Letting It Roll

Something I have learned in my four mischievous years of college is that sometimes you just gotta roll with the grind, just let it roll. That being said I never said that I was good at it, i'm really not. In fact I pretty much suck at letting things roll off my back. Lately I feel like I have done a really good job though, and like most insecure women I am announcing it inorder to feel the satisfaction I feel like I deserve.

Things have been really good with TSwift and I, leaving out the details we have been working through our problems one at a time and it feels good. Yes for all of you innocent readers I just made a sex analogy. Really though I am feeling confident in everything that is happening in my life and my path seems to be set, like always I am waiting for a bump but until then, well I am just enjoying the ride.

In other life happenings a couple of guys from my past have been lurking in the depths of my text message archives. I enjoy talking to them mainly because they are so clueless, and second because two of them are determined to set me straight literally. One of them, The Boy Next Door is a sweet heart to me at least though I feel bad for his girlfriend because the things he says to me are slightly risque. The other one Blue Eyed Sexy Time or BEST is as always ridiculously asking for a three some and other preverse things he thinks he can pull over because I have a girlfriend.

Newsflash boys just because I have a girl at my disposal does not mean I am about to give her to you too, work for that shit.

Oh and the Dolphins lost again it's really starting to hurt my ego. A is moving this week as well, sad to see her go but more confident in our friendship then ever that she won't be gone for long. Gosh is this Post dragging or what; sorry I have nothing to write about, like I said just letting things roll. To finish up let me show you all some pictures of my newest adventure, I went to NYC!

I took this picture and let me say they were the cutest couple ever.

Over It

Lately I have been in this weird mood, the kind that when I hear the right song it changes my whole direction. TSwift and I have been good, I feel like we are finally finding the delicate balance of being together without being together all the time. I have grown my own two legs once again and walk with my own to feet, though I miss my recently loss friends I am relying on my "everything happens for a reason" motto and hoping that I will be better off one day. Like my unemotional mother said "well just one more person that you won't have to say goodbye too.." she might actually be right cut my loses early and just focus on the big decisions.

Drumroll this kid got accepted into grad school, first choice just saying. I have yet to make any big decisions in fact I get sick thinking about it. I'm really scared to leave my small pond, admittedly I am a big fish and I'm starting to feel like it is more of a blessing then I ever thought before. Truth is I really do love my big hearted, and large mouth personality. For those of you who don't know me I am the girl who is louder then most, comes off a bit too much to handle, but makes you feel at home within a large group of strangers. You love me or hate me in our first conversation, some call it a personality however I know it is my biggest defense mechanism, it keeps the fakes away, or well some of them.

I wish there was day that I could look in the mirror and say to myself you are safe and secure, everything is perfect. I can't on any day but what I can say is I am everything that I want to be, I am everything I need to be, and I am doing the best I can.

End of story.

Burnt Bridges

Looking back at my four years at school this morning it hit me, mid tradition, mid song, mid speeches; like a cold hard glacier taking the Titanic. No exceptions, no excuses, no reason good enough I built'em and, I broke them. Fast, slow, drawn out, or quicker then the blink of an eye. There I stood a hundred people around me and there I was screaming internally but completely visible in my face; white as a sheet, scared to death. Three years of damage one year to fix it. What have I done, where do I begin.

It seemed so innocent at first you know, freshman year I am a new person fighting my battles for myself no help from mommy yeah, "I can do this". Sophmore year rolled around and I was "grown" no longer a freshman I was stronger then everyone, better then them because I was me. Junior year destruction, complete demise, total mushroom cloud nothing left. End of junior year I began rebuilding, trying at least. Today; the beginning of senior year, first fucking day and holy shit two semesters, about six months, who first what do I do.

My feelings on the whole subject; no clue. What to do, when to start and how bad is this going to hurt. I don't really care about myself being hurt I am strong, that is one thing I know but these situations are bandaid ripping bad. Opening others old wounds is never easy. There is one; one person whom I need to start with. I know it is hard and yes it's going to hurt. I don't know what I am doing to be honest, and I don't know where to start, hell I don't know where this will finish. All in, balls to the walls, no looking back; I guess so. Time to make a phone call.

