Tuesday Troublemaker

My newest idea- I love to rant so maybe every week I can limit my ranting just for Tuesday hmm we shall see!

I have been bullied all of my life and until I went to college I never realized how strong it made me. I hate the stigma that is bullies because frankly most bullies do not; steal your lunch box, aren't overly big, and don't wait for you on a corner. My hate for bullies is strong which makes my job as a camp counselor and teacher extremely hard because I frankly want to let all of them know exactly what bullying does to people.

I am 21 years old and today I was bullied AGAIN what the ph-uh-ck (sound it out) I am not going to give the details because I don't care enough about it, what I care about is the people who can't brush it off and can't let it go, the one's who don't have thick skin.  I hate knowing there are girls, boys, men, and women who everyday feel like they have had enough, and just wish for something better.

I know at the end of the day I am not the greatest person in the world, I know their are probably moments when I make people feel less than they are but, at least I try my best to not hurt the way some of these ph-uh-ck-ers do. I want to tell everyone it gets better but does it? Until today I honestly thought it does get better but again some asshole proves me wrong.

What's in a Word

Please someone please tell me that I am not the only person in this world who was told to "say what you mean and mean what you say."

If I was literally the only person ever given that lecture, please allow me.

Ever so often we walk into situations in which we are uncomfortable, uneasy, nervous, ect. in these situations especially we must always remind ourselves that it is worst to say something you don't understand, know, or believe in then to say nothing at all. We live in a world of free speech but let me be the first to say, just because you can say what you want doesn't mean you should. 


Okay now that the moral of the story is clear let me give you the back story.

Warning the words used in this blog entry are not appropriate and normally I wouldn't use them at all, sorry.


I was sitting at dinner at my school, in a very public, open space with CC, SR, and of course Ti enjoying my meal. At some point into my main course I over heard the girls behind me first muttering certain words (bitch, slut, whore, cee U next tuesday, lesbian p*ssy lickers and fag) thinking nothing of it because we go to college and normally curse where ever we want I went back to my food. Not ten minutes later the words were louder and vocalized in a much more derogatory manner, at this point my friends leave i'm pissed off and Ti is angry that our fun friend time was ruined. Ti left for class soon after and I decided enough was enough. I got up and sat down at their table and began the follow speech.

"I don't mean to interrupt your dinner but since you interrupted mine I find it totally necessary. I know that we are all woman here and should be adult enough to know that such harsh words and stigmas probably should not be shouted in a public space. Frankly, you have offended me and most of my friends and I would encourage you to do your ranting about lesbians, and all of the other words you choked up in a dorm where your immaturity won't have to be heard by others."

Following that little rant, I got looks from around the table and the littlest one with the biggest mouth replied..

"Listen cracker, I don't know what crawled up your ass and died but you should probably jump off a cliff and die a painful death. My n*ggas and I were just talkin.."

Okay well now I am angry.

"Okay ladies with those fighting words dropped I am going to leave you with this thought, please always remember you are never alone there is always someone an earshot away that might be offended by what you are saying. Just like if I sat at the table next to you and said because of the color of your skin you are not worthy enough to be at this school and you are all just n*ggers you would feel like shit frankly"


And with that I left, I was pissed off and angry but I knew that anything would be better than finishing that conversation. Needless to say, please remember what you say represents you and someone is always listening.

Fits Hitting The Shan

Life is crazy, if you haven't gotten that from my last 10 posts you should catch up. It's Sunday this weekend has been made up of so many ups and downs, where to begin.

Thursday- After a disappointing beginning finding out I had not been picked for a selective 2 position spot at my college, I went shopping with a friend and sucked it up. Life was okay and after a 4 hour mall trip filled with errands completed and a lot of needed laughs I decided to go to the softball game, no one was there so sat next to my ex T and had a good catch up sess when the cellphone rang. SC (shit) I'd been blowing her off admittedly because I wasn't ready to be told to get my shit together, anyway it was a friend 911* and I sped to her apartment (fast). Fourish hours later she was asleep with her girl and I was lost in Hartford without my GPS. Call my girlfriend who gets nervous for me making me more nervous. Unlost myself go back to school sleep away my depression.

