My Kinda Wondeful

This life is crazy, I never in my life imagined anything that has happened to me to actually happen. Looking back at my summer, my limits have been tested from alcohal to women, to regret and lots of working out my summer has been lots of lessons. I can't explain the basis for this post besides expressing to the world how exciting my life has become. The small world in which I originate  from is buzzing about my new found romance, when asked to comment I always respond in the same way "I am happy, be happy for me.." I won't share the back story now, or maybe ever on this blog because it isn't my story to share.

Back to basics. I love talking to you over skype. I love getting to know your friends and feeling as though they are almost mine as well. I love that you have my back through thick and thin, even when I tell you not to. I love that you are the most unique girlfriend I have ever had. Most of all I love that you are you and I am me, but together we are unstoppable.

Love is patient, love is kind yes but love is also intense, painful, and infuriating in the past months I had sworn away love like it was my job, no more of that. Frankly it all goes back to what you said to me a little over a year ago; if you have nothing to lose then you aren't living, so today, tomorrow, and until you get rid of me it's time to risk it all and live everyday.

Stay Beautiful.

Wordless Wednesday

Feeling awesome. Love life.

Recent Happenings

Okay a brief catchup I swear, this time I am back for good.

-A returns from the Airforce.
-Spend a weekend in the sun romping around my home town causing trouble.
-Have several serious fights with Firefighter Guy.
-Speak to my mom about Firefighter Guy.
-Get into final fight with DBag and realize he is too much of a bully.
-Enter girl from the past.
-Enter first love.
-Make Decision.
-I chose her, will she chose me.
-Hangout more with A.
-Share recent life decisions with her, earn approval.
-Hope for the best prepare for the worst.
-Get ready for the hardest fall yet.

Now that we are caught up, like I said major things yes. I am not sure how I want to go about sharing them with all of you. Tonight I am thinking of taking it day by day, life is short and I need to live more. I am not sure if the decisions I am making are good ones but hey, at least I am giving this decisive thing a try.

Thunderstorms

I don't know why I titled this thunderstorms, it might have something to do with the way the skies opened up about 5 minutes ago and is currently emptying itself. Boyfriend and I hadn't really seen each other up until last night when he kidnapped me and took me on a little journey to the fire department. At first I thought it was totally stupid, like the fire house in the middle of a cow field is not romantic but after giving it a chance it kind of in it's own way was. We snuggled a bit and listened to the scanner for our county occasionally asking each other things, that's when it happened.

Laying there he asked what stereotype I would fit into best and that's when I finally said it. I said I was the typical all women's college stereotype he gave me a funny look and I said it- "I was a LUG" (Lesbian until Graduation) and he said okay and changed the subject. Was that me secretly admitting it to myself- that I'm not cut out for women, or was it the beginning of another long self discovery period figuring out what I like.

I was shocked at myself that I couldn't honestly say one way or another. I have said for weeks that I didn't know what I was doing but do I? The thing is I love women sexually and, physically I connect with them. But looking back I can not do another breakup like Ti, and I never want to. So is that the answer was my break up with Ti the final straw am I straight? For someone who had my shit altogether tied up in a bag and finally moving on, I think I might have opened a whole new garbage bag of issues.

P.S. Stalk some blogs today kids- after all it's Friday thanks to my favorite pregnant lady there are some good ones linked up!

Boyfriend

Don't asking what I am doing with my life. I simply have no idea anymore. What I know is there is a guy (wrong sex I am aware) who looks at me like I am Angelina, talks to me like I am a Queen, and makes me laugh like he is Dane Cook. So what am I doing with my life; standing, I am standing up for everything I deserve. I don't know where Boyfriend will take me, I know that I am just happy hoping for the best, preparing for the worst, and ready for anything.

Quick

Oh Fire Fighter Guy, he is turning into Prince Charming making me feel like a princess fit to be a queen. God he says everything right, let's me be free, and successfully makes me feel like the only girl in the world.

:)

I Have Come To Realize

I don't know what I am doing with my life this summer honestly. The last few days I have done my best to keep my emotions flowing constantly through my mind and trying to make a conscious effort to evaluate my thoughts as they stream. It didn't work. I am finding myself lost in the idea of my new found happiness. Fire Fighter Guy and I have not seen each other but we have talked nonstop, I really feel myself letting go of all those insecurities I found when Ti broke my life apart with her iron mallet (no we have not spoke). Then again maybe I am just patching this gaping hole.

So could it be? Am I really letting go? Who knows- I am honestly scarred that at the end of the day I really don't think any sort of straight relationship is going to work for me but, right now I can't have an in depth, emotionally tolling relationship. Ti broke me and as she has chosen to run and hide (literally) I have to do this on my own. I don't know if I am making the right decisions honestly, A and I talked a lot about it the other night and she told me to be happy so I am am. Fire Fighter Guy makes me happy, end of discussion. Or is this all just the beginning. Time will tell.