Recent Happenings

Okay a brief catchup I swear, this time I am back for good.

-A returns from the Airforce.
-Spend a weekend in the sun romping around my home town causing trouble.
-Have several serious fights with Firefighter Guy.
-Speak to my mom about Firefighter Guy.
-Get into final fight with DBag and realize he is too much of a bully.
-Enter girl from the past.
-Enter first love.
-Make Decision.
-I chose her, will she chose me.
-Hangout more with A.
-Share recent life decisions with her, earn approval.
-Hope for the best prepare for the worst.
-Get ready for the hardest fall yet.

Now that we are caught up, like I said major things yes. I am not sure how I want to go about sharing them with all of you. Tonight I am thinking of taking it day by day, life is short and I need to live more. I am not sure if the decisions I am making are good ones but hey, at least I am giving this decisive thing a try.

I Have Come To Realize

I don't know what I am doing with my life this summer honestly. The last few days I have done my best to keep my emotions flowing constantly through my mind and trying to make a conscious effort to evaluate my thoughts as they stream. It didn't work. I am finding myself lost in the idea of my new found happiness. Fire Fighter Guy and I have not seen each other but we have talked nonstop, I really feel myself letting go of all those insecurities I found when Ti broke my life apart with her iron mallet (no we have not spoke). Then again maybe I am just patching this gaping hole.

So could it be? Am I really letting go? Who knows- I am honestly scarred that at the end of the day I really don't think any sort of straight relationship is going to work for me but, right now I can't have an in depth, emotionally tolling relationship. Ti broke me and as she has chosen to run and hide (literally) I have to do this on my own. I don't know if I am making the right decisions honestly, A and I talked a lot about it the other night and she told me to be happy so I am am. Fire Fighter Guy makes me happy, end of discussion. Or is this all just the beginning. Time will tell.

Blank Templates

Alas, starring at the blank screen on my Blogger account. No excuses I haven't written I know. I should make excuses, I should write more, after another couple crisises and more sleepless nights. So why haven't I written you may ask? Again I have the ever lasting issue, too many read my Blog at least from my personal life. Honestly I do like it, most of the time.

It's hard though where do I draw the line between spilling my heart, and censoring myself for the sake of my flakey friendships, the endless college drama, and my good hearted girlfriend. I have written about this some many times previous really, however this time I am really feeling it, and it's beginning to hit hard. There are so many things I want to say. I feel like I need to say but at the end of the day, I created this monster (of giving my URL out) and now I have to fix it.

Long story short on my hectic life last night was hard, finals week is fast approaching followed bye too many goodbyes and a hell of alotta tears. No one here is looking forward to it, and everyone is on edge. I have made a couple new friends and sealed a bond that I think is going to last, maybe I will talk about this.

Enter Camera not her real name but she'll figure it out (after I tell her). She's been around over the years never a close friend but always a good source of the latest and greatest. She was willing to listen rather than lecture when my life fell to pieces. She dated A once upon a time and now she is securing her spot in my top 10 (throw back) thank god because life has been a little less dull thanks to this kid.

Camera introduced me to my Kate (name given in relation to the obsession we share with the soon to be princess) she is truly a gift. Kate and I understand each other, we have very similar living situations and I have been able to open up to her lately, more so than I ever have with any new kid in my life. Kate and I spend a lot of time together but what I love about her is the lack of guilt she throws my way if I need a T.O. from life for a day and don't get to hang out. She gets me.

Kate has a large group of friends as well, "The Followers" most I like there are a couple loose ends I could do without but I like them all for one reason or another and they have been nothing but welcoming to me. This feeling of being welcomed really truly is something new to me, looking at my life now I am assured to have a great SENIOR YEAR in school.

