Sweet Goodbye Summertime

Cheers ladies & gentlemen, we made it. Another summer complete, as always I will supply you with my sweet summer tell all as there is only one week left which is turning into the most hectic week ever, next week. Before I jump into the dirt, dish, and indignant truth I want to say one thing; thank you to all my loyal readers out there, whether I know you or not thank you for reading, commenting, and viewing. I am so blessed, it is because of all of your positivity that I made it through some of the worst things ever to happen to me this summer and in the process lose roughly thirty-five unneeded pounds. So until next weeks version here are my top lessons learned!

• Not everyone grows up, some actually grow down.
• That fool me once blah blah thing, doesn't work.
• My parents are not gay friendly [SHOCKING]!
• Pets are like siblings that shit outside, you love them just as much.
• Cheating comes in all different packages, cheaters never face the music.
• Karma comes true, I need to watch my back more often.
• TSwift & I were meant to be, who saw that coming.
• I bitch; A LOT.
• All exes are crazy, legit.
• Even though we did it right, everyone still thinks I'm a home wrecker. 
• Sex is really fun when both parties are on the same level.
• I have a rocking personality.
• Confessions of a Chubbie Chick is a piece of me.
• TC&JM are made for each other RIH.
• I am stronger than ever.
• You actually have to listen to the things you write on your body.
• No one wants a happy ending, everyone needs a happy beginning.
• Real people, really stick around.
• It's okay to forgive, just never forget.
• Twitter is a great source to vent.
• I really don't like what some have become.
• Skype saves lives.

I Hate.. You

You my friend, are a liar. Have you kept track of everything you have lied about, probably not but I remember. New friends are fun for a few months but I don't forget all the shit you said about her, when her life spiraled. Good luck in the future because I will be as fake to you as you are to everyone else. I hope you genuinely get hit with a hard dose of karma, legit get ready.

I hate liars. I hate them with a burning passion. Be upfront and straight or don't be anything. Stand up for what's right but don't intentionally start a fight. I am pissed, beyond pissed I am disappointed. Good luck in the future; you will soon figure out it's you I am talking to. You aren't even worth a phone call to let you know. I hope our friendship falls apart in the same way your life has and will. Get your shit together, I told you once I wont be fucked over again, so before you do I'm out.

Have a good life.

Life According to Beverly Hills

I don't go into my silly rituals that make up my life often but I do have one compulsion I would like to share with you today, every weekend on SOAP net they rerun episodes of my favorite TV Beverly Hills 90210. I will be honest and say I could bear watch the new version on the CW so there is nothing comparative in this post (I don't review- never have, never will).

Okay so 90210 if you haven't watched it you should know it was one of the most scandalous things on nineties television, now it is weak in comparison to the things I watch. Nonetheless it does teach me things every episode, these crazy kids with the world at their hands always go back to the same morals love, family, and friendship. Is it totally lame to most probably, but even now I am sitting here enthralled with how the world was so much simpler then.

A Ducky Time & Just A Kiss

A ducky time? Yeah that's exactly what I said greetings from Duck, NC! Family vacation day 3- I finally have found a few moments to write. Frankly the truth is I have been feeling over inspired for days, I have a new muse and want to share her with the world, not yet. Anyway with my creative juices flowing I spend my mornings running and clearing my mind from the late night conversations that have turned my frown upside down, it's soon and I know I am in no shape to jump back into the grind of lesbian dating but, frankly I don't plan on venturing to the shark tank anytime soon. Right now I am content, right now I am happy, right now she is her and I am me and one day together we will be unstoppable.

This morning I surfed for the first time in a while I love it, the feeling like you're flying, the end on the wave and the first feeling of your feet on the sand after the perfect ride on a perfect wave. I was literally emotionless this morning all I had was the wind, water, and sun beating on me so perfect so free. Beyond surfing there has been plenty of family bonding and lame adventures that in the end make this whole week more worth it then anything money could buy. Tuesday we plan on taking a Jeep adventure to see the wild horses, I am so excited it will be another thing off my bucket list and a dream I have held for many many years.

