Beyond My Wildest Dreams

Quick sum up of life this past week; it sucked. My school work began piling up, my ex is a bitch of epic proportion and I lost a few great friends to an arch enemy. All of this being said and more, I ran away this weekend to my home, to my family, to my hidden life in which no one knows my silent suffering from my triumphs. It was a good weekend with a few low lows but I managed to pull myself out and just live, coexist, make that smile appear; because that's what I have always been taught.

Come today I was exhausted, I had a severe case of the Monday bitchy blues and honestly I was miserable to even be around. After class I dragged myself to lunch and saw A, instantly a little more excited we decided to take an adventure; pictures, Starbucks, and a lot of music I was feeling good. We managed to get some food and head back for my night class. To cut a long drawn out story short half way through my class I recieved an email, Confessions had been the chosen editors pick on The Lesbian Lifestyle instant glee, literally. I jumped for joy and a few friends peered over my shoulder to my iPad and noticed what I was looking at they got excited too.

Needless to say I am so excited, completely thrilled, totally emotional, and I did what I do best cried; literally in the middle of my classroom (thank god we were on break). There is truly a lot I would love to say about this feature and what it really means to me instead, I want to thank everyone in my life. The ones who've broken my heart, bullied me, been my friend, supported me, and most importantly the people who have made me who I am today. No seriously, I am thanking all the people who have fucked me over I know what a joke, but it is the truth and frankly I wouldn't be me if it wasn't for them.

All of this has really put life in perspective again, really I was such a grump today and a total bitch. Then all of a sudden again everything changed and I needless to say felt like a total ass for feeling like that. Life is a funny thing and I feel like all the bad luck I have literally found for the past two weeks just got pushed away and all my good karma has checked in FINALLY. To keep this long story just long and not chapters I am going to stop for tonight and celebrate some more, to anyone new who did pop over from TLL thank you for checking me out, come back anytime.

Really everyone thank you so much.

Sex

Sex. No one talks about it, everyone is doing it. I am going to write about it. Girlfriend & I have recently confirmed our relationship by having a buzzed night of hair pulling, body shaking, hardly breathing, and completely intoxicating sex. It changed a lot for the good, yes and for the bad, a little. The good parts are her sexy side, god I love the way she came out of her shell but, our conversations are different as well. We as a couple a more sexually starved and I can not get the image of her underneath me out of my head. It taught me something really important, no one is ever really ready.

Sex is so important, just not in the way that every person stresses. When it comes down to it sex changes everything it is complicated as much as it is fun and I am only talking between women. Put heterosexual sex in the mix and you have the risk of bringing another person into the world. It goes without saying that sex brings on the risk of disease, viruses, and potential death or crabs haha.

Sex can toy with emotions too, in case you didn't know when a woman has an orgasm the hormones released make you more attached to the person who supplied you the orgasm. That's right, there is no such things as friends with benefits when it comes to lesbians; don't even try, just take my advice. Men on the other hand don't get the same response that women do, of course and well they just get happy and super tired.

There is so much you can write about sex, you could literally write a fifty page expose' on just the different kinds and still have one hundred left to name. Sex can be everything, sex can be just something, but never is sex just nothing. So the next time you go to take some one's pants of, or just move their panties to the side (because that's sexy too) remember, no person is ever fully ready for it. My advice, wear a helmet or at least a condom.

Playing House

It's been quite a summer to love really, with the ups and downs I have learned a lot and am truly grateful from where I ended up. I started out as someone whom I never want to be again, looking back I was a monster; judgmental, insincere, and vengeful. I have no one to blame for that but myself regardless summer moved on and I finally found myself, in someone else.

I have always rushed through life moving quicker in order to appease everyone around me, I never took time to smell the flowers and just stand in the rain. Life is different now and honestly I don't mind the lulls in my day and even these last two weeks away from my friends. In my last weeks here I do have a lot to look forward too, tonight we are going to my favorite place, a restaurant and lounge that I used to work I love everyone there and my favorite is singing. Tomorrow I start house sitting again, something I do every summer it's fun for me. Two dogs and two cats playing house with me, having a schedule of cleaning, cooking, relaxing, working, and living alone in a non-dorm setting.

In other news I am recovering from tonsillitis, this is my 9th go around and I was informed this time will be my last time because I need to get rid of my tonsils. Scary yes, excited no. Until then though just staying healthy and living life as it comes. Nice and slow.