Fits Hitting The Shan

Life is crazy, if you haven't gotten that from my last 10 posts you should catch up. It's Sunday this weekend has been made up of so many ups and downs, where to begin.

Thursday- After a disappointing beginning finding out I had not been picked for a selective 2 position spot at my college, I went shopping with a friend and sucked it up. Life was okay and after a 4 hour mall trip filled with errands completed and a lot of needed laughs I decided to go to the softball game, no one was there so sat next to my ex T and had a good catch up sess when the cellphone rang. SC (shit) I'd been blowing her off admittedly because I wasn't ready to be told to get my shit together, anyway it was a friend 911* and I sped to her apartment (fast). Fourish hours later she was asleep with her girl and I was lost in Hartford without my GPS. Call my girlfriend who gets nervous for me making me more nervous. Unlost myself go back to school sleep away my depression.

Friday- Wake up late, go to my only class. Hang out at school waiting for Ti. Go to lunch at Panera for some much needed carbs. Go to her apartment nap, talk, and laugh (feeling better now). After that it's time to get ready, Gala is finally here I looked good and my self esteem is high. Arrive at Gala already buzzed proceed to drink [more] end up being sloppy, had a great night.

Saturday- Holy shit hangover. Lay in bed most of the day, Ti and I catch up on sleep. A called from boot camp something is not right, I am worried try to put it off when her parents called and said they were also worried, oh shit. Rent a few movies, do some chores, watch movies and have a huge fight. Go to sleep in love knowing full well that these fights are worth it.

Sunday- Well it's 12:15 I have not gotten out of bed, when I do hopefully I survive. Also after writing this all out realized haven't heard from SC and I'm pretty sure that ticks me off, so much for retribution or thank yous, sometimes it's nice to feel appreciated.

But You Say I'm Just a Friend [PART 2]

So part 1, which I totally recommend you reading first went off like a gun (BANG) I'm thinking we should dive in further how many types of friends are really out there? Here we go.

P.S - Click here for Part 1 (:

Introducing:

The Gossipping Friend: This is the person who legit talks to you for the dirt, whether it's you or someone you know who they don't they need you to dish.


The Get Your Shit Together Friend: Don't call them until after you've grieved for a few days, this is the friend the busts through your self made cavern of self pity picks you up and pushes you out into the world again. You never like it but you know you need it.


The Goal Oriented Friend: Whether it's piles of homework, finals, or just a bug test you can count on them to motivate you and push you through the hurdles of studying. Almost like a library buddy but not as dorky.


The Musical Montage Friend: Does your play list need updating? Are you in need of some illegally purchased tuneage or movies? Don't look away we all do it and when we do normally we call this person.


The Drunken Dialer Friend: After a long night of keg stands or shots are your local watering hole, this person is your first call and text throughout the night. They live for your funny voice mails and will probably be the first to check on you at 8 am.


The Responsible Friend: Need a ride home, don't stumble through the ally and find some random guy. Seriously suck it up and call this person, they have offered a million times before.


The Reactive Friend: "I am so angry, what I did was stupid and irrational but still I AM ANGRY!" Need someone to take your side, maybe fuel your fire call this kid and watch the flames get bigger.


The Gym Friend: With bikini season looming we all are in search of this person, you browse by the gym daily and this person is always there, no one else has such a motivation buddying up to this person makes you go. Thank you six pack.


The Wing Man: We all have one whether it is your best friend, your lifer, or so random drinking buddy. We all need that one person who pushes us one step closer to that one night stand. If you're looking for good morals call someone else, if you're looking for a good time you know their number.


The Let Me Set You Up Friend: Miserable, tired of being single, don't feel like putting yourself out there? Call this friend they always have someone waiting in your make believe line, even if they pick their nose "it's not so bad.."!

That's what I have for now, the saddest part is I just write the names down of people I know and POOF, the list appears. If they actually new anything about who's who on said list I would not be walking.

Praying for my life ;) haha- Happy Thursday!

My College Demographic

To all the college students out there take a second and think; what is your college demographic, who are the students, and why are they there?