Friday- Wake up late, go to my only class. Hang out at school waiting for Ti. Go to lunch at Panera for some much needed carbs. Go to her apartment nap, talk, and laugh (feeling better now). After that it's time to get ready, Gala is finally here I looked good and my self esteem is high. Arrive at Gala already buzzed proceed to drink [more] end up being sloppy, had a great night.

Saturday- Holy shit hangover. Lay in bed most of the day, Ti and I catch up on sleep. A called from boot camp something is not right, I am worried try to put it off when her parents called and said they were also worried, oh shit. Rent a few movies, do some chores, watch movies and have a huge fight. Go to sleep in love knowing full well that these fights are worth it.

Sunday- Well it's 12:15 I have not gotten out of bed, when I do hopefully I survive. Also after writing this all out realized haven't heard from SC and I'm pretty sure that ticks me off, so much for retribution or thank yous, sometimes it's nice to feel appreciated.

Cue the Light Bulb

Sometimes life sends me in weird directions (pretty much always ass backwards), they always pan out slowly and I think they are funny. Today I got more perspective on this, more than ever before I was so STRONG. I don't normally preach lately I see myself doing it more (I'm working on that by the way). Anyway, strength is a funny thing but I am crediting myself today with the most strength I have ever had.

Paths are funny things, ever since I have been at school this year there has been turmoil on my path. I had thought about changing course multiple times but with things good with A, and SC finally happy I figured life was getting better just slowly and I needed to be patient because as good as it has been there is one person it's not been good with, one last loose end.

M sat across from me at lunch, she was talking about me and blatantly criticizing me (ouch). I was sitting there seething. Frankly I was pissed, wicked pissed. The old Meg would have jumped on the opportunity to bitch her out and cause a scene similar to something from Mean Girls (bus and all). But I looked across my table instead and I saw SR+CC then I looked to my left and Ti was there with me, I realized something so huge.

Cue the light bulb, seriously bear with me.

M was spending her lunch worrying about me, and my world. She was so fixated on me that she almost pulled me in to her misery AGAIN. But me? I was spending lunch with my friends and girlfriend. I am happy, there is nothing in my life to worry about for the first time in a long time my life was calm, I am at peace. So why ruin it.

By George I got it, this 21 year old just had the epiphany of the century.

So instead of screaming and yelling, instead of causing a scene, instead of more drama, I ate my pizza (it was good)! Applause for me. Because today I had the strength to move past the hurdles someone constructed. I am unfazed finally. Watch out dark drama filled underworld. This chubbie chick is coming out and NEVER going back.

Lesson #62 - Worry about you.

Block Button?

I don't vent often but..
Leaving my blog open publicly was a choice I made with EXTREME caution. Days like today I regret it, but then I remember one thing: my writing. You can take people's ideas, their thought, twist and morph them so you look original but you can't take my writing, you wont ever be able to formulate thoughts like mine. I am original. After this entry I wont care.

I wish I knew then (Summer '09) what I know today, I would have been more okay. But I didn't and hindsight is twenty - twenty. I can finally look back and say, I win. I can look at you and your fake attitude and know you aren't okay and laugh (on the inside).

My blog was supposed to be my diary, the lessons were going to be for my readers but in all honesty they are my biggest learning lessons yet. On June 1st I wrote a lesson - "I am stronger because of the tears. " I am smarter than I think, but I am stronger as well. Without these terrible people who have crossed my path I would not be this strong.

In 2009 if I had a blog I would have bitched said two-faced idiot out but today I just continue on my path. I know karma will come around, I know I am better off. So continue to take my ideas, it just means I am doing something right.