Firefighter Guy

Wow. What a whirlwind of a week. Saving you some of the pathetic details, I'll share my highlights. On Monday I hung out with Firefighter Guy after his class and he totally swept me off my feet. He picked me up and brought my to his horse farm (yes I said horse farm) and he had a candle lite blanketed area where we could star gaze and talked about things for two hours. If that wasn't enough when he brought me home he grabbed my hand and asked me if he could kiss me good night (oh yes) and boy he did kiss me good night. Since then we've hung out twice, both times amazing. I had a bad day today after a 2 hour doctor visit and he came over just to give me a kiss on the forehead and a big yellow sunflower.

I could get used to this.

Finding My Strength

After the greatest weekend, my love life down shifted to straight hell last night. Frankly I would love to write about it, tell you all my frustrations, worries, concerns, and temptations but I can not. I have chosen to censor myself on account of many things but mostly I don't want to hear gripe from anyone on my side and how I feel (even though this is my Blog and I think it is ridiculous). Instead of all this I will tell you about my strengths because I need to stop harping on my faults.

Life is hard, I do not want anyone to think that I do not know this but my life this summer is becoming harder than anything I have ever faced. I have many friends, good and true but they are far away and I can't help but feel guilty calling them to cry and whine because deep down I know they are struggling too. I guess this would be my first strength; being alone and coping. It has always been a struggle for me to be all alone, I am a people person and feel alone mostly when there are no people around.

The hardest has been Ti, I love her I truly do but she has worn me down, and the only powerful feelings I have anymore are resentment. I don't want to loose her but I don't know if the humans we are, are the same as humans we were. Part of me wants to scream at her and beg for our old love back, the other wants to run in the opposite direction from all the pain she has cause. The pain is the worst, truly the pain is almost unbearable. But beyond the pain there is deceit and I always said I would not date a lier, I would not date anyone who could be honest; however, I am. Ti in the past week has done both and instead of swiftly kicking her to the curb I find myself begging her to stay. I am calling this my second strength, because I truly don't know how I deal with half this shit.

Staying off topic- I guess I need to get all of this out. I love her, god damn do I love Ti if I didn't then why would be here still. But half the time I need to find a way out and the other half I need her. Why can't I let go of this painful cycle, I want happiness and I want love neither of which I can figure out. I have tried talking to her I really have and I am at such a great loss, I think it's time to cut ties and figure out if I can break even- but I can't let go.

Decisions

I truly hate making decisions. In the past week I have made a great deal frankly, I am concerned about my choices however I am convinced that I had to make 'em and following my heart is what I need to do. As promised Ti wants me back, I am not trying to be cocky but I am great. Okay, okay so there is more to it then being great but regardless she wants me back. I say want because I am not giving in as easily as I think she expected, but I really think this summer apart should be used for the best which is realizing why we love each other, is this something that can last, and if it's really what we want.

Beyond Ti I have made a few other major life choices. I have rejoined the gym and also am working out with Trainer Guy from last summer! He is good for me and kicks my ass, I need to be healthy and happy both of which I haven't been. I have made a new friend as well, it happened so unexpectedly my step brother knows him from the fire department we'll call him Firefighter Guy. He is really great we text non-stop and I think he is a good true friend, and we all know you can't have enough of those.

A Lesson in Love and Loss

It's over. Who are we kidding, the lines have been crossed and the walls reconstructed. If ever we had felt alone before, it's even more so now.

Love isn't always enough. I love you, I thought it was worth it but looking in your eyes I didn't feel warmth. I am hurting, and so are you it's not fair for either of us to be in this situation.

I have loved and lost, I am ready to begin the mourning process.

This means it's over, right? Another failed relationship, so much blame and hurt to distribute. Who gets which friends, who takes the blame.

Knowing what I do, accepting what is, you and I are over. But I'm still holding on, again for dear life. I can not tell you why, maybe you and I are meant to be, or maybe I am blind. Nothing feels right about loving you or leaving you.

There is no list that shows a clear answer. The better question, is there a clear answer?

Who do I turn to, what so I do, I need the answer, any answer.

My Newest: FML.

I’m inlove with you. I can’t promise a future, I can’t promise perfection, because we’re us… and I’m me, and who knows what will happen. But in my heart, I am sure. I’m inlove with you and I hope you’re inlove with me too.

GREY’S ANATOMY

Double post? It must have been a weird day; yes. Ti and I are arguing daily, at this point I don't know where we stand, the cold hard truth is I don't know if we can do this. Everything  is a fight these days, Ti and I are different people. I sometimes just wish that "I love you" was enough for her. She worries about my parents and that I will change my mind, or take the easy way out instead of being involved with a woman. 


Ugh FML so depressing.

Advice, please. save my relationship.