My college, haha where to begin well 1,700 girls including myself have chosen my tiny, private New England bungalow as the title on their diploma and out of them 500 chose to call this home, as well. For privacy reasons we will refer to my college as The Twilight Zone so let me begin:

The Twilight Zone earned it's name because the students here go in one way, but leave completely different. You see the girls here are mostly straight with intense bisexual tendencies,some though are gay, and the 1% that are straight, face a 87% chance of "being converted". So if they aren't here for the chicks then they are like me, in search of a quality education high in price and low in class size.

I love the Twilight Zone most of the time, it's a love- hate relationship really. I love my education but sometimes the drama and gossip is way too much to handle. What I tell girls is if you have a safe haven within 20 miles of the Twilight Zone then you are good.

Currently I am in what we call the "Fire Place Lounge" with a good friend doing what we do best, bitching. Well the other girls in the lounge haha the knitting club, I kid you not I am into knitting like any well rounded girl scout, but these girls are pounding the yarn hard over there (if you're like me feel free to make that sexual). Any way I understand it takes all kinds to make up a population but this group of women, girls more specifically have me baffled.



So you may ask yourself why I have targeted this innocent group as the focus of my blog, kid you not as I was innocently sitting in the lounge bitching with my friends, they begin giving back rubs. Okay, so this is innocent i'm thinking "knitting must be strenuous" but then out of no where, moaning yes moaning. Oh Twilight Zone you never seis to amaze me.

Chubbie Chick Lesson # 58- When pounding the yarn hard, don't fret just rub it out ;)

Recovery

I am so spoiled. Yesterday was the first day of classes and we were closed! I spent the day in bed, with my girlfriend enjoying the last day of freedom. We read and watched movies, watched it precipitate outside and just really enjoyed each others company. It's safe to say after this weekend, MLK, and a snow day I am ready to start the semester I have a lot to prove to myself this semester. I want to be a better person, I want to be happy, I want a lot of this really but employing them into my everyday routine is easier said then done. This is the checklist I am going to use:

1. Are you being positive?
2. What have you done to be healthier today?
3. What was your outlet yesterday, what are you doing today?
4. Is the decisions you're making on impulse?
5. Are you being independent?
6. CALL MOM! (Hahaha this is more or less a reminder)

Also I have made the final decision on Meg Day, I am going to attempt to have them on Wednesday because I have an 8am class anyway and then I'm free! It's actually kinda exciting because mid week is normally when I am feeling a lot of pressure to get things done. Also it will force me to get work done prior to the day before because I will want to be able to relax. So starting next week Meg Day will be instituted! That's all for now, maybe a letter later.

Chubbie Chick Lesson # 54 - USE YOUR CHECK LIST.

Because I May be Bad, But I'm Perfectly Good at It!

I found someone unexpected on Blogger yesterday, I won't call her an ex but we weren't just friends. She was a someone for a couple weeks in my life, though it hurts to admit I used her as a place filler and that was wrong. I thought about contacting her, in fact I had the text open on my phone but, I didn't know what to write. The whole experience was really eye opening, it made me think about how many mistakes I made the past year.

It's is safe to say I am on my path of redemption but I do not regret a thing that happened to me. I am a jerk sometimes, I'm extremely selfish, I over think and criticize a lot of things, but I love with passion, I live for a reason, and I laugh like it's my last chance to breath. Everyone has skeletons, everyone makes mistakes but it's what you do with your skeletons, and the decisions you make after the wrong ones that make you who you are.

So what happened with us you might ask? I met her last year, we got off to a terrible start her big sister was the secretary on my class board (I was the president) she sat in on one of my board meetings, I could feel her looking at me, she watched me like a hawk. I was initially flattered then, her sister creeped me out telling me she stalked me, do I think she stalked me? No but maybe close. She enrolled in my school the next fall I decided to throw my judgement out the window and befriend her, I gave her a shot when S and I broke up. I was hurt, broken, fragile, and ready to feel something and, when I realized she was only attaching to me I cut her off, dropped her like a hot potato, and broke her heart.

