Over It

Lately I have been in this weird mood, the kind that when I hear the right song it changes my whole direction. TSwift and I have been good, I feel like we are finally finding the delicate balance of being together without being together all the time. I have grown my own two legs once again and walk with my own to feet, though I miss my recently loss friends I am relying on my "everything happens for a reason" motto and hoping that I will be better off one day. Like my unemotional mother said "well just one more person that you won't have to say goodbye too.." she might actually be right cut my loses early and just focus on the big decisions.

Drumroll this kid got accepted into grad school, first choice just saying. I have yet to make any big decisions in fact I get sick thinking about it. I'm really scared to leave my small pond, admittedly I am a big fish and I'm starting to feel like it is more of a blessing then I ever thought before. Truth is I really do love my big hearted, and large mouth personality. For those of you who don't know me I am the girl who is louder then most, comes off a bit too much to handle, but makes you feel at home within a large group of strangers. You love me or hate me in our first conversation, some call it a personality however I know it is my biggest defense mechanism, it keeps the fakes away, or well some of them.

I wish there was day that I could look in the mirror and say to myself you are safe and secure, everything is perfect. I can't on any day but what I can say is I am everything that I want to be, I am everything I need to be, and I am doing the best I can.

End of story.

Beyond My Wildest Dreams

Quick sum up of life this past week; it sucked. My school work began piling up, my ex is a bitch of epic proportion and I lost a few great friends to an arch enemy. All of this being said and more, I ran away this weekend to my home, to my family, to my hidden life in which no one knows my silent suffering from my triumphs. It was a good weekend with a few low lows but I managed to pull myself out and just live, coexist, make that smile appear; because that's what I have always been taught.

Come today I was exhausted, I had a severe case of the Monday bitchy blues and honestly I was miserable to even be around. After class I dragged myself to lunch and saw A, instantly a little more excited we decided to take an adventure; pictures, Starbucks, and a lot of music I was feeling good. We managed to get some food and head back for my night class. To cut a long drawn out story short half way through my class I recieved an email, Confessions had been the chosen editors pick on The Lesbian Lifestyle instant glee, literally. I jumped for joy and a few friends peered over my shoulder to my iPad and noticed what I was looking at they got excited too.

Needless to say I am so excited, completely thrilled, totally emotional, and I did what I do best cried; literally in the middle of my classroom (thank god we were on break). There is truly a lot I would love to say about this feature and what it really means to me instead, I want to thank everyone in my life. The ones who've broken my heart, bullied me, been my friend, supported me, and most importantly the people who have made me who I am today. No seriously, I am thanking all the people who have fucked me over I know what a joke, but it is the truth and frankly I wouldn't be me if it wasn't for them.

All of this has really put life in perspective again, really I was such a grump today and a total bitch. Then all of a sudden again everything changed and I needless to say felt like a total ass for feeling like that. Life is a funny thing and I feel like all the bad luck I have literally found for the past two weeks just got pushed away and all my good karma has checked in FINALLY. To keep this long story just long and not chapters I am going to stop for tonight and celebrate some more, to anyone new who did pop over from TLL thank you for checking me out, come back anytime.

Really everyone thank you so much.

Burnt Bridges

Looking back at my four years at school this morning it hit me, mid tradition, mid song, mid speeches; like a cold hard glacier taking the Titanic. No exceptions, no excuses, no reason good enough I built'em and, I broke them. Fast, slow, drawn out, or quicker then the blink of an eye. There I stood a hundred people around me and there I was screaming internally but completely visible in my face; white as a sheet, scared to death. Three years of damage one year to fix it. What have I done, where do I begin.

It seemed so innocent at first you know, freshman year I am a new person fighting my battles for myself no help from mommy yeah, "I can do this". Sophmore year rolled around and I was "grown" no longer a freshman I was stronger then everyone, better then them because I was me. Junior year destruction, complete demise, total mushroom cloud nothing left. End of junior year I began rebuilding, trying at least. Today; the beginning of senior year, first fucking day and holy shit two semesters, about six months, who first what do I do.