Trust Issues

I have them, I am not shy and frankly everyone has a trust issue to a degree. Where do your's stem from? Mine, HA there isn't enough hours in a year for me to tell you the issues I have with trust. This is a hard post because it is very personal, I have these two friends (they will remain completely anonymous) I am watching them and their relationship fall apart, why? Trust. I have seen in the past two weeks something I don't know if I ever noticed before, it's simple really without trust there is nothing it's so hard for me to watch my two friends, they are the two people I have time after time said were soul mates after all.

I love them, they have their faults yes but they are perfect in my eyes for each other well, they were. I'm not sure anymore. It just completely got me thinking about it all, I am in a new relationship too will I change? Will my girlfriend change? No one is perfect, and it's a scary world out there so where do you draw the lines of your relationships. How much change is compromise before it turns to something more, when is it not okay to settle anymore, and where do trust and faith stand in your point of view faith in the person not to hurt you and trust in the person that they will be yours fully.

Looking back boy I have been on both sides of the fence, neither side is greener. On one hand, you are constantly changing yourself to fit the person you are with. S and I were like that I became her mom, micro managing her life. But I had no trust with J, he hurt me so badly and lost all my trust and faith, wham bam thank you bye. In my eyes I think when I find the right person I'll just know, I hope.

Until Next Time!

Chubbie Chick Lesson # 57 - Trust fully, be full of faith, and wish for the best.

Because I May be Bad, But I'm Perfectly Good at It!

I found someone unexpected on Blogger yesterday, I won't call her an ex but we weren't just friends. She was a someone for a couple weeks in my life, though it hurts to admit I used her as a place filler and that was wrong. I thought about contacting her, in fact I had the text open on my phone but, I didn't know what to write. The whole experience was really eye opening, it made me think about how many mistakes I made the past year.

It's is safe to say I am on my path of redemption but I do not regret a thing that happened to me. I am a jerk sometimes, I'm extremely selfish, I over think and criticize a lot of things, but I love with passion, I live for a reason, and I laugh like it's my last chance to breath. Everyone has skeletons, everyone makes mistakes but it's what you do with your skeletons, and the decisions you make after the wrong ones that make you who you are.

So what happened with us you might ask? I met her last year, we got off to a terrible start her big sister was the secretary on my class board (I was the president) she sat in on one of my board meetings, I could feel her looking at me, she watched me like a hawk. I was initially flattered then, her sister creeped me out telling me she stalked me, do I think she stalked me? No but maybe close. She enrolled in my school the next fall I decided to throw my judgement out the window and befriend her, I gave her a shot when S and I broke up. I was hurt, broken, fragile, and ready to feel something and, when I realized she was only attaching to me I cut her off, dropped her like a hot potato, and broke her heart.

It wasn't meant to work romantically, she and I can't be friends though (she wanted to be) I knew it wasn't good for either of us. So in true Meg fashion I took those pieces of her broken heart and set them on fire. Ridding her of me and my dysfunction junction until she matures. Maybe one day she and I will be friends again, after she grows up. Maybe one day the karma for what I did will bite me in the ass, either way I'm prepared.

It's been a weird week so far and oh it's Monday? I heard from S again, I'm getting down right annoyed by her messages now. She needs to move on, it bothers me. Tomorrow is the first day of spring semester and I am extremely excited! I just feel like it's my next step, everything is right with the world. I am happy. I'm going to leave on this note.

Chubbie Chick Lesson #54 - 1 year from now it will be my last semester of my under grad degree, I think I can, I think I can. 114 days until SUMMER!

Having Sex and Making Love

You know what really gets me, like totally baffles me the difference between sex and making love? It's the same action but depending on the performance level, setting, and the words exchanged it is completely different. The given is obviously, how the persons involved feel about each other but can't you have sex and make love with the same person if you love them, where as you can't make love to a person you don't love or have love for so, then wouldn't it just be sex? Really what makes them so much different and is it the same with gay men and women the way it is with heterosexual men and women?

Sex can be emotionless, you can "fuck" someone who you met that same day and while there is always some guilt the next day it's still fairly acceptable.

Making Love is something two people in love do. It's the act of becoming intimate with each other and being connected physically as much as mentally.

I can easily say I have had sex with people and not had "love" for them, I can't say that about making love. I have found being a woman of experience [HAHA] it is much harder to have sex with out emotion with other women then men. It is also safe to say that I have had much more loveless sex with men then women, in fact I have not had loveless sex ever with a woman. None the less I am not justifying either of them, I can remember the days I planned on "waiting" until true love came or marriage, that plan didn't happen for me and while I regret it, everything happens for a reason.