It wasn't meant to work romantically, she and I can't be friends though (she wanted to be) I knew it wasn't good for either of us. So in true Meg fashion I took those pieces of her broken heart and set them on fire. Ridding her of me and my dysfunction junction until she matures. Maybe one day she and I will be friends again, after she grows up. Maybe one day the karma for what I did will bite me in the ass, either way I'm prepared.

It's been a weird week so far and oh it's Monday? I heard from S again, I'm getting down right annoyed by her messages now. She needs to move on, it bothers me. Tomorrow is the first day of spring semester and I am extremely excited! I just feel like it's my next step, everything is right with the world. I am happy. I'm going to leave on this note.

Chubbie Chick Lesson #54 - 1 year from now it will be my last semester of my under grad degree, I think I can, I think I can. 114 days until SUMMER!

Top 15

Goodbye fall semester 2010, I am done and realistically I could not be happier. The ups and downs have taught me a lot about myself that until this semester I never would have thought I could handle. Some of my favorite memories and highlights:

1. Late night car rides with A, smoking and just blasting music it felt so good.

2. Running through the sprinklers. So refreshing and fun.

3. Meeting C and watching F&C fall in love.

4. Funniest home videos with my roommate.

5. The all nighter at the park.

6. Meeting T and feeling so sure of myself.

7. The moment I saw S after summer was over, so much emotion.

8. The night I realized I was okay.

9. Seeing her at Diva's I won't forget the excitement.

10. MS's hot tub.

11. Up all hours of the night with some of my favorite freshies.

12. Meeting my twin and her girlfriend.

13. Laying in bed with her all day.

14. Back hand springs in the hallway.

15. Thanksgiving!

How I'm Feeling & What I'm Thinking

I'm not sure where I'm really going with this post I just have some feelings that I need to sort out.

The Future- it's scary place for so many people, to me the future is so comfortable. I have always looked ahead not back, maybe it's because I make a lot of mistakes and just hate reliving them I'm not sure. Lately the future has been like haunting me around ever corner, like grad school and GREs, or what I'm doing this summer, where I want to live. What I have realized is that I am so excited, not in a rush my life away kind of way but in a these new exciting paths look so fun kind of way. Maybe the future and I are just on the same page, or maybe I am just ahead of the game either way I'm excited.

Immaturity- holy cow I could ramble about it for hours and hours probably because most of the people in my life are more than 50% immature or maybe because it just ticks me off. Looking back I should be a senior this year, I am not because of a ski accident that set me back for some time. I wish I was so badly though, people in my class are just young and different. It's not that I think I'm better than anyone or anything like that either, I just look at the world differently. I remember being like 10 hanging out with 12 years olds it always happens like that, why can I not just be smart enough to graduate earlier than early.

Finally and probably the real reason I am upset, stressed, and ugh just feeling blahhhh is that S and I finally exchanged all of our stuff. It was really hard, she was so cold and I rightfully deserve it I think that's what sucks. I can't be mad at her, and I deserve everything she dishes out to me. I never meant to hurt her, however I needed to get out and the only way I had was to hurt her. She loved me so much, people tell me I'm a foul maybe I am S would have loved me forever. I wasn't happy though, and I would rather be alone and happy than with someone and unhappy. I haven't really cried either, I mean a tear here and a sigh but other than that no emotion probably because I feel like I don't deserve to be sad I mean I did it. Whatever it's over and the relationship I'm in is healthy and I am happy very happy now I just hope karma doesn't come bite me, she could totally F me over pretty easily.

Okay I am done, I'm going to watch a movie and fix myself. Wish me luck.

Chubbie Chick Lesson # 46 - It's okay not to be scared of the future.

