Kids

Damn kids. You know I can bitch about them, moan they annoy me, and cry because they stress me out; but as I sit here tonight in the wake of my last day with my four kids whom I have grown ever so close too. I feel like a parent, I feel like a friend, and I feel like a dog about saying goodbye to them. Four kids, four little pipsqueaks and teenie boppers changed my life for the better age nine, eleven, and two twelve year old's who would have thought.

A nine year old boy greets me at the door everyday, and in the wake of his newly discovered ADD and a new house, with a newly blended family makes me smile everyday. His brother is twelve and completely brilliant, just doesn't know it. Striving to be cool, but still a goofy kid he has made me laugh the hardest and stressed me out the most. He is going places, no doubt in my mind. Then his sister she is eleven, growing up for her hasn't been easy but is it for any girl, finding comfort in acting and drama she has truly figured out what it take to put a smile on and internalize; just like me. Then there is my girl, twelve years old and three new siblings and a new step mom has turned her world upside down. Plus boys, the teen years, and an alcoholic mother back in the picture a break down looming around the corner; she is a remarkable kid.

Do you see what I mean, these kids are different yeah they have issues, yeah they aren't always the best behaved, but they are doing the best they can with what they have and I have never seen kids pushed more to the limit then them, and handle it so well. Bottom line is at twenty one years old I can only wish that one day I am half the woman that these kids will grow up to be.

Things

I don't really know how to title this post; I can't see it going in any particular direction besides out. Out of my mouth, out of my head, off my shoulders, and onto those who deserve to carry it. My life is crazy; back to school in five days. I am carrying so much emotion five days, until I say my goodbyes, until I see my girlfriend, until I run out of time, until I get my life back. This is it too senior year; time flies. I promise you I will not drag on about wasting time and running out of it yet. Just so much emotion.

I am seeing things in such a new light with this relationship, I don't get worked up, I never get mad or stressed. I wonder if it is her, the one that changed my perspective and put things in order or, am I numb from everything else and actually bottling something getting ready to explode. I think it's both, I know I am bottling, I feel betrayed by someone I truly care about and I don't know how to handle it. I am ready to run, hit the deck, cover my head and prepare for the storm. I am ready to smack her sideways and just scream what the fuck. Yeah I said it, I am proud of it. I promised myself I will handle things with a new class about me, but that doesn't mean I will tolerate lies, tons of lies.

On the topic of lies, lets go right into rumors. I honestly am prepared for the worst with TSwift I know it will hurt and that's okay, but I am scared of how I will react. I need to be classy, I won't throw everything away on a lie, but I can't help but feel protective, I can't help but want to shield her. It's college, all women's college.

My mother is getting antsy as well, knowing I am going back, knowing this is her last year of control. I want to come out (again), I want to be the person I portray but that is easier said then down. Everything is on the line, my life, family, and money a lot of money. To date I wonder what is the right choice to blurt it out and run, or to wait. I don't want to lose my family, but I will. I am terrified that I will lose them forever and without them I am nothing but a memory to them, another name unspoken.

Like I said too much emotion, too much thought, too much time and yet, never enough.

Life According to Beverly Hills

I don't go into my silly rituals that make up my life often but I do have one compulsion I would like to share with you today, every weekend on SOAP net they rerun episodes of my favorite TV Beverly Hills 90210. I will be honest and say I could bear watch the new version on the CW so there is nothing comparative in this post (I don't review- never have, never will).

Okay so 90210 if you haven't watched it you should know it was one of the most scandalous things on nineties television, now it is weak in comparison to the things I watch. Nonetheless it does teach me things every episode, these crazy kids with the world at their hands always go back to the same morals love, family, and friendship. Is it totally lame to most probably, but even now I am sitting here enthralled with how the world was so much simpler then.

Playing House

It's been quite a summer to love really, with the ups and downs I have learned a lot and am truly grateful from where I ended up. I started out as someone whom I never want to be again, looking back I was a monster; judgmental, insincere, and vengeful. I have no one to blame for that but myself regardless summer moved on and I finally found myself, in someone else.

I have always rushed through life moving quicker in order to appease everyone around me, I never took time to smell the flowers and just stand in the rain. Life is different now and honestly I don't mind the lulls in my day and even these last two weeks away from my friends. In my last weeks here I do have a lot to look forward too, tonight we are going to my favorite place, a restaurant and lounge that I used to work I love everyone there and my favorite is singing. Tomorrow I start house sitting again, something I do every summer it's fun for me. Two dogs and two cats playing house with me, having a schedule of cleaning, cooking, relaxing, working, and living alone in a non-dorm setting.