My Kinda Wondeful

This life is crazy, I never in my life imagined anything that has happened to me to actually happen. Looking back at my summer, my limits have been tested from alcohal to women, to regret and lots of working out my summer has been lots of lessons. I can't explain the basis for this post besides expressing to the world how exciting my life has become. The small world in which I originate  from is buzzing about my new found romance, when asked to comment I always respond in the same way "I am happy, be happy for me.." I won't share the back story now, or maybe ever on this blog because it isn't my story to share.

Back to basics. I love talking to you over skype. I love getting to know your friends and feeling as though they are almost mine as well. I love that you have my back through thick and thin, even when I tell you not to. I love that you are the most unique girlfriend I have ever had. Most of all I love that you are you and I am me, but together we are unstoppable.

Love is patient, love is kind yes but love is also intense, painful, and infuriating in the past months I had sworn away love like it was my job, no more of that. Frankly it all goes back to what you said to me a little over a year ago; if you have nothing to lose then you aren't living, so today, tomorrow, and until you get rid of me it's time to risk it all and live everyday.

Stay Beautiful.

Thunderstorms

I don't know why I titled this thunderstorms, it might have something to do with the way the skies opened up about 5 minutes ago and is currently emptying itself. Boyfriend and I hadn't really seen each other up until last night when he kidnapped me and took me on a little journey to the fire department. At first I thought it was totally stupid, like the fire house in the middle of a cow field is not romantic but after giving it a chance it kind of in it's own way was. We snuggled a bit and listened to the scanner for our county occasionally asking each other things, that's when it happened.

Laying there he asked what stereotype I would fit into best and that's when I finally said it. I said I was the typical all women's college stereotype he gave me a funny look and I said it- "I was a LUG" (Lesbian until Graduation) and he said okay and changed the subject. Was that me secretly admitting it to myself- that I'm not cut out for women, or was it the beginning of another long self discovery period figuring out what I like.

I was shocked at myself that I couldn't honestly say one way or another. I have said for weeks that I didn't know what I was doing but do I? The thing is I love women sexually and, physically I connect with them. But looking back I can not do another breakup like Ti, and I never want to. So is that the answer was my break up with Ti the final straw am I straight? For someone who had my shit altogether tied up in a bag and finally moving on, I think I might have opened a whole new garbage bag of issues.

P.S. Stalk some blogs today kids- after all it's Friday thanks to my favorite pregnant lady there are some good ones linked up!

Silly Girl

Story time kids, gather round and listen close. Not so long ago, not very far away there was these girls..

Okay I can't tell stories that well but damn I wish I could, so do I have a story: of course I do.  Tonight everything was fairly normal when my TSwift decided to send me this absurd text message about not being my friend because of her domestic partner's insecurities. Alright my fellow homos and other knowledgeable friends this is obviously a clear case of one partners need to control the other. Basically TSwift's girlfriend decided she would put the ax to TSwift's and my friendship a rather deviant plot however clever none the less. I would like to acknowledge that while TSwift's girlfriend was rather clever I am always two steps ahead.

Immediately I told My TSwift about the ridiculousness of this whole scenario and after hours of rationalizing I think it was finally clear to her that her domestic partner was not in the right. So then we talked about our options and to my astonishment (sarcasm) TSwift and I realized I wasn't doing anything wrong, and there was no behavior to modify because at the end of the day I don't do anything, we are miles apart, and TSwift and I are just friends. So literally hours after our initial text messages I think we both called a truce and I made her promise to be my friend forever.

And we lived happy, in harmony, as friends (just friends), for the rest of our days. The end.

No, not the end. Ha did you guys think this chick was getting off easy. Okay her nickname is now Domestic Partner, anyway who does this chick think she is? New to the gay scene, insecure, in love, overwhelmed, or (dare I say) jealous does not give ANYONE the right to literally not let their partner, lover, friend be friends with others. At one point TSwift said it had something to do with our past and DP not accepting it yet; (ding ding) bull shit! When you get into a relationship with someone you accept their past and present, their good and bad, mistakes and missteps, and love them for who they were as much as who they are. Domestic Partner is just not a good girlfriend I guess, does she not understand the rules, I would suggest couples counseling but honestly who wants to be with someone who's girlfriend is so jealous she can't breath. Silly girl.

Oh women.

A Lesson in Love and Loss

It's over. Who are we kidding, the lines have been crossed and the walls reconstructed. If ever we had felt alone before, it's even more so now.