Coffee Drinkers Anonymous

CDA. I think I need to join such a group, or even better formulate a group. Let me tell you about my coffee addiction and where it takes me through life:

My morning always starts with coffee, but not coffee I brew I either have to travel over to my not so far away student commons building or to the farther away parking lot get in my car and take my familiar journey to the local Dunkin' or SBucks conveniently across the street from each other in case I need multiple fixes. By chance or maybe coincidence I have also befriended many of of the people who work at these local establishments and even dated. I totally use it to my advantage as well, some say you never bite the hand that feeds you frankly I never bit the hand of those who make my coffee. After my morning fix I will normally revisit the world of coffee two more times through out the day and once at night. It's an addiction and more over than that it's a problem. Sooner than later my body is going to stop responding to the caffeine I hope I can pull it together before then and clean up my problem.

Besides my coffee rant there really isn't much to talk about in life, I am busy with finals and other projects I need to finish up frantically packing my things when I get the chance. Home is less than two weeks away, and I am counting the moments. Beyond that I have met someone very wonderful and she is becoming a constant fixture in my life. We are dating, and wow she is my girlfriend? Weird to say but exciting at the same time it really hasn't sunk in. I love getting to know her and learning the things that make her tick. Well I am off a running- enjoy!

Chubbie Chick Lesson # 43 - I need to lay off the caffeine, maybe in a few years but for now I am content.

Happiness

Happiness comes when you are not looking, it peaks around the corner and shoots you with an arrow in a similar to cupid fashion. I am happy, deeply happy; life has been so good to me and every once and a while it hits me that even when my world is crumbling or I am really struggling, I am happy.

All my life I have strove to make people happy, it's my goal to crack a smile on some one's face, to stop some one's tears if only for a second, or just plain point out their luck when they have nothing else. Some find it annoying and others think it's a gift but I think the gift is the laughter, the smile, the hope, or the response you get from someone when you change the course of their day.

It's difficult at times to remember this gift and let go of the ridiculous and grasp the good. Last night I had one of those moments. After a small disagreement with a family member I was genuinely upset and could feel myself slipping into one of those bad moods where I am just miserable, but something or someone rather stopped it; she looked at me a smiled and made me feel so much better in that moment that I could let loose for a few hours laugh and enjoy my life. Thus, by the end of the night there was no negativity, no stress or anger, and I felt good.

Not everyone has the time or the patience to sit with a friend or even an acquittance and make them feel better or listen to them bitch, whine, moan, and complain like me. But what everyone does have is the ability to smile when they can, a smile is powerful. Give a smile, take a smile is a saying that I love. When you have the ability to look at someone a smile, do it, more likely than not even if they don't want to they'll at least grin back and next time when you need one, you will be one person closer to receiving one.

Chubbie Chick Lesson # 42 - Give a smile, take a smile <3

Hell Week Begins

Hell Week- The week or so before the final weeks of classes when nothing is due until the next week and the ever lingering stress of papers and exams is everywhere.

This semester in a nut shell has been explosive, utterly ridiculous, and caused myself and classmates into temporary insanity. Now that it is all coming to and end I am finding myself strangely saddened by the new feeling of calm normalcy that is taking over. Much like a creature of habit I am also a creature of havoc, I thrive off the insane weeks of school and normally produce my best work under the most pressure. I am getting really excited for the holidays however, and am excited to spend some time with my crazy family enjoying our time together that in recent years has become sparse.

I am hoping to also be able to catch up on some blogging over break since my time has been devoted to so many other things that Confessions has been placed on the back burner. Today I had probably 2 or 3 people say to me that my recent Blog entries have been both enlightening and very humorous. I had no idea my Blog was really becoming something to read and am excited for my voice to be heard, I will say to those who have recently been reading not all my entries are so blunt and honest, I do still change names and initials for fear of telling people too much about my personal life. I am also much more open to Confessions being read by people I know now more than ever and you know, I am me bottom line people should know what to expect!

Well in true hell week fashion, I am really behind and need to get some work done. Maybe I will accomplish something today I am actually really motivated. Well I am off and running!

Chubbie Chick Confession # 40 - Bring it on hell week.