In other news I am recovering from tonsillitis, this is my 9th go around and I was informed this time will be my last time because I need to get rid of my tonsils. Scary yes, excited no. Until then though just staying healthy and living life as it comes. Nice and slow.

Wordless Wednesday

Feeling awesome. Love life.

A Little Walk in the Past

Everyone will be posting tomorrow the wonderful things they have to say about their dads, husbands, baby daddies, and pimps but I unfortunately will not. It would probably come no surprise to all of you that I have daddy issues through my hidden messages, between the lines commentary, and sarcastic snide remarks you probably understand my dad does not deserve father of the year.

My dad is my match, he is a one of a kind kinda man whom it appears I was cloned from. Dad and I had a relationship the would beat even the strongest of competitive bonds. Alas, all good things must come to an end and like you probably for saw my dad fucked up and show his true imperfections when I was at the ripe age of nine. Dad made a series of bad choices those years the can be summed up in less than five words: cheated, beated, fucking retreated. That's right after being caught by my not always perfect mother cheating on her daddy dearest lost his temper a couple of times that lead to restraining orders and really confusing nights. Honestly most of my memories I no longer can recall the doctor says it's repression I call it self preservation, daddy did finally get his shit together but it was a few short years later he screwed it up again.

Dad decided to marry the bitch he cheated on my mother with; she was a young, hot, brunette who apparently had a thing for a fat balding man. Couple of years go by Bitch gets dad all to herself by verbal abuse and finally pushes me to my breaking point. In a heart wrenching moment I cut my ties with my clone and that was that. Until he should back up, claiming a bitchy PMS daughter (me) made her do it, he keeps defending his blushing bride. My dad and I have been rocky ever since, are we close this week; sure. Will we be next week; no clue.

Dad tries to get his shit together I know he does, I know I could have it way worst but none the less it could be better too. Tomorrow I will go fishing with him like he has asked, I know my father wants me around and I am trying to want it too. One day I might tell you more, until then- treasure what you have, learn from what you don't, pray for only what you need.

Happy Father's Day Pops-

Boyfriend

Don't asking what I am doing with my life. I simply have no idea anymore. What I know is there is a guy (wrong sex I am aware) who looks at me like I am Angelina, talks to me like I am a Queen, and makes me laugh like he is Dane Cook. So what am I doing with my life; standing, I am standing up for everything I deserve. I don't know where Boyfriend will take me, I know that I am just happy hoping for the best, preparing for the worst, and ready for anything.

Decisions

I truly hate making decisions. In the past week I have made a great deal frankly, I am concerned about my choices however I am convinced that I had to make 'em and following my heart is what I need to do. As promised Ti wants me back, I am not trying to be cocky but I am great. Okay, okay so there is more to it then being great but regardless she wants me back. I say want because I am not giving in as easily as I think she expected, but I really think this summer apart should be used for the best which is realizing why we love each other, is this something that can last, and if it's really what we want.

Beyond Ti I have made a few other major life choices. I have rejoined the gym and also am working out with Trainer Guy from last summer! He is good for me and kicks my ass, I need to be healthy and happy both of which I haven't been. I have made a new friend as well, it happened so unexpectedly my step brother knows him from the fire department we'll call him Firefighter Guy. He is really great we text non-stop and I think he is a good true friend, and we all know you can't have enough of those.

Substitute Teaching

 Today I am substituting in a local district around the area where I grew up, many of the students I am seeing in my eleventh and twelfth grade classes were freshman while I was a senior at their rival district, wow three years. Looking back three years ago, to be honest I was a different person; I was obsessive about the numbers on a scale, driven to the point of insanity by graduation, and living the moments I miss the most now, on fast forward then because I so desperately wanted to grow up. I made my fair share of mistakes that year, none more so then rushing my last year with 79 of the closest friends I ever had away. I'll never forget on graduation waving goodbye, signing yearbooks, and speeding off into the sunset to the closest grad party that evening. Most of my class I never saw again, some I see now and then but after exchanging pleasantries we realize we are total strangers now and part ways. Maybe all of this is one if the I chose teaching, or maybe it really is "the calling" everyone else says.

I am in a sole searching mood, l feel like I'm beginning to rush again but the difference is I know now how ready I am to begin my life, but as ready as I am I am terrified to begin the search for grad schools and begin answering the major questions that are coming. All of this said I guess I need to slow down a little, and just relax after all this time tomorrow I'll be back at school, with my girlfriend, everything will be right with the world again.