My feelings on the whole subject; no clue. What to do, when to start and how bad is this going to hurt. I don't really care about myself being hurt I am strong, that is one thing I know but these situations are bandaid ripping bad. Opening others old wounds is never easy. There is one; one person whom I need to start with. I know it is hard and yes it's going to hurt. I don't know what I am doing to be honest, and I don't know where to start, hell I don't know where this will finish. All in, balls to the walls, no looking back; I guess so. Time to make a phone call.

I Hate.. You

You my friend, are a liar. Have you kept track of everything you have lied about, probably not but I remember. New friends are fun for a few months but I don't forget all the shit you said about her, when her life spiraled. Good luck in the future because I will be as fake to you as you are to everyone else. I hope you genuinely get hit with a hard dose of karma, legit get ready.

I hate liars. I hate them with a burning passion. Be upfront and straight or don't be anything. Stand up for what's right but don't intentionally start a fight. I am pissed, beyond pissed I am disappointed. Good luck in the future; you will soon figure out it's you I am talking to. You aren't even worth a phone call to let you know. I hope our friendship falls apart in the same way your life has and will. Get your shit together, I told you once I wont be fucked over again, so before you do I'm out.

Have a good life.

Almost

Can we just all take one moment tonight to acknowledge the multiple mistakes I made the past year. I am currently doing that terrible thing some people call thinking and this is what's on my mind- free flow starting now:

I f*ck!d things up with you a long time ago and to date I live with the consequences, you are my greatest learning lesson, the one that got away, and most importantly the person who can see past the thick skin I portray. I should have never thought I was better than anyone, mainly you. I have learned while my mom taught me different, it's okay to open up and express how you feel. Shocker another lesson learned too late.

You are going to read this, hopefully not tonight and you should know I am crying, shaking, miserable it finally hit- the pain I have caused you and the damage I do by not admitting what I am feeling. The doctor told me a long time ago not to bottle, who listens to doctors though right? I'm in deep this time, all the songs, smells, hobbies, and even this blog reminds me off you and what I have lost. All because of one mistake, a major learning lesson, potentially a regret, and mainly the source of 9 months worth of misery all coming down to now because after all August marks a year since i reached out to you, trying to do the right thing, September marks a first kiss, and October marks the downward spirals our lives turned into post our week long almost. Because that's exactly what this will always be; almost.

Back to reality- if you know me don't read into this, if it doesn't shout your name it's not for you, and mainly if you finger point then you are probably too nosey for me to care but I will because mistakes change people, good bad or indifferent I am changed.

Standing

I am standing up, standing up for everything I deserve. I am standing up for who I am, standing up for what's right. Mama always told me I am the best daughter she could have, dad's always been so proud. So today, right now, from this point forward I am standing. No more cowardly statements, no more weakness. I am perfect as me, I am proud of myself, I follow my heart, and do what's right for me. I chose not to push down others, I am me and they are them. So today for the first time in as long as I can remember I am choosing to stand.


Camera told me today something no one else has quite yet and it touched me, she said "Meg you're allowed to be angry, you CAN be upset, and it's okay.." I don't know why I thought it wasn't I guess because for the past weeks I have been the one standing up and getting pushed down for my beliefs. Honestly, I am so sick of fighting and so hurt by all the lying and deceit but, I woke up this morning and realized I did nothing wrong. Ti wants to see others and I need to let her make her own bed. TSwift wants to push me away, there's the door kid.

So often I beat myself down for choices I made as a kid, but those choices helped me grow up with the strength I have today. I know I am worth something more then what Ti and I concluded as, and I know she will look back one day and hopefully be happy with what I could give at the time, and as for TSwift I can only hope for the best. I find myself wondering constantly what if I hadn't fought about this, or said that and I see not I shouldn't have to do that because, the one honest thing I know I did was I always stoop up for what I believed in just like momma said.