Life is really treating me well, I do apologize to this all over the place post but there is so much to say but not enough time for me to write or you all to read. Soon, with time you will know about the many dreams of mine coming true, the cause of my silly smirks, and the life desicisons that in recent weeks have changed my life. Until then stay ducky!

A Little Walk in the Past

Everyone will be posting tomorrow the wonderful things they have to say about their dads, husbands, baby daddies, and pimps but I unfortunately will not. It would probably come no surprise to all of you that I have daddy issues through my hidden messages, between the lines commentary, and sarcastic snide remarks you probably understand my dad does not deserve father of the year.

My dad is my match, he is a one of a kind kinda man whom it appears I was cloned from. Dad and I had a relationship the would beat even the strongest of competitive bonds. Alas, all good things must come to an end and like you probably for saw my dad fucked up and show his true imperfections when I was at the ripe age of nine. Dad made a series of bad choices those years the can be summed up in less than five words: cheated, beated, fucking retreated. That's right after being caught by my not always perfect mother cheating on her daddy dearest lost his temper a couple of times that lead to restraining orders and really confusing nights. Honestly most of my memories I no longer can recall the doctor says it's repression I call it self preservation, daddy did finally get his shit together but it was a few short years later he screwed it up again.

Dad decided to marry the bitch he cheated on my mother with; she was a young, hot, brunette who apparently had a thing for a fat balding man. Couple of years go by Bitch gets dad all to herself by verbal abuse and finally pushes me to my breaking point. In a heart wrenching moment I cut my ties with my clone and that was that. Until he should back up, claiming a bitchy PMS daughter (me) made her do it, he keeps defending his blushing bride. My dad and I have been rocky ever since, are we close this week; sure. Will we be next week; no clue.

Dad tries to get his shit together I know he does, I know I could have it way worst but none the less it could be better too. Tomorrow I will go fishing with him like he has asked, I know my father wants me around and I am trying to want it too. One day I might tell you more, until then- treasure what you have, learn from what you don't, pray for only what you need.

Happy Father's Day Pops-

Tuesday Troublemaker

My newest idea- I love to rant so maybe every week I can limit my ranting just for Tuesday hmm we shall see!

I have been bullied all of my life and until I went to college I never realized how strong it made me. I hate the stigma that is bullies because frankly most bullies do not; steal your lunch box, aren't overly big, and don't wait for you on a corner. My hate for bullies is strong which makes my job as a camp counselor and teacher extremely hard because I frankly want to let all of them know exactly what bullying does to people.

I am 21 years old and today I was bullied AGAIN what the ph-uh-ck (sound it out) I am not going to give the details because I don't care enough about it, what I care about is the people who can't brush it off and can't let it go, the one's who don't have thick skin.  I hate knowing there are girls, boys, men, and women who everyday feel like they have had enough, and just wish for something better.

I know at the end of the day I am not the greatest person in the world, I know their are probably moments when I make people feel less than they are but, at least I try my best to not hurt the way some of these ph-uh-ck-ers do. I want to tell everyone it gets better but does it? Until today I honestly thought it does get better but again some asshole proves me wrong.

Standing

I am standing up, standing up for everything I deserve. I am standing up for who I am, standing up for what's right. Mama always told me I am the best daughter she could have, dad's always been so proud. So today, right now, from this point forward I am standing. No more cowardly statements, no more weakness. I am perfect as me, I am proud of myself, I follow my heart, and do what's right for me. I chose not to push down others, I am me and they are them. So today for the first time in as long as I can remember I am choosing to stand.


Camera told me today something no one else has quite yet and it touched me, she said "Meg you're allowed to be angry, you CAN be upset, and it's okay.." I don't know why I thought it wasn't I guess because for the past weeks I have been the one standing up and getting pushed down for my beliefs. Honestly, I am so sick of fighting and so hurt by all the lying and deceit but, I woke up this morning and realized I did nothing wrong. Ti wants to see others and I need to let her make her own bed. TSwift wants to push me away, there's the door kid.