Chubbie Chick Confession #53 - Slow down, enjoy the ride. No regrets.

Oh Brother

I love my brother, I hate my brother. We cry, laugh, argue, and tease each other like it's our job. But no matter what we treasure each other as blood. Spending time with each other doesn't happen much, we are total opposites and his 15 year old schedule gets in the way of my 21 year old night life. Today we are at our favorite coffee shop he is doing whatever on the computer, and I am blogging it's slightly antisocial looking but this is what we do, every few minutes we converse and laugh or make fun of someone standing around us. 

As a child my mom always instilled in me especially that family is forever friends and loves are whenever. It's true, my family has been there for me since I was born and will be until I die, but friends come and go, breakups happen, and the only people you can rely on are the one with the same last names, common features, and same annoying personalities. As the holiday season is happening currently I figure I would give you some out look on the ridiculous family I am so thankful for.

control freak mom

emotional dad

WOW obsessed brother

three year old half sister

perfect and never pleased step mom

touchy feely step dad

the perfect step aunt with skeletons

the step uncle who enjoys his alcohol

douche bag cousin known for his oopsies in college

wanna be perfect cousin her med school career makes her famous

bi polar grandma

perfect grandma

3 pot head cousins

eccentric cousin known for her fashion faux pas

uncle womanizer

uncle twisted tea

step grandpa semi judgmental

saintly aunt going to hell

crazy aunt disowned by her real family

pot head great aunt and uncle

Oh how the list goes on and on..

Chubbie Chick Lesson # 49 - Your roots help you grow.

Realization

Tonight I was out to dinner with my family, and I ran into one of my very close old friends. We said to phrases two each other "hi, how are you" and "it was so good to see you" it was probably one of the most eye opening experiences of my life. She was a stranger, then I looked at my phone June 13th 2010, it was exactly two year ago Friday, June 13th 2008 that I walked out of my high school for the last time as a student, which meant that it was only 2 years ago that me and my long lost friend spent a summer together drinking in the sweet summer, and living by the sun. The next few hours until now I can't get it out of my head, 2 years and what have I done.

There is a lot I can say I have figured out and accomplished these past 2 years. I fell in love with my sole mate, and I grew up quite a lot. I am, deep down incredibly happy and it feels good. High School was rough for me, I had zero self esteem and was pretty much clinically depressed, but I hid it well. Wow, that is the only word that really comes to mind. Two years, it doesn't seem all that long when you say it, but too me it's a while. I think about all those people that I spent thirteen years with, 79 of us and now I might talk to 5 or less, I am having extreme mixed feelings.

So now I am going to stop. No more sad, emotional, and pitiful-ness. On an upbeat note I can see S, this week hopefully :) I am so excited. Well, K and I are going to watch a movie now, I'll post tomorrow!

Chubbie Chick Lesson #22- People from the past can become the people of the future, it will just take so work.

What My Life Has Become-

First off let me say- Abby Sunderland is okay, and recently updated her blog herself saying she is great full for all the out reach and hope for her. From my lack of sailing knowledge I guess a big wave hit her sailboat knocked off the Mast (the pole that holds the sail) and she she like stranded. A french boat came to get her, anyway she is A-OKAY.

Now back to my life; it sucks. My mom and I have had some big fights lately about my views on life and S kinda indirectly. I know I say it like everyday but I miss her so god damn much, it is starting to get harder and harder (don't make that dirty). Other than that we are starting to get along better I need to get back to school soon. I miss my friends have I mentioned all my best friends and S are there and I am hmmm.. here (2 hours from them).

Lately I have found myself becoming awfully grumpy with pretty much everything in the world. I am trying to be more positive but frankly I need a vacation from here. S and I had planned a possible camping trip with our two mutual friends J&S they are so sweet and J really helped out S and I out when I left her.

In other news, there isn't anything gahhhh I am boreddddddddddd :(

Chubbie Chick Lesson #21 - Don't be so friggin' down all the time, buck up kid.

Fairytales and Fantasy

"Once upon a time there was a young girl, this girl feel in love with her best friend. Their love was unexpected and not accepted but it was raw, deep, and never ending. The two young girls were soul mates..they lived happily ever after."