What do you guys think, I would love to hear other insights and opinions-

Decisions About Love

I am a hopeless romantic, there is no doubt about it. However in the past lets say... 11 years of my dating life I have learned some things about myself and others, these things also came with a price... parts of my heart. I am not bitter towards the people who have broken my heart, but at one point or another it hurt. In the past month I have found myself in the ever so familiar predicament "do I put myself out there again" and "am I ready to handle all of this" at first I was scared, very scared but then someone popped in my life so unexpectedly and reminded me why putting myself out there is worth it.

Earlier this week S stepped back in my life late at night. She was looking for some answers and I think it was the final piece of closure I needed. S reminded me of the person I was September 2009, overly adventurous and slightly reckless I jumped into a relationship with a woman. As most of you know it was my first and all I really remember was the feeling of spontaneity that came with giving my heart to someone. It wasn't easy and I don't expect it to be this time around but, I want to try. I want the chance to love someone the way I live, so passionately. I have a chance and the way I see it I'm lucky to have her and I might get lucky again with love.

What this means is I am going to let myself fall in lust and like, and when love wants to take over I'm not going to fight it. I'm letting the walls down and if I get hurt I won't regret it. So while my heart has been torn apart, shattered, glued, and taped back together so many times I'm going to try and whatever happens, happens. Life is too short to give yourself to people who don't want you, so I've worked hard to take my heart back these past few months and now I'm going to try something different. Wish me luck.

Chubbie Chick Lesson #51- Here's my heart, it's not pretty or new but it's full of love and passion and I want you to have it.

"Yeah, Head First.."

It was around 9:30 last night that I got a text message that very possibly turned my terrible week and luck around. Driving home from the hospital I was a miserable ball of stress, I was grumpy, over tired, and most of all really freaking angry with the world. When I saw a text from her, and I picked up the phone to call her because I missed her voice. She asked me if I wanted to Skype with her since she is 120 miles away from me, I told her 10:00 then she responded with the most incredible words ever "or get a drink?" Making fun of her slip up instantly I told her I was not in the area and while I would love to see her MORE THAN ANYTHING I wouldn't be able to, she replied that she was 30 minutes away and made my night. So yeah that is my girlfriend, I am so lucky, she picked me up and spent an hour with me before leaving. She made life seem manageable again and gave me the best Christmas surprise ever. I believe in miracles again because of last night (since I have been home I wished every night for her, she has no idea).

My girlfriend is so good to me though, I really don't have any other way to phrase it. I am so lucky. Even last night I was stuttering and fumbling words like I was severely impaired and at one point couldn't even vocalize my feelings, just looking at her and said "yeah, head first" it was ridiculous. My feelings for her are strong, I have never really seen myself for a sucker but with her I am. I really get scared at points like am I making good choices, will I get hurt again, when can I let down these walls I constructed after S & J but slowly we are figuring it out wall by wall. She makes me feel comfortable, and stable she isn't dependent but loves spending time with me, she always knows what to say to make me blush, and her smile is one of the most contagious things I have encountered. The thing about her though that drives me wild is her mind, I am a people reader I can get in peoples' heads and know what they want and what they are thinking just not her.

Bottom line is that I know I'm not a perfect person and have a difficult personality, she isn't an angel either and she can be so stubborn at times but I would rather have her at her worst then anyone else at their best. It isn't love and most certainly involves lust but that's up for renegotiation soon, stay tuned.

 Chubbie Chick Lesson # 48 - You deserve this, don't fight it.

PS. As far as the bad week goes I am not going to talk about it on here, it's very personal and I just don't feel like I am going to be able to verbalize the things in my head in a nice way, and also family members are sick and they deserve privacy.

Perfect Sunday

Thank you for making my day.

Chubbie Chick Lesson # 47:

Falling (V) - To move downward, typically rapidly and freely without control.

I Don't Have Words.

Faith - Complete trust or confidence in someone or something.

Hope -  Feeling of expectation and desire for a certain thing to happen.

Trust - Firm belief in the reliability, truth, ability, or strength of someone or something.

Chubbie Chick Lesson # 37 - Get better so I can get better.

The Best Kind of Surprise

I went to see S yesterday, I surprised her she was so dumb founded it was cute :) The plan went perfectly according to plan. I talked to her sister and she made sure S was going to be home. At 7:30 I made my 2 hour journey to her house. In the end I rang the doorbell shocked the hell out of my girlfriend and didn't let go of her once for the 12 hours we spent together. I love her so much, it really is the hardest but most rewarding feeling in the world. We watched some television but mostly talked and cuddled, I miss her so much. It has been hard for me, I had lived with her for close to most of my sophmore year and sleeping without her certainly is the hardest, but last night I just relaxed so much. I don't remember falling asleep or waking up it was so nice. She is really the best cuddle buddy I know. Now I am home again, I must say I am good at playing straight and single.

I think I might go clean up some and go for a run, talk to you all tonight :)

Chubbie Chick Lesson #19 - Distance has made my heart grow fonder, and also hurt a lot.