So often I beat myself down for choices I made as a kid, but those choices helped me grow up with the strength I have today. I know I am worth something more then what Ti and I concluded as, and I know she will look back one day and hopefully be happy with what I could give at the time, and as for TSwift I can only hope for the best. I find myself wondering constantly what if I hadn't fought about this, or said that and I see not I shouldn't have to do that because, the one honest thing I know I did was I always stoop up for what I believed in just like momma said.

I don't wish the worst for Ti, I knew the day we started dating she would break my heart into a million and one tiny fragments and she did. Does it suck being lied to; yes. Does it suck being cheated on; absolutely. Does it hurt to know there is no more between us; without a doubt. But one day I will be a little stronger, one day soon I will know TSwift will regret losing our friendship and Ti will miss the way I loved her.

Until then some love notes-

TSwift,
Words can not explain the way you have made me feel in the past year, I hope you know that I always cared about you and would never separated you and Domestic Partner. One day you will grow up and realize you are worth more than what either of us could give you, and hopefully find peace. I was listening to Stay Beautiful the other day and I realized that the song is song perfect for us I don't know I ever realized it before. So in closing- "You're beautiful, every little piece love and don't you know your really gonna be someone? Ask anyone. So when you find everything you're looking for, I hope that life leads you back to my front door, oh but if it don't stay beautiful.."

Ti,
In the past months you have honestly showed me the best and worst of what love really is. Looking back I can promise you I will cherish both the good and bad times between us, you taught me so much. I know deep down I will never forgive you for the break up text messages and cheating on our love (I wont even say me because I guess your feelings for me were questionable throughout the last moth) but I know one day I will see this heartbreak for the better. You have opened the door for me to become a greater person than I ever realized I was and for that I am eternally grateful. I wish for nothing but the best for you but as I have learned karma is a bitch, watch your back. Life is a up hill race Ti and one day I know you will see that you have to learn to walk up the hills rather then just drop out of the race.

Time

There is so much that you can write about time, so many things happen because of the time in which they take place. I can blame time for my new found misery as Ti has chosen to see others she says our timing was off. I can blame time for going to quickly, rushing away years off my life and causing me to grow up too quickly. Time is something painful and magical in the same time. For every negative thing time has done, there are positives to compliment this cycle.

Time has brought summer, a time for me to reflect and relax something I have not been doing until recently. Time brought me firefighter guy who swept my misery under the rug last night and made me feel a little bit better. Time brought me to my blog this afternoon and gave me the relaxation that I needed to finally write out my confusion. Most of all time has shown me I am okay, a good friend Sav told me the other day it gets better, day by day it gets a little easier.

So here's to time, for treating us well and teaching us without censorship. We may not always enjoy it, we certainly might not always like it, but it's for the good. It's better this way.

Finding My Strength

After the greatest weekend, my love life down shifted to straight hell last night. Frankly I would love to write about it, tell you all my frustrations, worries, concerns, and temptations but I can not. I have chosen to censor myself on account of many things but mostly I don't want to hear gripe from anyone on my side and how I feel (even though this is my Blog and I think it is ridiculous). Instead of all this I will tell you about my strengths because I need to stop harping on my faults.

Life is hard, I do not want anyone to think that I do not know this but my life this summer is becoming harder than anything I have ever faced. I have many friends, good and true but they are far away and I can't help but feel guilty calling them to cry and whine because deep down I know they are struggling too. I guess this would be my first strength; being alone and coping. It has always been a struggle for me to be all alone, I am a people person and feel alone mostly when there are no people around.

The hardest has been Ti, I love her I truly do but she has worn me down, and the only powerful feelings I have anymore are resentment. I don't want to loose her but I don't know if the humans we are, are the same as humans we were. Part of me wants to scream at her and beg for our old love back, the other wants to run in the opposite direction from all the pain she has cause. The pain is the worst, truly the pain is almost unbearable. But beyond the pain there is deceit and I always said I would not date a lier, I would not date anyone who could be honest; however, I am. Ti in the past week has done both and instead of swiftly kicking her to the curb I find myself begging her to stay. I am calling this my second strength, because I truly don't know how I deal with half this shit.