So today I am going to take a moment of silence for these people, and pray for them Karma hurts and I know no one else can pray for them (she is pretty well hated around these parts). After this post I will unblock the block I just placed on you a few minutes ago because I  never want to stoop to your level again.

Lesson # 61 - There is a right way and a wrong way in life, I'm pretty sure I made a good choice that summer.

Human

Let me introduce myself. Hi. I'm a human. I have feelings and needs. I care what people think and strive for greatness. But you don't make this easy for me. You call yourself my friend. My best friend. But let me just tell you something. Friends don't make friends feel shitty. Best friends are there. Most of all PEOPLE care.

Okay vent session? I have been abandoned. It's the worst feeling in the world. I don't have a person to care for my well being within ten miles of me. I am living in a nightmare that I can't wake up from. I have no idea where I am going, or how to fix myself. My choices- treat her the way she treats me, show her how I feel when I am outcasted and unloved or just fucking let it go because I need someone in my life I need someone to help me. But she isn't helping, and further more she doesn't deserve me. I am a great, no awesome person. Why can't people see this. Why can't I seem to find a friend. Abandonment is starting to effect me more than I let on. I can not do this.

Things school wise aren't much better. I need to get out of this place. I need to run away. I want to but where can I go. My mistakes have officially out weighed my accomplishments. I'm lost and stranded. What am I going to do. No one sees that i'm screaming for help on the inside. But I am. I need help. I'm so lost. I can't do this. After all I am just a human, with no help. No love is getting worst by the moment. I am starting to feel sick. It's official I can not survive this on my own. Guess it's time to call mom and tell her how bad it is. Disappointment nice to meet you.

Chubbie Chick Lesson #35 - This is too much. Just try to survive this.

Communication

I love to talk. It's my favorite pass-time but it has become more and more clear to me that I am a terrible communicator. I have gotten myself in and out of many predicaments this past year and the one common denominator is always communication, either I do it too much or not enough. So where do I go from here, that is the question at hand.

Since I have no clue where I'm going let me first catch you up on how I got here. First, I tried to mend things slowly with S, apparently I didn't communicate how slow I needed to go and a week after things were good; they blew up. I also got a tattoo on a complete whim.. that however I am totally proud of. It says "follow your heart" I think I need to take my own advice especially since it's written on my body. I also have been really sick, however I am getting better thank god because whatever plague I had knocked me on my ass for a solid week and I'm still playing catch up on my life. Gotta love communal living with a bunch of sick college students. What am I doing.

So back to the communication dilemma. I have no flipping clue. The more I think about it the more I think this has nothing to do with communication and everything to do with S and I being together and if  I really want this as bad as said/ thought I did or if I was just really lonely.

Chubbie Chick Lesson #33 - Figuring out what you want in life might be the hardest thing you ever face, maybe you need a GPS for life.

Meg

The Week from Hell

I legit just finished the week from flippin' hell, which is realy why I haven't blogged like at all. It was terrible and on otp of it all I had the worst time babysitting yesterday like ever! Any way Happy Easter everyone and I hope you are all enjoying this awesome weather, I love it :) I'm trying to be outside as much as possible to grasp even just a little bit of tan if possible since i'm a poor, pale, white girl, who lately can't afford to fake n' bake :(

So I'm currently out on my deck writing to you, my mom is here too doing her Anatomy homework, she is back in school again gonna be a nurse this time. I'm totally lying to my dad today to get out of Easter Festivities with his fucked up family last year they legit did nothing and stay around playing video games WASTE OF TIME. They are all weird and freaks believe me, I'm not missing out.

Ugh I'm grumpy and bored I want to be back at school doing something or being with S, I miss her even though I don't show it well. Maybe I will get in the hot tub or something who knows, I feel like it's going to be one of those days. Maybe I'll blog later I can't be sure.

Adios- meg.

Chubbie Chick Lesson # 7 - The appple doesn't always fall close to the tree, in this case the apple is two miles from the tree.