I don't wish the worst for Ti, I knew the day we started dating she would break my heart into a million and one tiny fragments and she did. Does it suck being lied to; yes. Does it suck being cheated on; absolutely. Does it hurt to know there is no more between us; without a doubt. But one day I will be a little stronger, one day soon I will know TSwift will regret losing our friendship and Ti will miss the way I loved her.

Until then some love notes-

TSwift,
Words can not explain the way you have made me feel in the past year, I hope you know that I always cared about you and would never separated you and Domestic Partner. One day you will grow up and realize you are worth more than what either of us could give you, and hopefully find peace. I was listening to Stay Beautiful the other day and I realized that the song is song perfect for us I don't know I ever realized it before. So in closing- "You're beautiful, every little piece love and don't you know your really gonna be someone? Ask anyone. So when you find everything you're looking for, I hope that life leads you back to my front door, oh but if it don't stay beautiful.."

Ti,
In the past months you have honestly showed me the best and worst of what love really is. Looking back I can promise you I will cherish both the good and bad times between us, you taught me so much. I know deep down I will never forgive you for the break up text messages and cheating on our love (I wont even say me because I guess your feelings for me were questionable throughout the last moth) but I know one day I will see this heartbreak for the better. You have opened the door for me to become a greater person than I ever realized I was and for that I am eternally grateful. I wish for nothing but the best for you but as I have learned karma is a bitch, watch your back. Life is a up hill race Ti and one day I know you will see that you have to learn to walk up the hills rather then just drop out of the race.

Finding My Strength

After the greatest weekend, my love life down shifted to straight hell last night. Frankly I would love to write about it, tell you all my frustrations, worries, concerns, and temptations but I can not. I have chosen to censor myself on account of many things but mostly I don't want to hear gripe from anyone on my side and how I feel (even though this is my Blog and I think it is ridiculous). Instead of all this I will tell you about my strengths because I need to stop harping on my faults.

Life is hard, I do not want anyone to think that I do not know this but my life this summer is becoming harder than anything I have ever faced. I have many friends, good and true but they are far away and I can't help but feel guilty calling them to cry and whine because deep down I know they are struggling too. I guess this would be my first strength; being alone and coping. It has always been a struggle for me to be all alone, I am a people person and feel alone mostly when there are no people around.

The hardest has been Ti, I love her I truly do but she has worn me down, and the only powerful feelings I have anymore are resentment. I don't want to loose her but I don't know if the humans we are, are the same as humans we were. Part of me wants to scream at her and beg for our old love back, the other wants to run in the opposite direction from all the pain she has cause. The pain is the worst, truly the pain is almost unbearable. But beyond the pain there is deceit and I always said I would not date a lier, I would not date anyone who could be honest; however, I am. Ti in the past week has done both and instead of swiftly kicking her to the curb I find myself begging her to stay. I am calling this my second strength, because I truly don't know how I deal with half this shit.

Staying off topic- I guess I need to get all of this out. I love her, god damn do I love Ti if I didn't then why would be here still. But half the time I need to find a way out and the other half I need her. Why can't I let go of this painful cycle, I want happiness and I want love neither of which I can figure out. I have tried talking to her I really have and I am at such a great loss, I think it's time to cut ties and figure out if I can break even- but I can't let go.

I Don't Want To Talk About It

But, I know I have to. Here goes, minimal tears please my ducts are in overdrive.

Sunday: Prep for parents leaving on vacation, I will be home with my brother [15] Booger [yes real life nick-name] for 6 days [Tuesday-Monday].

Monday: 7 year old yellow lab acting weird, mom worried and step dad sugar coating they go to the vet. 2 hours later he has cancer in his brain 6 months - 6 year life span [so informative]. Late at night, my gut is sick I know something is not right.

Tuesday Morning: 4am wake up call, parents leave for thousands of miles away. Everything is fine. Administer medicine to yellow lab, he is fine.

Tuesday Afternoon: Everything is fine.

Tuesday Night: Yellow lab begins seizing, once and my step sister comes 20 minutes he seems okay. Say goodbye to sister. Pick Booger up from track, step sister returns to stay with dog. More seizures, harder and more violent. Call mom, talk about it, call vet who gives us 2 choices dog lives and seizes all night until he dies or we put him down. A lot of think, during which he seizes more he wakes up and is paralyzed. Decision made, I say goodbye so does Booger. Step Sister and her Husband take him.

Now [Wednesday Night]: Nothing has ever been so hard in my life. I feel like a murder. I feel like a failure. Looking at his bed is silent torture, but leaving it down is good for his brother. Did I mention we also own his brother [black lab] he and yellow have never been apart. We are all devastated. I never felt so much pain.

To my Bailey:

I love you buddy, you were one of my favorite dogs. I remember you and Booger used to roll around on the floor together and play. You always thought you were a lap dog, at 110lbs you weren't. I want you to know I'm sorry I let them take you, and I know you are in a better place. I promise to help your brother feel better [he misses you] and Booger too. Dad and Mom are lost because they weren't here for you either, I think it was easier for you. So go find Champy and Merecades they are waiting for you. I love you boy.

Meg

The Brain and The Spine: My Dilemma

Okay so I am faced with another eternal battle, one that is bothering me to the point of dizziness. I'm bringing it to my blog, maybe writing about it can help me clear my head.

The Dilemma: A is back, now if you are new to my blog I will refer you to the many posts in the past few months concerning her, if you're to lazy to look them long story short she was my best friend, our relationship was one of a brain and a spine without one the other didn't work. She left me high and dry one night, I was blind sided and frankly I know that the endless ramblings of a victim are boring and whinny however I am in this case; the victim. Ending this story before I get emotional within two weeks we weren't speaking I don't to this day know what happened, maybe because I was continuously blown off by her after the fact. The skinny is I am bitter, angry, in need of closure, and really overly emotional about the whole thing. 

A is the only person who has really ever truly broken my heart close to the point of no return but, I have survived so far.

The Cause of my Dismay: This morning I had a three hour delay at my school, meaning my only class was canceled. After getting up, having coffee, and something to eat, I worked on my math homework and received the following text COMPLETELY unexpectedly:

"Hey there! We should get together this week sometime to chat about life!?"

I have yet to respond I feel like I need to be careful and think through my response first, Impulsive Meghan had some nasty yet very honest comments. I'll keep those to myself for now.

My Thought Process: Oh A you know me better than my own mother and father, when you broke my heart and our friendship you caused permanent damage. My life is calming down, I am happy is that why you chose to come back now? I heard about the military, that's nice. So you decided to text me huh? I wonder if I agree to see you if I'll get blown off by you, like before. Maybe you think this is funny, the way you can chose when you want to puppeteer my life. I see right through you, I hope you know to this day I can tell what you're thinking when I see you, I can read between the lines of your blog and text messages. 

So what should I respond to you, frankly I would like to say FUCK YOU but as much as I want to, it won't make me feel better and you probably could give two shits. Then I was also thinking about just asking you if karma kicked in yet, if not it will, just wait. No matter what though, I love you. At one point you were the only stable friendship I ever had. Looking back you might still be. I do wonder if all this stems back to us never fighting. Yeah, I am that person who still lays in bed at night and wonders what the hell happened.

I need closure, I want to feel better. You want, well what the hell do you want from me. I don't know if  I could ever have a healthy friendship with you again, I am (as much as I don't want to admit it) willing to try. How sad right? Poor pathetic Meg wants you back, but will you take me, ha ha once again the ball is in your court. Don't screw me over. I can't take another blow like you delivered before.

Chubbie Chick Lesson #55 - Life is what you make it, the choices you make about life are the details to your story, the titles are the people, and the pictures are the memories.