21 and it felt good :)

I turned twenty-one on Saturday, Oct 16th!
This was pretty much my life this weekend :)
Thought i'd share a little laugh with all of you!
THANK YOU AM & CC <3

Chubbie Chick Lesson #34 - Live it up. Drink it down.

Chubbie Chick Lesson #20 - Your Life, Your Choice.

Here is a longer lesson, I just gave myself this pep talk:

Stop whatever else you're doing, and breathe in. Today is the day you realize, this is your life. You deserve total happiness so stop settling for less. People are going to put you down, suck it up. You have always meant well so stop worrying. Who gives a shit whether Sally Sue or Harry Holster is piss off, annoyed, mad, or upset with you. Now look in the mirror, you are beautiful, who are they to judge. Breathe again, live a little and laugh. Some wise woman once told me, shit happens now f*cking smile already; that has now been revamped to fit my life and I always say "shit happens, when you party naked." Haha see you smiled a little and thought twice about something other than your problems. Depression is a disease so keep it out of your head, positivity is and will always be pro-life staying positive means there is hope and with hope all things can happen (I'm hoping for a million dollars in an unmarked suitcase). Now take you hands and shove those self loathing idiots out for good. It's your life. Go read a book, enjoy the sunshine, and dance in the rain, it's what you deserve. Go for the gold and be happy with the silver everyone knows competition is good for the soul even though it sucks to lose. Don't read so far into things people's eyes are open they see right through the downers. Bottom line; love yourself, because if you can't do that no one can even love you back.

Friendship

Have any of you ever really sat down and really thought about your friends, are they all alike or totally different? In my case my friends are all completely different. Many of them are gay but all of their personalities are totally different. I love them all for who they are however, and cherish them all in different ways. Yesterday, is when I began thinking of all this to be honest yesterday right after I called one of my best friends for advice that I could not have asked ANYONE else about. While on the phone with her it occured to me how much I appreciated her honesty and lack of filter, sometimes even when I don't like it, I know it's what I have to hear. Then I began thinking of some of my other friends one in particular she is one of my closer friends and she knows pretty much everything about me, but she's a sugar coater for sure and I love it just as much. When my world seems to be crashing she is always sure to point out all the positives. I love her as well. Lastly I thought of my greatest friend in the entire world, T she is so special to me. We honestly disagree about EVERYTHING we are different people totally, and I think she is my perfect fit. T and I fight over everything, we challange each other, and push each other to our limits. But we also love each other unconditionally, she is the one person I can not speak to for 5 months and never be mad at me, lonely, or feel unimportant we simply understand each others life. She know when she has to call and so do I. She is important to me. The reason I'm bring all of this up is because my friends I have decided keep me sane, alive, and healthy. So I am dedicating this post to them. Thank you all for being so amazing.

Chubbie Chick Lesson #18- Surround yourself with positivity and it will reflect in you.

It's not goodbye, it's see you later.

What a day, I'm home now two hours away from where I belong and where I SHOULD be. I miss S I miss her so god damn much I feel empty. Two weeks until I see her again, mean while I will be playing a single hetero girl on the prowl. I can't keep this act up. She is everything to me, I sleep with her every night except tonight of course. When I wake up she isn't going to be here, today I was strong for her but tomorrow I'm not so sure I will be able to stay strong. I remind myself that it's better this way but is it? Leaving the love of my life to please my mother well that is just another example of me not being able to stand up to her, all at S's expense. I feel so sick, so lost, I'm hurting, and worst of all I can't even tell my mother I love her. S is everything to me, I always kid with her and tell her I'm going to marry her; well she thinks I'm kidding however, I'm not. I want to spend everyday with her from now until my next life. She has stopped texting me for the night this means she's asleep, thank god. I really hope she is sleeping, she has to work at 8am tomorrow and needs to be rested, gosh I told her I was okay but I'm such a liar I am not okay I miss her.

Chubbie Chick Lesson #12- The saying parting is such sweet sorrow doesn't even begin to describe the pit in your stomach when you leave the one you love.

Missing her,