Kids

Damn kids. You know I can bitch about them, moan they annoy me, and cry because they stress me out; but as I sit here tonight in the wake of my last day with my four kids whom I have grown ever so close too. I feel like a parent, I feel like a friend, and I feel like a dog about saying goodbye to them. Four kids, four little pipsqueaks and teenie boppers changed my life for the better age nine, eleven, and two twelve year old's who would have thought.

A nine year old boy greets me at the door everyday, and in the wake of his newly discovered ADD and a new house, with a newly blended family makes me smile everyday. His brother is twelve and completely brilliant, just doesn't know it. Striving to be cool, but still a goofy kid he has made me laugh the hardest and stressed me out the most. He is going places, no doubt in my mind. Then his sister she is eleven, growing up for her hasn't been easy but is it for any girl, finding comfort in acting and drama she has truly figured out what it take to put a smile on and internalize; just like me. Then there is my girl, twelve years old and three new siblings and a new step mom has turned her world upside down. Plus boys, the teen years, and an alcoholic mother back in the picture a break down looming around the corner; she is a remarkable kid.

Do you see what I mean, these kids are different yeah they have issues, yeah they aren't always the best behaved, but they are doing the best they can with what they have and I have never seen kids pushed more to the limit then them, and handle it so well. Bottom line is at twenty one years old I can only wish that one day I am half the woman that these kids will grow up to be.

My Day's Obsession

And I do mean obsessed.

Substitute Teaching

 Today I am substituting in a local district around the area where I grew up, many of the students I am seeing in my eleventh and twelfth grade classes were freshman while I was a senior at their rival district, wow three years. Looking back three years ago, to be honest I was a different person; I was obsessive about the numbers on a scale, driven to the point of insanity by graduation, and living the moments I miss the most now, on fast forward then because I so desperately wanted to grow up. I made my fair share of mistakes that year, none more so then rushing my last year with 79 of the closest friends I ever had away. I'll never forget on graduation waving goodbye, signing yearbooks, and speeding off into the sunset to the closest grad party that evening. Most of my class I never saw again, some I see now and then but after exchanging pleasantries we realize we are total strangers now and part ways. Maybe all of this is one if the I chose teaching, or maybe it really is "the calling" everyone else says.

I am in a sole searching mood, l feel like I'm beginning to rush again but the difference is I know now how ready I am to begin my life, but as ready as I am I am terrified to begin the search for grad schools and begin answering the major questions that are coming. All of this said I guess I need to slow down a little, and just relax after all this time tomorrow I'll be back at school, with my girlfriend, everything will be right with the world again.

Chubbie Chick Confession #53 - Slow down, enjoy the ride. No regrets.

2000 + 11 = 2011

First off, happy 2011 everyone! I hope everyone's holiday was as great as mine was, I have throughly enjoyed the last month of 2010 and while it wasn't the greatest year it certainly ended with figurative fireworks :) I'll keep my descriptions short since in the past 48 hours I have really realized I am a terrible story teller, literally horrible. Christmas was as always a blast with my ridiculous family, our love hate relationships are fantastic! New Years on the other hand was better than great, it was... I don't think I know a good enough word. My girlfriend, my terrific, wonderful, fabulous, amazing girlfriend came to my place of existence wooed my parents and brought me into the New Year with the biggest shit ass grin on my face. Needless to say, life is good. However I'm not going to ramble on too much, lets talk resolutions.

I think people's resolutions are interesting, knowing what people want to adjust in their lives says a lot. I think that New Year's resolutions are slightly overrated though and very noncommittal, think of how many people you know who make a New Year's Resolution, realistically how many of them follow through. See what i'm saying, people just pick something to answer the all important "what's your resolution?" so this year i'm back tracking, evaluating my mistakes and just making myself a promise because promises are not meant to be broken.

My Promises:

I promise myself be active this semester at school, it is important to remember that at the end of the day I get four years of undergraduate fun and I really have 2 - 2.5 semesters left. Also I will go to all my 8am classes because sleep isn't all that important anyway. I promise myself to be positive on all fronts, meaning I will be positive in all life situations, decisions, and people in my life. Most of all I promise to live my life to the fullest, there is no rehearsal this is it, and like I said before I better be laughing on my death bed and crying at the same time. So starting today, January 1st, 2011 I execute all of the above promises.

Acceptance

I am accepting your flaws. I am going to let it go. You are not the enemy. I am happy. You are happy. We are not we, and us is no longer an acceptable pronoun. I was angry. I was hurt. I was a lot of things. Now I am done. When I look at you, I want to vomit I am really going to try not to do that anymore. You are you and I am me. My life is valuable to me and I really am only going to get one so from here on out this is my new thought process.

I am me, I know I am a good person. I hold the key to the secrets of 100 humans and I will never let them go. When I am old and gray I won't regret my life, when it flashes before my eyes I am going to laugh and cry at the same time. It's about time I speak up for me, after all I am worth it. College is supposed to be a time to figure oneself out however, I know who I am. Thus, I am ahead of the game and I need to accept that one day people will catch up to me and until then I will do what I always do, figure it out.