Love isn't always enough. I love you, I thought it was worth it but looking in your eyes I didn't feel warmth. I am hurting, and so are you it's not fair for either of us to be in this situation.

I have loved and lost, I am ready to begin the mourning process.

This means it's over, right? Another failed relationship, so much blame and hurt to distribute. Who gets which friends, who takes the blame.

Knowing what I do, accepting what is, you and I are over. But I'm still holding on, again for dear life. I can not tell you why, maybe you and I are meant to be, or maybe I am blind. Nothing feels right about loving you or leaving you.

There is no list that shows a clear answer. The better question, is there a clear answer?

Who do I turn to, what so I do, I need the answer, any answer.

Fits Hitting The Shan

Life is crazy, if you haven't gotten that from my last 10 posts you should catch up. It's Sunday this weekend has been made up of so many ups and downs, where to begin.

Thursday- After a disappointing beginning finding out I had not been picked for a selective 2 position spot at my college, I went shopping with a friend and sucked it up. Life was okay and after a 4 hour mall trip filled with errands completed and a lot of needed laughs I decided to go to the softball game, no one was there so sat next to my ex T and had a good catch up sess when the cellphone rang. SC (shit) I'd been blowing her off admittedly because I wasn't ready to be told to get my shit together, anyway it was a friend 911* and I sped to her apartment (fast). Fourish hours later she was asleep with her girl and I was lost in Hartford without my GPS. Call my girlfriend who gets nervous for me making me more nervous. Unlost myself go back to school sleep away my depression.

Friday- Wake up late, go to my only class. Hang out at school waiting for Ti. Go to lunch at Panera for some much needed carbs. Go to her apartment nap, talk, and laugh (feeling better now). After that it's time to get ready, Gala is finally here I looked good and my self esteem is high. Arrive at Gala already buzzed proceed to drink [more] end up being sloppy, had a great night.

Saturday- Holy shit hangover. Lay in bed most of the day, Ti and I catch up on sleep. A called from boot camp something is not right, I am worried try to put it off when her parents called and said they were also worried, oh shit. Rent a few movies, do some chores, watch movies and have a huge fight. Go to sleep in love knowing full well that these fights are worth it.

Sunday- Well it's 12:15 I have not gotten out of bed, when I do hopefully I survive. Also after writing this all out realized haven't heard from SC and I'm pretty sure that ticks me off, so much for retribution or thank yous, sometimes it's nice to feel appreciated.

Decisions About Love

I am a hopeless romantic, there is no doubt about it. However in the past lets say... 11 years of my dating life I have learned some things about myself and others, these things also came with a price... parts of my heart. I am not bitter towards the people who have broken my heart, but at one point or another it hurt. In the past month I have found myself in the ever so familiar predicament "do I put myself out there again" and "am I ready to handle all of this" at first I was scared, very scared but then someone popped in my life so unexpectedly and reminded me why putting myself out there is worth it.

Earlier this week S stepped back in my life late at night. She was looking for some answers and I think it was the final piece of closure I needed. S reminded me of the person I was September 2009, overly adventurous and slightly reckless I jumped into a relationship with a woman. As most of you know it was my first and all I really remember was the feeling of spontaneity that came with giving my heart to someone. It wasn't easy and I don't expect it to be this time around but, I want to try. I want the chance to love someone the way I live, so passionately. I have a chance and the way I see it I'm lucky to have her and I might get lucky again with love.

What this means is I am going to let myself fall in lust and like, and when love wants to take over I'm not going to fight it. I'm letting the walls down and if I get hurt I won't regret it. So while my heart has been torn apart, shattered, glued, and taped back together so many times I'm going to try and whatever happens, happens. Life is too short to give yourself to people who don't want you, so I've worked hard to take my heart back these past few months and now I'm going to try something different. Wish me luck.

Chubbie Chick Lesson #51- Here's my heart, it's not pretty or new but it's full of love and passion and I want you to have it.

"Yeah, Head First.."

It was around 9:30 last night that I got a text message that very possibly turned my terrible week and luck around. Driving home from the hospital I was a miserable ball of stress, I was grumpy, over tired, and most of all really freaking angry with the world. When I saw a text from her, and I picked up the phone to call her because I missed her voice. She asked me if I wanted to Skype with her since she is 120 miles away from me, I told her 10:00 then she responded with the most incredible words ever "or get a drink?" Making fun of her slip up instantly I told her I was not in the area and while I would love to see her MORE THAN ANYTHING I wouldn't be able to, she replied that she was 30 minutes away and made my night. So yeah that is my girlfriend, I am so lucky, she picked me up and spent an hour with me before leaving. She made life seem manageable again and gave me the best Christmas surprise ever. I believe in miracles again because of last night (since I have been home I wished every night for her, she has no idea).

