it the more I think this has nothing to do with communication and everything to do with S and I being together and if  I really want this as bad as said/ thought I did or if I was just really lonely.

Chubbie Chick Lesson #33 - Figuring out what you want in life might be the hardest thing you ever face, maybe you need a GPS for life.

Meg

With or Without You

I hope you know, I wanna be okay.

I've Come to Realize

1. I've come to realize that my chest-size. . .
is something I'm learning to cherish.

2. I've come to realize that my job. . .
will be more fun than I'm anticipating.

3. I've come to realize that when I'm driving. . .
I'm in a totally different world.

4. I've come to realize that I need. . .
love, music, and sunshine.

5. I've come to that realize that I have lost. . .
the girl I was and found the woman I will become.

6. I've come to realize that I hate it when. . .
people bring me down.

7. I've come to realize that money. . .
won't chose my path.

8. I've come to realize that certain people. . .
will never fully see the way I do, and that's okay.

9. I've come to realize that I'll always. . .
wonder what J&I could've been.

10. I've come to realize that my sibling(s). . .
is not going to accept I'm gay, that hurts me.

11. I've come to realize that my mom. . .
means well but hurts me more than anyone.

12. I've come to realize that my cell phone. . .
is something I can live without, I just don't want too.

13. I've come to realize that when I woke up this morning. . .
happy to have what I do have.

14. I've come to realize that last night before I went to sleep. . .
I missed S so much it hurt.

15. I've come to realize that right now I am thinking. . .
about how to see her soon.

16. I've come to realize that my dad. . .
is trying even when he doesn't show it.

17. I've come to realize that when I get on Facebook. . .
I never get anything accomplished.

18. I've come to realize that today. . .
will be okay, if I try.

19. I've come to realize that tonight. . .
I'm going to sleep and try to relax.

20. I've come to realize that tomorrow. . .
I'll be a little more okay missing her.

21. I've come to realize that I really want to. . .
See my girl.

22. I've come to realize that the person most likely to make me smile. . .
is too far away.

23. I've come to realize that life. . .
is something people should treasure, not waste.

24. I've come to realize that this weekend. . .
was so fun.

25. I've realized the best music to listen to when I am upset. . .
Hinder obviously.

26. I've come to realize that my friends. . .
will make things okay no matter what.

27. I've come to realize that this year . . .
isn't over yet, and I wont quit.

28. I've come to realize that my exes. . .
came into my life for a reason, I'm stronger.

29. I've come to realize that maybe I should. . .
let things go.

30. I've come to realize that I love. . .
her more than anyone in the entire world.

31. I've come to realize that I don't understand. . .
why people chose the paths they do, but it's their choice!

32. I've come to believe. . .
EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON.

33. I HAVE ULTIMATELY COME TO REALIZE. . .
That the only person I should have to please is myself.