Taking life one step at a time is something I preach, but I can be a hypocrite. I am a planner, I want to know the future and what it holds for me. From today forward I am trying something new, or well I am going to try and see what happens. It's going to be hard, but I am strong and more likely than not I can handle it.

So I forgive you. I accept your poor choices it's your life. Most of all one day I will look back on our friendship and be able to laugh like I used to, when that happens I'll be the first to tell you. These are in full my well wishes.

Chubbie Chick Lesson # 44 - I want nothing but the best for you.

Happiness

Happiness comes when you are not looking, it peaks around the corner and shoots you with an arrow in a similar to cupid fashion. I am happy, deeply happy; life has been so good to me and every once and a while it hits me that even when my world is crumbling or I am really struggling, I am happy.

All my life I have strove to make people happy, it's my goal to crack a smile on some one's face, to stop some one's tears if only for a second, or just plain point out their luck when they have nothing else. Some find it annoying and others think it's a gift but I think the gift is the laughter, the smile, the hope, or the response you get from someone when you change the course of their day.

It's difficult at times to remember this gift and let go of the ridiculous and grasp the good. Last night I had one of those moments. After a small disagreement with a family member I was genuinely upset and could feel myself slipping into one of those bad moods where I am just miserable, but something or someone rather stopped it; she looked at me a smiled and made me feel so much better in that moment that I could let loose for a few hours laugh and enjoy my life. Thus, by the end of the night there was no negativity, no stress or anger, and I felt good.

Not everyone has the time or the patience to sit with a friend or even an acquittance and make them feel better or listen to them bitch, whine, moan, and complain like me. But what everyone does have is the ability to smile when they can, a smile is powerful. Give a smile, take a smile is a saying that I love. When you have the ability to look at someone a smile, do it, more likely than not even if they don't want to they'll at least grin back and next time when you need one, you will be one person closer to receiving one.

Chubbie Chick Lesson # 42 - Give a smile, take a smile <3

Chubbie Chick Lesson #20 - Your Life, Your Choice.

Here is a longer lesson, I just gave myself this pep talk:

Stop whatever else you're doing, and breathe in. Today is the day you realize, this is your life. You deserve total happiness so stop settling for less. People are going to put you down, suck it up. You have always meant well so stop worrying. Who gives a shit whether Sally Sue or Harry Holster is piss off, annoyed, mad, or upset with you. Now look in the mirror, you are beautiful, who are they to judge. Breathe again, live a little and laugh. Some wise woman once told me, shit happens now f*cking smile already; that has now been revamped to fit my life and I always say "shit happens, when you party naked." Haha see you smiled a little and thought twice about something other than your problems. Depression is a disease so keep it out of your head, positivity is and will always be pro-life staying positive means there is hope and with hope all things can happen (I'm hoping for a million dollars in an unmarked suitcase). Now take you hands and shove those self loathing idiots out for good. It's your life. Go read a book, enjoy the sunshine, and dance in the rain, it's what you deserve. Go for the gold and be happy with the silver everyone knows competition is good for the soul even though it sucks to lose. Don't read so far into things people's eyes are open they see right through the downers. Bottom line; love yourself, because if you can't do that no one can even love you back.

Fairytales and Fantasy

"Once upon a time there was a young girl, this girl feel in love with her best friend. Their love was unexpected and not accepted but it was raw, deep, and never ending. The two young girls were soul mates..they lived happily ever after."

Have any of you ever really considered a gay or lesbian fairytale, with a happy ending similar to Cinderella? I do. Today my younger brother and I were talking about something and he called his friend a faggot (that word is awful, I hate it). It got me thinking how did the two of us become so different growing up the same way, and if only he knew I'm dating a girl. First off he told me once if that ever happened he would hate me forever and I believe him. Anyway back to what I was saying I began wondering what would people's perceptions be if we grew up on those types of fairy tales instead of our own.

Maybe I'm nuts, maybe I have no idea what I'm talking about, but I feel like when you grow up on something you then are not so afraid of it. I don't even know if I am a lesbian but dating S and being on the other side of things has opened my eyes a lot. See my family is one thing but I lost a very close friend over it as well, today she will say it was not the fact I'm dating a chick. But in my heart I know it has everything to do with it and frankly my loss of her this past year hurt more than J or anyone else.

Chubbie Chick Lesson #17- I wish people wouldn't be so afraid.

Shove Off

Have a little faith that I can figure it out all on my own!