My girlfriend is so good to me though, I really don't have any other way to phrase it. I am so lucky. Even last night I was stuttering and fumbling words like I was severely impaired and at one point couldn't even vocalize my feelings, just looking at her and said "yeah, head first" it was ridiculous. My feelings for her are strong, I have never really seen myself for a sucker but with her I am. I really get scared at points like am I making good choices, will I get hurt again, when can I let down these walls I constructed after S & J but slowly we are figuring it out wall by wall. She makes me feel comfortable, and stable she isn't dependent but loves spending time with me, she always knows what to say to make me blush, and her smile is one of the most contagious things I have encountered. The thing about her though that drives me wild is her mind, I am a people reader I can get in peoples' heads and know what they want and what they are thinking just not her.

Bottom line is that I know I'm not a perfect person and have a difficult personality, she isn't an angel either and she can be so stubborn at times but I would rather have her at her worst then anyone else at their best. It isn't love and most certainly involves lust but that's up for renegotiation soon, stay tuned.

 Chubbie Chick Lesson # 48 - You deserve this, don't fight it.

PS. As far as the bad week goes I am not going to talk about it on here, it's very personal and I just don't feel like I am going to be able to verbalize the things in my head in a nice way, and also family members are sick and they deserve privacy.

Fairytales and Fantasy

"Once upon a time there was a young girl, this girl feel in love with her best friend. Their love was unexpected and not accepted but it was raw, deep, and never ending. The two young girls were soul mates..they lived happily ever after."

Have any of you ever really considered a gay or lesbian fairytale, with a happy ending similar to Cinderella? I do. Today my younger brother and I were talking about something and he called his friend a faggot (that word is awful, I hate it). It got me thinking how did the two of us become so different growing up the same way, and if only he knew I'm dating a girl. First off he told me once if that ever happened he would hate me forever and I believe him. Anyway back to what I was saying I began wondering what would people's perceptions be if we grew up on those types of fairy tales instead of our own.

Maybe I'm nuts, maybe I have no idea what I'm talking about, but I feel like when you grow up on something you then are not so afraid of it. I don't even know if I am a lesbian but dating S and being on the other side of things has opened my eyes a lot. See my family is one thing but I lost a very close friend over it as well, today she will say it was not the fact I'm dating a chick. But in my heart I know it has everything to do with it and frankly my loss of her this past year hurt more than J or anyone else.

Chubbie Chick Lesson #17- I wish people wouldn't be so afraid.

Chinese Food & A Cuddle Session

S and I spent today with our friends A & H, we had a good day. We ended up going to see How to Train a Dragon in 3D :) I had never seen a 3D movie before! If you haven't either I totally recomend it, I loved it. Now we are snuggled up on the couch together enjoying each other and in a food coma from our take out Chinese food dinner yummmm :) Any way I'm exhausted so how about a real entry tomorrow, promise.

Sleepily yours,
meg

Chubbie Chick Lesson #5 - When exhausted, go to bed! GOODNIGHTTTTTT!

Until you Heat me Up..

I'm going to tell you a story, that isn't so much a story but my current life. I am a sophomore in college and coming to school I was as straight as a sheet of glass, in other words I WAS BOY CRAZY. Then my second year here, I met S and she is so wonderful, she was the friend or a friend who I sort of new that I made a connection with this September, god she took my breath away 6 months later I have fallen hard, for a girl. Oh shit! A girl?! Let me start from the beginning I had been in a recently ended hardcore screwed up relationship with this guy for almost 6 years when it ended in disaster this past summer :( no worries I'm stronger. Anyway that is when I was reintroduced to a recently graduated (from my college) single, S. Let me just say head over heals means nothing when I describe her.. I hope one day she will find this Blog and then I will show you her gorgeous mug, however until that time NO ONE KNOWS :) she is the reason I smile everyday. Any way I am not gay, I am not a homo, and I am certainly not a dyke or a lesbian. I am merely a straight girl inlove with a beautiful, cunning lesbian. I'm kinda like spaghetti, straight until you heat me up. Haha on that note, goodnight.

Chubbie Chick Lesson #3 - don't knock it 'til you try it, most likely you'll like it :)

Until tomorrow,
meg