Beyond My Wildest Dreams

Quick sum up of life this past week; it sucked. My school work began piling up, my ex is a bitch of epic proportion and I lost a few great friends to an arch enemy. All of this being said and more, I ran away this weekend to my home, to my family, to my hidden life in which no one knows my silent suffering from my triumphs. It was a good weekend with a few low lows but I managed to pull myself out and just live, coexist, make that smile appear; because that's what I have always been taught.

Come today I was exhausted, I had a severe case of the Monday bitchy blues and honestly I was miserable to even be around. After class I dragged myself to lunch and saw A, instantly a little more excited we decided to take an adventure; pictures, Starbucks, and a lot of music I was feeling good. We managed to get some food and head back for my night class. To cut a long drawn out story short half way through my class I recieved an email, Confessions had been the chosen editors pick on The Lesbian Lifestyle instant glee, literally. I jumped for joy and a few friends peered over my shoulder to my iPad and noticed what I was looking at they got excited too.

Needless to say I am so excited, completely thrilled, totally emotional, and I did what I do best cried; literally in the middle of my classroom (thank god we were on break). There is truly a lot I would love to say about this feature and what it really means to me instead, I want to thank everyone in my life. The ones who've broken my heart, bullied me, been my friend, supported me, and most importantly the people who have made me who I am today. No seriously, I am thanking all the people who have fucked me over I know what a joke, but it is the truth and frankly I wouldn't be me if it wasn't for them.

All of this has really put life in perspective again, really I was such a grump today and a total bitch. Then all of a sudden again everything changed and I needless to say felt like a total ass for feeling like that. Life is a funny thing and I feel like all the bad luck I have literally found for the past two weeks just got pushed away and all my good karma has checked in FINALLY. To keep this long story just long and not chapters I am going to stop for tonight and celebrate some more, to anyone new who did pop over from TLL thank you for checking me out, come back anytime.

Really everyone thank you so much.

Burnt Bridges

Looking back at my four years at school this morning it hit me, mid tradition, mid song, mid speeches; like a cold hard glacier taking the Titanic. No exceptions, no excuses, no reason good enough I built'em and, I broke them. Fast, slow, drawn out, or quicker then the blink of an eye. There I stood a hundred people around me and there I was screaming internally but completely visible in my face; white as a sheet, scared to death. Three years of damage one year to fix it. What have I done, where do I begin.

It seemed so innocent at first you know, freshman year I am a new person fighting my battles for myself no help from mommy yeah, "I can do this". Sophmore year rolled around and I was "grown" no longer a freshman I was stronger then everyone, better then them because I was me. Junior year destruction, complete demise, total mushroom cloud nothing left. End of junior year I began rebuilding, trying at least. Today; the beginning of senior year, first fucking day and holy shit two semesters, about six months, who first what do I do.

My feelings on the whole subject; no clue. What to do, when to start and how bad is this going to hurt. I don't really care about myself being hurt I am strong, that is one thing I know but these situations are bandaid ripping bad. Opening others old wounds is never easy. There is one; one person whom I need to start with. I know it is hard and yes it's going to hurt. I don't know what I am doing to be honest, and I don't know where to start, hell I don't know where this will finish. All in, balls to the walls, no looking back; I guess so. Time to make a phone call.

Things

I don't really know how to title this post; I can't see it going in any particular direction besides out. Out of my mouth, out of my head, off my shoulders, and onto those who deserve to carry it. My life is crazy; back to school in five days. I am carrying so much emotion five days, until I say my goodbyes, until I see my girlfriend, until I run out of time, until I get my life back. This is it too senior year; time flies. I promise you I will not drag on about wasting time and running out of it yet. Just so much emotion.

I am seeing things in such a new light with this relationship, I don't get worked up, I never get mad or stressed. I wonder if it is her, the one that changed my perspective and put things in order or, am I numb from everything else and actually bottling something getting ready to explode. I think it's both, I know I am bottling, I feel betrayed by someone I truly care about and I don't know how to handle it. I am ready to run, hit the deck, cover my head and prepare for the storm. I am ready to smack her sideways and just scream what the fuck. Yeah I said it, I am proud of it. I promised myself I will handle things with a new class about me, but that doesn't mean I will tolerate lies, tons of lies.

On the topic of lies, lets go right into rumors. I honestly am prepared for the worst with TSwift I know it will hurt and that's okay, but I am scared of how I will react. I need to be classy, I won't throw everything away on a lie, but I can't help but feel protective, I can't help but want to shield her. It's college, all women's college.

My mother is getting antsy as well, knowing I am going back, knowing this is her last year of control. I want to come out (again), I want to be the person I portray but that is easier said then down. Everything is on the line, my life, family, and money a lot of money. To date I wonder what is the right choice to blurt it out and run, or to wait. I don't want to lose my family, but I will. I am terrified that I will lose them forever and without them I am nothing but a memory to them, another name unspoken.

Like I said too much emotion, too much thought, too much time and yet, never enough.