Staying off topic- I guess I need to get all of this out. I love her, god damn do I love Ti if I didn't then why would be here still. But half the time I need to find a way out and the other half I need her. Why can't I let go of this painful cycle, I want happiness and I want love neither of which I can figure out. I have tried talking to her I really have and I am at such a great loss, I think it's time to cut ties and figure out if I can break even- but I can't let go.

Dirty Laundry

I have plenty, I guess that it's starting to pile a bit and at my old wise age of 21 I have chosen to air what I feel are my biggest mistakes, slips, oopsies, trips, and my one regret. I wish I had a reason for writing this I feel like it would have greater influence if I did, or maybe I would just feel better about airing said dirty laundry if I could just talk about it- but I can't and mostly I won't. The people who matter to me read my blog and frankly this will probably be a one time thing, I hate admitting I'm wrong.

So where do I start, oh hell lets hit the big one first.

My best friend and I A haha oh A, damn it I love that girl. Right around November however we slipped into this really moody and disastrous cycle. Neither one of us were happy and both of us were stressed to the limits. We had a falling out, looking back it was the hardest thing I ever dealt with I do take a good portion of the blame there was a lot of really shitty instances that should have been avoided. Ultimately I let a girl get between my best friend and I, my own immaturity is what I regret the most which went hand in hand with my stubbornness I know I am lucky that she took me back, and I am even luckier that everything worked out.

The other big one.

Lets talk about my "Other Girl" I don't really like that nick name though it is fitting I like to think of her as my TSwift (she'll get it). I have wrote about her a great deal here in my blog, she is one of a kind truly. Skipping over all the things I could ramble on about over and over again, I really screwed with her. I was the epitome of what every lesbian turns and runs away from when they meet another lesbian. She was so young and I really could have done some damage. We are both lucky. The thing is through it all she put up with it, really well I must say. Today we are friends, good friends- we get each other better then most and both know that leaning on the other is expected when needed. She is wonderful and I am thankful.

Rereading this post I don't know why I am writing about these incidents. I guess it makes me feel better it's out there and no one can hold it against me. This is who I am and lately I have become much better at not only accepting but loving myself. So there it is, I hope I encouraged someone else to feel a little better about their own dirty laundry.

I Don't Want To Talk About It

But, I know I have to. Here goes, minimal tears please my ducts are in overdrive.

Sunday: Prep for parents leaving on vacation, I will be home with my brother [15] Booger [yes real life nick-name] for 6 days [Tuesday-Monday].

Monday: 7 year old yellow lab acting weird, mom worried and step dad sugar coating they go to the vet. 2 hours later he has cancer in his brain 6 months - 6 year life span [so informative]. Late at night, my gut is sick I know something is not right.

Tuesday Morning: 4am wake up call, parents leave for thousands of miles away. Everything is fine. Administer medicine to yellow lab, he is fine.

Tuesday Afternoon: Everything is fine.

Tuesday Night: Yellow lab begins seizing, once and my step sister comes 20 minutes he seems okay. Say goodbye to sister. Pick Booger up from track, step sister returns to stay with dog. More seizures, harder and more violent. Call mom, talk about it, call vet who gives us 2 choices dog lives and seizes all night until he dies or we put him down. A lot of think, during which he seizes more he wakes up and is paralyzed. Decision made, I say goodbye so does Booger. Step Sister and her Husband take him.

Now [Wednesday Night]: Nothing has ever been so hard in my life. I feel like a murder. I feel like a failure. Looking at his bed is silent torture, but leaving it down is good for his brother. Did I mention we also own his brother [black lab] he and yellow have never been apart. We are all devastated. I never felt so much pain.

To my Bailey:

I love you buddy, you were one of my favorite dogs. I remember you and Booger used to roll around on the floor together and play. You always thought you were a lap dog, at 110lbs you weren't. I want you to know I'm sorry I let them take you, and I know you are in a better place. I promise to help your brother feel better [he misses you] and Booger too. Dad and Mom are lost because they weren't here for you either, I think it was easier for you. So go find Champy and Merecades they are waiting for you. I love you boy.

Meg

Blank Templates

Alas, starring at the blank screen on my Blogger account. No excuses I haven't written I know. I should make excuses, I should write more, after another couple crisises and more sleepless nights. So why haven't I written you may ask? Again I have the ever lasting issue, too many read my Blog at least from my personal life. Honestly I do like it, most of the time.

It's hard though where do I draw the line between spilling my heart, and censoring myself for the sake of my flakey friendships, the endless college drama, and my good hearted girlfriend. I have written about this some many times previous really, however this time I am really feeling it, and it's beginning to hit hard. There are so many things I want to say. I feel like I need to say but at the end of the day, I created this monster (of giving my URL out) and now I have to fix it.

Long story short on my hectic life last night was hard, finals week is fast approaching followed bye too many goodbyes and a hell of alotta tears. No one here is looking forward to it, and everyone is on edge. I have made a couple new friends and sealed a bond that I think is going to last, maybe I will talk about this.

Enter Camera not her real name but she'll figure it out (after I tell her). She's been around over the years never a close friend but always a good source of the latest and greatest. She was willing to listen rather than lecture when my life fell to pieces. She dated A once upon a time and now she is securing her spot in my top 10 (throw back) thank god because life has been a little less dull thanks to this kid.

Camera introduced me to my Kate (name given in relation to the obsession we share with the soon to be princess) she is truly a gift. Kate and I understand each other, we have very similar living situations and I have been able to open up to her lately, more so than I ever have with any new kid in my life. Kate and I spend a lot of time together but what I love about her is the lack of guilt she throws my way if I need a T.O. from life for a day and don't get to hang out. She gets me.

Kate has a large group of friends as well, "The Followers" most I like there are a couple loose ends I could do without but I like them all for one reason or another and they have been nothing but welcoming to me. This feeling of being welcomed really truly is something new to me, looking at my life now I am assured to have a great SENIOR YEAR in school.

Cue the Light Bulb

Sometimes life sends me in weird directions (pretty much always ass backwards), they always pan out slowly and I think they are funny. Today I got more perspective on this, more than ever before I was so STRONG. I don't normally preach lately I see myself doing it more (I'm working on that by the way). Anyway, strength is a funny thing but I am crediting myself today with the most strength I have ever had.

Paths are funny things, ever since I have been at school this year there has been turmoil on my path. I had thought about changing course multiple times but with things good with A, and SC finally happy I figured life was getting better just slowly and I needed to be patient because as good as it has been there is one person it's not been good with, one last loose end.

M sat across from me at lunch, she was talking about me and blatantly criticizing me (ouch). I was sitting there seething. Frankly I was pissed, wicked pissed. The old Meg would have jumped on the opportunity to bitch her out and cause a scene similar to something from Mean Girls (bus and all). But I looked across my table instead and I saw SR+CC then I looked to my left and Ti was there with me, I realized something so huge.

Cue the light bulb, seriously bear with me.

M was spending her lunch worrying about me, and my world. She was so fixated on me that she almost pulled me in to her misery AGAIN. But me? I was spending lunch with my friends and girlfriend. I am happy, there is nothing in my life to worry about for the first time in a long time my life was calm, I am at peace. So why ruin it.

By George I got it, this 21 year old just had the epiphany of the century.

So instead of screaming and yelling, instead of causing a scene, instead of more drama, I ate my pizza (it was good)! Applause for me. Because today I had the strength to move past the hurdles someone constructed. I am unfazed finally. Watch out dark drama filled underworld. This chubbie chick is coming out and NEVER going back.

Lesson #62 - Worry about you.