Annoyance & Sweet Sunburn

Let me first start off by saying I had the most amazing weekend with S, she came to my home met my family, everything was perfect. We spent the weekend on the boat, tubing and swimming, what I like to call loving life. But as do all good things the weekend ended, S went home yesterday and it's back to the real world for me. Tuesday thank god were only 4 days away, but today Tuesday it's raining, I'm sitting in the Lesbian Erotica section watching the rain fall from the clouds it's only 70 degrees a dramatic change from the 90 degree weather we had only a day or so ago. Reality I hate you. So why you might think did I title this entry Annoyance well let me just tell you:

Remember the time I first mentioned S, well in that story I mention the guy before her the one that broke me. His name we will simply shorten to J and he is easily the most cunning and charming guy I have ever met. Our relationship started when I was young in about 6th grade he is two years older than me and we met in our schools ski club. J got really ballsy one day and told me he would cream me in a race around the mountain, that was his first mistake. I beat him naturally and met him at the bottom with some attitude and intense gloating. It seemed to be fate, from that day forward J and I became the best of friends and more as well, we dated and had plenty of flings to amount to a common law marriage. However I went to college and he did not, my freshman year he entangled himself in extremely sketchy business with under aged girls and that summer when I returned from my freshman year, he proposed. I said no. For me that is just a small piece of the laughs and tears I shed over J, he was the boy, guy, man who brake me and shattered my spirit. He was the one to show me there are no complete happy endings. J killed me a little.

So now I am sitting here, in the Lesbian section of B&N working on my blog when he like always FB chats with me, asking me why I didn't allow him to hang out with me this weekend, prying into my life the only way he knows how. The answer to all of his harassment seems simple block him from FB, block his number from my phone, and ignore his existence. But how can I do that how can I just pretend that all of this never happened; I can not. Looking around me at the books I'm surrounded by I find it ironic, and some what saddening, it is the in my face reminder of what I went through almost a year ago. The following words are what I wish I could say to him this instance, to tell him what he has done, burn his bridge, and free myself but I won't not now and not ever.

You are a selfish bastard to have taken my livelihood from me. Don't sit there and look stupefied you know exactly what I'm talking about and you know what you did to me. You crushed me, broke me, shattered my heart. I cried rivers of tears over you and I shouldn't have shed even one. Rot in hell, because that's where you put me for 6 months. You took my prom away from me when you said your knee hurt, but you danced with all of those other girls. You knew I loved you, you knew you were the one who brightened my life day after day. I know know your flirting was bull shit, you should have never pushed me off the bench. I hope you know no one will ever hate you with such passion the way I do, other than the mother and father of that little girl you flirted a little too much with. I hope you know my mother may think you're perfect but I do not. I hope you know the broken road you left me on lead me to someone who will protect me from you, and love me for me. I hope you go to hell. I hope you know that these are the last words I will ever say to you, and these are the last thoughts I will think of you, and when I'm gone you will have no one left to play with. I am not your puppet, and I never was. You are a fool. You are a pervert. You are an asshole. You are dead to me.

So there it is my annoyance and hurt, that is what I wish daily to say and I never will. I hope you all find the strength in yourselves to stand up to that person who hurt you.

Chubbie Chick Lesson #15- I am stronger and it's because of the tears.

It's not goodbye, it's see you later.

What a day, I'm home now two hours away from where I belong and where I SHOULD be. I miss S I miss her so god damn much I feel empty. Two weeks until I see her again, mean while I will be playing a single hetero girl on the prowl. I can't keep this act up. She is everything to me, I sleep with her every night except tonight of course. When I wake up she isn't going to be here, today I was strong for her but tomorrow I'm not so sure I will be able to stay strong. I remind myself that it's better this way but is it? Leaving the love of my life to please my mother well that is just another example of me not being able to stand up to her, all at S's expense. I feel so sick, so lost, I'm hurting, and worst of all I can't even tell my mother I love her. S is everything to me, I always kid with her and tell her I'm going to marry her; well she thinks I'm kidding however, I'm not. I want to spend everyday with her from now until my next life. She has stopped texting me for the night this means she's asleep, thank god. I really hope she is sleeping, she has to work at 8am tomorrow and needs to be rested, gosh I told her I was okay but I'm such a liar I am not okay I miss her.

Chubbie Chick Lesson #12- The saying parting is such sweet sorrow doesn't even begin to describe the pit in your stomach when you leave the one you love.

Missing her,