Playing House

It's been quite a summer to love really, with the ups and downs I have learned a lot and am truly grateful from where I ended up. I started out as someone whom I never want to be again, looking back I was a monster; judgmental, insincere, and vengeful. I have no one to blame for that but myself regardless summer moved on and I finally found myself, in someone else.

I have always rushed through life moving quicker in order to appease everyone around me, I never took time to smell the flowers and just stand in the rain. Life is different now and honestly I don't mind the lulls in my day and even these last two weeks away from my friends. In my last weeks here I do have a lot to look forward too, tonight we are going to my favorite place, a restaurant and lounge that I used to work I love everyone there and my favorite is singing. Tomorrow I start house sitting again, something I do every summer it's fun for me. Two dogs and two cats playing house with me, having a schedule of cleaning, cooking, relaxing, working, and living alone in a non-dorm setting.

In other news I am recovering from tonsillitis, this is my 9th go around and I was informed this time will be my last time because I need to get rid of my tonsils. Scary yes, excited no. Until then though just staying healthy and living life as it comes. Nice and slow.

Standing

I am standing up, standing up for everything I deserve. I am standing up for who I am, standing up for what's right. Mama always told me I am the best daughter she could have, dad's always been so proud. So today, right now, from this point forward I am standing. No more cowardly statements, no more weakness. I am perfect as me, I am proud of myself, I follow my heart, and do what's right for me. I chose not to push down others, I am me and they are them. So today for the first time in as long as I can remember I am choosing to stand.


Camera told me today something no one else has quite yet and it touched me, she said "Meg you're allowed to be angry, you CAN be upset, and it's okay.." I don't know why I thought it wasn't I guess because for the past weeks I have been the one standing up and getting pushed down for my beliefs. Honestly, I am so sick of fighting and so hurt by all the lying and deceit but, I woke up this morning and realized I did nothing wrong. Ti wants to see others and I need to let her make her own bed. TSwift wants to push me away, there's the door kid.

So often I beat myself down for choices I made as a kid, but those choices helped me grow up with the strength I have today. I know I am worth something more then what Ti and I concluded as, and I know she will look back one day and hopefully be happy with what I could give at the time, and as for TSwift I can only hope for the best. I find myself wondering constantly what if I hadn't fought about this, or said that and I see not I shouldn't have to do that because, the one honest thing I know I did was I always stoop up for what I believed in just like momma said.

I don't wish the worst for Ti, I knew the day we started dating she would break my heart into a million and one tiny fragments and she did. Does it suck being lied to; yes. Does it suck being cheated on; absolutely. Does it hurt to know there is no more between us; without a doubt. But one day I will be a little stronger, one day soon I will know TSwift will regret losing our friendship and Ti will miss the way I loved her.

Until then some love notes-

TSwift,
Words can not explain the way you have made me feel in the past year, I hope you know that I always cared about you and would never separated you and Domestic Partner. One day you will grow up and realize you are worth more than what either of us could give you, and hopefully find peace. I was listening to Stay Beautiful the other day and I realized that the song is song perfect for us I don't know I ever realized it before. So in closing- "You're beautiful, every little piece love and don't you know your really gonna be someone? Ask anyone. So when you find everything you're looking for, I hope that life leads you back to my front door, oh but if it don't stay beautiful.."

Ti,
In the past months you have honestly showed me the best and worst of what love really is. Looking back I can promise you I will cherish both the good and bad times between us, you taught me so much. I know deep down I will never forgive you for the break up text messages and cheating on our love (I wont even say me because I guess your feelings for me were questionable throughout the last moth) but I know one day I will see this heartbreak for the better. You have opened the door for me to become a greater person than I ever realized I was and for that I am eternally grateful. I wish for nothing but the best for you but as I have learned karma is a bitch, watch your back. Life is a up hill race Ti and one day I know you will see that you have to learn to walk up the hills rather then just drop out of the race.

My Explanation

Yeah I fucked you over, I am well aware of everything I did to you. I ran you over with my emotional instability however, in my own defense I warned you. Let me explain.

There was this girl, I knew her sister.
She walked in on my class meeting.
Our eyes met, I knew.
She tried to talk to me.
Her sister fucked us over.
I reached out months later.
Some flirting.
A couple of kisses.
A whole lot of cute gestures.
I choose a different freshman.
She forgives.
Doesn't forget.
Drunken night.
Disastrous fight (my fault).
I told her I wasn't ready.
She stuck around.
I hurt her really bad.
No talking.
One night of a lot of drunken texts.
Blame laid.
I told her she knew she had it coming.
Months later we talk.
Things calm.
She still puts up with me.
I still text her.
She gives me chances.
I don't deserve them.
Finally we arrive.
April 26th 2011.
Timing sucks.
What the fuck?
She writes about me on her blog.
I finally tell the truth.

Lines get crossed everyday. Why do I text her, I don't know. Does she not know me still, or are all these second chances worth something more. So many mind games. Are there ever going to answers. Should we be talking. I hurt her bad. She pisses me off. We are completely opposite. Oh and I have a girlfriend. Where does this vicious cycle ever end? Will she ever get the diaster I am everyday. Who do I pick, why should I have to pick. Ti picks me, I love her. This girl doesn't know. Frankly I don't know if I can be friends.

Trying hard.

State of the Chubbie?

Today is my little college's State of the College speech, where all of the faculty and staff gather with some super nosey students to hear what is in our school's future. I left it was a little much to handle, but this is my (I'm a little sad to admit) one hundredth post. I really want to add some things some things to my blog, first and foremost a blog roll my hesitation is this, I don't consistently read a lot of blogs. I am a grazer more or less and kinda knit pick off my Google Feed and what stands out to me. That being said I have several blogs I seem to always go back to.

Besides that I would really like to leave the ground work open to whatever you guys are really into, I will literally take any suggestion you give under serious thought. Also my layout on this blog is something that always drives me nuts, is it organized enough? I am eagerly awaiting any tips!

CCL #66 - Be open to new ideas you might be surprised.

Block Button?

I don't vent often but..
Leaving my blog open publicly was a choice I made with EXTREME caution. Days like today I regret it, but then I remember one thing: my writing. You can take people's ideas, their thought, twist and morph them so you look original but you can't take my writing, you wont ever be able to formulate thoughts like mine. I am original. After this entry I wont care.

I wish I knew then (Summer '09) what I know today, I would have been more okay. But I didn't and hindsight is twenty - twenty. I can finally look back and say, I win. I can look at you and your fake attitude and know you aren't okay and laugh (on the inside).

My blog was supposed to be my diary, the lessons were going to be for my readers but in all honesty they are my biggest learning lessons yet. On June 1st I wrote a lesson - "I am stronger because of the tears. " I am smarter than I think, but I am stronger as well. Without these terrible people who have crossed my path I would not be this strong.

In 2009 if I had a blog I would have bitched said two-faced idiot out but today I just continue on my path. I know karma will come around, I know I am better off. So continue to take my ideas, it just means I am doing something right.

So today I am going to take a moment of silence for these people, and pray for them Karma hurts and I know no one else can pray for them (she is pretty well hated around these parts). After this post I will unblock the block I just placed on you a few minutes ago because I  never want to stoop to your level again.

Lesson # 61 - There is a right way and a wrong way in life, I'm pretty sure I made a good choice that summer.

The Brain and The Spine: My Dilemma

Okay so I am faced with another eternal battle, one that is bothering me to the point of dizziness. I'm bringing it to my blog, maybe writing about it can help me clear my head.

The Dilemma: A is back, now if you are new to my blog I will refer you to the many posts in the past few months concerning her, if you're to lazy to look them long story short she was my best friend, our relationship was one of a brain and a spine without one the other didn't work. She left me high and dry one night, I was blind sided and frankly I know that the endless ramblings of a victim are boring and whinny however I am in this case; the victim. Ending this story before I get emotional within two weeks we weren't speaking I don't to this day know what happened, maybe because I was continuously blown off by her after the fact. The skinny is I am bitter, angry, in need of closure, and really overly emotional about the whole thing. 

A is the only person who has really ever truly broken my heart close to the point of no return but, I have survived so far.

The Cause of my Dismay: This morning I had a three hour delay at my school, meaning my only class was canceled. After getting up, having coffee, and something to eat, I worked on my math homework and received the following text COMPLETELY unexpectedly:

"Hey there! We should get together this week sometime to chat about life!?"

I have yet to respond I feel like I need to be careful and think through my response first, Impulsive Meghan had some nasty yet very honest comments. I'll keep those to myself for now.

My Thought Process: Oh A you know me better than my own mother and father, when you broke my heart and our friendship you caused permanent damage. My life is calming down, I am happy is that why you chose to come back now? I heard about the military, that's nice. So you decided to text me huh? I wonder if I agree to see you if I'll get blown off by you, like before. Maybe you think this is funny, the way you can chose when you want to puppeteer my life. I see right through you, I hope you know to this day I can tell what you're thinking when I see you, I can read between the lines of your blog and text messages. 

So what should I respond to you, frankly I would like to say FUCK YOU but as much as I want to, it won't make me feel better and you probably could give two shits. Then I was also thinking about just asking you if karma kicked in yet, if not it will, just wait. No matter what though, I love you. At one point you were the only stable friendship I ever had. Looking back you might still be. I do wonder if all this stems back to us never fighting. Yeah, I am that person who still lays in bed at night and wonders what the hell happened.

I need closure, I want to feel better. You want, well what the hell do you want from me. I don't know if  I could ever have a healthy friendship with you again, I am (as much as I don't want to admit it) willing to try. How sad right? Poor pathetic Meg wants you back, but will you take me, ha ha once again the ball is in your court. Don't screw me over. I can't take another blow like you delivered before.

Chubbie Chick Lesson #55 - Life is what you make it, the choices you make about life are the details to your story, the titles are the people, and the pictures are the memories.