Have any of you ever really considered a gay or lesbian fairytale, with a happy ending similar to Cinderella? I do. Today my younger brother and I were talking about something and he called his friend a faggot (that word is awful, I hate it). It got me thinking how did the two of us become so different growing up the same way, and if only he knew I'm dating a girl. First off he told me once if that ever happened he would hate me forever and I believe him. Anyway back to what I was saying I began wondering what would people's perceptions be if we grew up on those types of fairy tales instead of our own.

Maybe I'm nuts, maybe I have no idea what I'm talking about, but I feel like when you grow up on something you then are not so afraid of it. I don't even know if I am a lesbian but dating S and being on the other side of things has opened my eyes a lot. See my family is one thing but I lost a very close friend over it as well, today she will say it was not the fact I'm dating a chick. But in my heart I know it has everything to do with it and frankly my loss of her this past year hurt more than J or anyone else.

Chubbie Chick Lesson #17- I wish people wouldn't be so afraid.

The only two men in my life.

mr. mague and bailey too :)

chubbie chick lesson #16- dogs are the cure to all bad days.

Shove Off

Have a little faith that I can figure it out all on my own!

101 degrees :)

I've officially gone to hell or well it feels like it, it's 101 degrees here and I am thanking my lucky stars for my central air conditioning :) This week has been kind of slow I haven't done much, I read a book call The Cinderella Deal by my favorite author Jennifer Cruise it was fabulous I loved it so much like all of her books naturally. I have also been working out daily, it feels good to be back in shape (sort of) I am not so tired and am really enjoying to extra boost I feel about myself as my shorts are becoming a little looser! S is also coming on Sunday I am so freaking excited and really nervous too, while I want her to see the me while I'm at home I also am nervous about my parents, I am not out at all I've tired several times and it always back fires on me terribly. Well anyway I am horrible at hiding my chemistry with S so needless to say I could potentially be really screwed. Besides all of that honestly, what I have been doing with most of my time is playing Sims 3, now I know what you're thinking I am not one of those gaming geeks who spends all my time on the computer. Sims 3 is my real destresser I can lose myself and reality in the game a little and worry about someone other then myself, I know it's weird. Well I should go I am thinking about going for another bike ride I had pizza for lunch :( but I will fill you all in tomorrow or the next day, well enjoy the sun!

Chubbie Chick Lesson #14- Don't be ashamed of the little things you do to keep you sane, I'm trying it too :)

Hot & Sunny,

Haha Alittle Easter Egg Humor

My mom sent these to me in a chain email, I immediately decided to post them from you :)

The Week from Hell

I legit just finished the week from flippin' hell, which is realy why I haven't blogged like at all. It was terrible and on otp of it all I had the worst time babysitting yesterday like ever! Any way Happy Easter everyone and I hope you are all enjoying this awesome weather, I love it :) I'm trying to be outside as much as possible to grasp even just a little bit of tan if possible since i'm a poor, pale, white girl, who lately can't afford to fake n' bake :(

So I'm currently out on my deck writing to you, my mom is here too doing her Anatomy homework, she is back in school again gonna be a nurse this time. I'm totally lying to my dad today to get out of Easter Festivities with his fucked up family last year they legit did nothing and stay around playing video games WASTE OF TIME. They are all weird and freaks believe me, I'm not missing out.

Ugh I'm grumpy and bored I want to be back at school doing something or being with S, I miss her even though I don't show it well. Maybe I will get in the hot tub or something who knows, I feel like it's going to be one of those days. Maybe I'll blog later I can't be sure.

Adios- meg.

Chubbie Chick Lesson # 7 - The appple doesn't always fall close to the tree, in this case the apple is two miles from the tree.

Sandy the Dog

Good Morning (at 8 flippin' am)

So let me tell you quickly about my wake up this morning. Climbed into bed last night at about roughly 2am and had a thought "tomorrow is my last day of spring break I want to sleep in" so assuming everyone just let me sleep in like any other day I'd be totally fine, everyone except Sandy. Haha It was nice thought until about 7:30am when my mother came flying in my room at high speed yelling about how my dog ran away. No worries my brother caught her about 5 minutess later! Needless to say I'm exhausted, can't fall back asleep, and Sandy is currently at my feet snoring.. Welcome to my life.

An introduction: Sandy the Dog, she was a rescue we took in when I was like 11 or 12. She is a god dog and loves to run. She enjoys beef stew, and peanut butter cookies not mixed together!

Chubbie Chick Lesson #1- when you assume something you make an ASS (out of) U (and) ME!

Until something else happens,
meg (: