Standing

I am standing up, standing up for everything I deserve. I am standing up for who I am, standing up for what's right. Mama always told me I am the best daughter she could have, dad's always been so proud. So today, right now, from this point forward I am standing. No more cowardly statements, no more weakness. I am perfect as me, I am proud of myself, I follow my heart, and do what's right for me. I chose not to push down others, I am me and they are them. So today for the first time in as long as I can remember I am choosing to stand.


Camera told me today something no one else has quite yet and it touched me, she said "Meg you're allowed to be angry, you CAN be upset, and it's okay.." I don't know why I thought it wasn't I guess because for the past weeks I have been the one standing up and getting pushed down for my beliefs. Honestly, I am so sick of fighting and so hurt by all the lying and deceit but, I woke up this morning and realized I did nothing wrong. Ti wants to see others and I need to let her make her own bed. TSwift wants to push me away, there's the door kid.

So often I beat myself down for choices I made as a kid, but those choices helped me grow up with the strength I have today. I know I am worth something more then what Ti and I concluded as, and I know she will look back one day and hopefully be happy with what I could give at the time, and as for TSwift I can only hope for the best. I find myself wondering constantly what if I hadn't fought about this, or said that and I see not I shouldn't have to do that because, the one honest thing I know I did was I always stoop up for what I believed in just like momma said.

I don't wish the worst for Ti, I knew the day we started dating she would break my heart into a million and one tiny fragments and she did. Does it suck being lied to; yes. Does it suck being cheated on; absolutely. Does it hurt to know there is no more between us; without a doubt. But one day I will be a little stronger, one day soon I will know TSwift will regret losing our friendship and Ti will miss the way I loved her.

Until then some love notes-

TSwift,
Words can not explain the way you have made me feel in the past year, I hope you know that I always cared about you and would never separated you and Domestic Partner. One day you will grow up and realize you are worth more than what either of us could give you, and hopefully find peace. I was listening to Stay Beautiful the other day and I realized that the song is song perfect for us I don't know I ever realized it before. So in closing- "You're beautiful, every little piece love and don't you know your really gonna be someone? Ask anyone. So when you find everything you're looking for, I hope that life leads you back to my front door, oh but if it don't stay beautiful.."

Ti,
In the past months you have honestly showed me the best and worst of what love really is. Looking back I can promise you I will cherish both the good and bad times between us, you taught me so much. I know deep down I will never forgive you for the break up text messages and cheating on our love (I wont even say me because I guess your feelings for me were questionable throughout the last moth) but I know one day I will see this heartbreak for the better. You have opened the door for me to become a greater person than I ever realized I was and for that I am eternally grateful. I wish for nothing but the best for you but as I have learned karma is a bitch, watch your back. Life is a up hill race Ti and one day I know you will see that you have to learn to walk up the hills rather then just drop out of the race.

Rolling in the Deep

Without my best friend skies have been pretty grey lately, A calls weekly from bootcamp she loves it and sounds really good. Last night was my breaking point, I miss our daily motions through life if that makes sense. Having someone at your disposal daily is really refreshing and when that is taken it really sucks. I am becoming more depressed these days, working out gets me through some days others I just keep pushing through because that is what A would want. Having her back in a few weeks at least by phone will be so nice. I don't know why I broke down so badly last night, I am lonely and frankly it hurts more to know other then A everyone is here.

A dear friend told me yesterday that I am only as alone as I make myself, that's about half true. The way I see it I have two "lifers" in this world right now A who is in Texas and SC who has so many things going on, I feel guilty dumping my life on her shoulders.

My relationship with Ti is anything but stable these days, between work and school she is running out of steam quick, I want to help her but there is nothing I can do, not only is it frustrating but it stresses me out so much I can't sleep. Watching her life spiral out of control reminds me of the ever so familiar decent I took only 8 months ago. I feel myself loosing control slowly as well, I know I am being effed over by a certain someone, let's just save that for another day.

Life is tough, I own a helmet but I am in the market for a full body suit.

Trust Issues

I have them, I am not shy and frankly everyone has a trust issue to a degree. Where do your's stem from? Mine, HA there isn't enough hours in a year for me to tell you the issues I have with trust. This is a hard post because it is very personal, I have these two friends (they will remain completely anonymous) I am watching them and their relationship fall apart, why? Trust. I have seen in the past two weeks something I don't know if I ever noticed before, it's simple really without trust there is nothing it's so hard for me to watch my two friends, they are the two people I have time after time said were soul mates after all.

I love them, they have their faults yes but they are perfect in my eyes for each other well, they were. I'm not sure anymore. It just completely got me thinking about it all, I am in a new relationship too will I change? Will my girlfriend change? No one is perfect, and it's a scary world out there so where do you draw the lines of your relationships. How much change is compromise before it turns to something more, when is it not okay to settle anymore, and where do trust and faith stand in your point of view faith in the person not to hurt you and trust in the person that they will be yours fully.

Looking back boy I have been on both sides of the fence, neither side is greener. On one hand, you are constantly changing yourself to fit the person you are with. S and I were like that I became her mom, micro managing her life. But I had no trust with J, he hurt me so badly and lost all my trust and faith, wham bam thank you bye. In my eyes I think when I find the right person I'll just know, I hope.

Until Next Time!

Chubbie Chick Lesson # 57 - Trust fully, be full of faith, and wish for the best.