I've Come to Realize

1. I've come to realize that my chest-size. . .
is something I'm learning to cherish.

2. I've come to realize that my job. . .
will be more fun than I'm anticipating.

3. I've come to realize that when I'm driving. . .
I'm in a totally different world.

4. I've come to realize that I need. . .
love, music, and sunshine.

5. I've come to that realize that I have lost. . .
the girl I was and found the woman I will become.

6. I've come to realize that I hate it when. . .
people bring me down.

7. I've come to realize that money. . .
won't chose my path.

8. I've come to realize that certain people. . .
will never fully see the way I do, and that's okay.

9. I've come to realize that I'll always. . .
wonder what J&I could've been.

10. I've come to realize that my sibling(s). . .
is not going to accept I'm gay, that hurts me.

11. I've come to realize that my mom. . .
means well but hurts me more than anyone.

12. I've come to realize that my cell phone. . .
is something I can live without, I just don't want too.

13. I've come to realize that when I woke up this morning. . .
happy to have what I do have.

14. I've come to realize that last night before I went to sleep. . .
I missed S so much it hurt.

15. I've come to realize that right now I am thinking. . .
about how to see her soon.

16. I've come to realize that my dad. . .
is trying even when he doesn't show it.

17. I've come to realize that when I get on Facebook. . .
I never get anything accomplished.

18. I've come to realize that today. . .
will be okay, if I try.

19. I've come to realize that tonight. . .
I'm going to sleep and try to relax.

20. I've come to realize that tomorrow. . .
I'll be a little more okay missing her.

21. I've come to realize that I really want to. . .
See my girl.

22. I've come to realize that the person most likely to make me smile. . .
is too far away.

23. I've come to realize that life. . .
is something people should treasure, not waste.

24. I've come to realize that this weekend. . .
was so fun.

25. I've realized the best music to listen to when I am upset. . .
Hinder obviously.

26. I've come to realize that my friends. . .
will make things okay no matter what.

27. I've come to realize that this year . . .
isn't over yet, and I wont quit.

28. I've come to realize that my exes. . .
came into my life for a reason, I'm stronger.

29. I've come to realize that maybe I should. . .
let things go.

30. I've come to realize that I love. . .
her more than anyone in the entire world.

31. I've come to realize that I don't understand. . .
why people chose the paths they do, but it's their choice!

32. I've come to believe. . .
EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON.

33. I HAVE ULTIMATELY COME TO REALIZE. . .
That the only person I should have to please is myself.

Annoyance & Sweet Sunburn

Let me first start off by saying I had the most amazing weekend with S, she came to my home met my family, everything was perfect. We spent the weekend on the boat, tubing and swimming, what I like to call loving life. But as do all good things the weekend ended, S went home yesterday and it's back to the real world for me. Tuesday thank god were only 4 days away, but today Tuesday it's raining, I'm sitting in the Lesbian Erotica section watching the rain fall from the clouds it's only 70 degrees a dramatic change from the 90 degree weather we had only a day or so ago. Reality I hate you. So why you might think did I title this entry Annoyance well let me just tell you:

Remember the time I first mentioned S, well in that story I mention the guy before her the one that broke me. His name we will simply shorten to J and he is easily the most cunning and charming guy I have ever met. Our relationship started when I was young in about 6th grade he is two years older than me and we met in our schools ski club. J got really ballsy one day and told me he would cream me in a race around the mountain, that was his first mistake. I beat him naturally and met him at the bottom with some attitude and intense gloating. It seemed to be fate, from that day forward J and I became the best of friends and more as well, we dated and had plenty of flings to amount to a common law marriage. However I went to college and he did not, my freshman year he entangled himself in extremely sketchy business with under aged girls and that summer when I returned from my freshman year, he proposed. I said no. For me that is just a small piece of the laughs and tears I shed over J, he was the boy, guy, man who brake me and shattered my spirit. He was the one to show me there are no complete happy endings. J killed me a little.

So now I am sitting here, in the Lesbian section of B&N working on my blog when he like always FB chats with me, asking me why I didn't allow him to hang out with me this weekend, prying into my life the only way he knows how. The answer to all of his harassment seems simple block him from FB, block his number from my phone, and ignore his existence. But how can I do that how can I just pretend that all of this never happened; I can not. Looking around me at the books I'm surrounded by I find it ironic, and some what saddening, it is the in my face reminder of what I went through almost a year ago. The following words are what I wish I could say to him this instance, to tell him what he has done, burn his bridge, and free myself but I won't not now and not ever.

You are a selfish bastard to have taken my livelihood from me. Don't sit there and look stupefied you know exactly what I'm talking about and you know what you did to me. You crushed me, broke me, shattered my heart. I cried rivers of tears over you and I shouldn't have shed even one. Rot in hell, because that's where you put me for 6 months. You took my prom away from me when you said your knee hurt, but you danced with all of those other girls. You knew I loved you, you knew you were the one who brightened my life day after day. I know know your flirting was bull shit, you should have never pushed me off the bench. I hope you know no one will ever hate you with such passion the way I do, other than the mother and father of that little girl you flirted a little too much with. I hope you know my mother may think you're perfect but I do not. I hope you know the broken road you left me on lead me to someone who will protect me from you, and love me for me. I hope you go to hell. I hope you know that these are the last words I will ever say to you, and these are the last thoughts I will think of you, and when I'm gone you will have no one left to play with. I am not your puppet, and I never was. You are a fool. You are a pervert. You are an asshole. You are dead to me.

So there it is my annoyance and hurt, that is what I wish daily to say and I never will. I hope you all find the strength in yourselves to stand up to that person who hurt you.

Chubbie Chick Lesson #15- I am stronger and it's because of the tears.

Food For Thought