Things

I don't really know how to title this post; I can't see it going in any particular direction besides out. Out of my mouth, out of my head, off my shoulders, and onto those who deserve to carry it. My life is crazy; back to school in five days. I am carrying so much emotion five days, until I say my goodbyes, until I see my girlfriend, until I run out of time, until I get my life back. This is it too senior year; time flies. I promise you I will not drag on about wasting time and running out of it yet. Just so much emotion.

I am seeing things in such a new light with this relationship, I don't get worked up, I never get mad or stressed. I wonder if it is her, the one that changed my perspective and put things in order or, am I numb from everything else and actually bottling something getting ready to explode. I think it's both, I know I am bottling, I feel betrayed by someone I truly care about and I don't know how to handle it. I am ready to run, hit the deck, cover my head and prepare for the storm. I am ready to smack her sideways and just scream what the fuck. Yeah I said it, I am proud of it. I promised myself I will handle things with a new class about me, but that doesn't mean I will tolerate lies, tons of lies.

On the topic of lies, lets go right into rumors. I honestly am prepared for the worst with TSwift I know it will hurt and that's okay, but I am scared of how I will react. I need to be classy, I won't throw everything away on a lie, but I can't help but feel protective, I can't help but want to shield her. It's college, all women's college.

My mother is getting antsy as well, knowing I am going back, knowing this is her last year of control. I want to come out (again), I want to be the person I portray but that is easier said then down. Everything is on the line, my life, family, and money a lot of money. To date I wonder what is the right choice to blurt it out and run, or to wait. I don't want to lose my family, but I will. I am terrified that I will lose them forever and without them I am nothing but a memory to them, another name unspoken.

Like I said too much emotion, too much thought, too much time and yet, never enough.

I Hate.. You

You my friend, are a liar. Have you kept track of everything you have lied about, probably not but I remember. New friends are fun for a few months but I don't forget all the shit you said about her, when her life spiraled. Good luck in the future because I will be as fake to you as you are to everyone else. I hope you genuinely get hit with a hard dose of karma, legit get ready.

I hate liars. I hate them with a burning passion. Be upfront and straight or don't be anything. Stand up for what's right but don't intentionally start a fight. I am pissed, beyond pissed I am disappointed. Good luck in the future; you will soon figure out it's you I am talking to. You aren't even worth a phone call to let you know. I hope our friendship falls apart in the same way your life has and will. Get your shit together, I told you once I wont be fucked over again, so before you do I'm out.

Have a good life.

Vengeful Thinking

All the things I wish I said:

• I have doubts
• I need help
• I want you
• I am confused
• Stop hurting me
• I don't this to end
• I am in love
• You are a brat
• I need you
• I have more fear then doubt
• I miss my life
• I want more
• It's over

I don't want to be a bitch but it's going to happen. I am likable, people like me. I have fully given myself to Ti and her absence (in every sense of the word) is becoming too much. I opened my mouth, more than she can do for me these days. I spoke the truth. She decided to fight, and now I have been told Neighbor is a better choice (don't tempt me). I don't need this shit from you. I am so angry. You are effing oblivious. Ugh I hate writing angry, I make words up. I am done. Seriously suck it up and be there or go. It's that simple.

Vent Session

Let me tell you how I really feel, who are you to call A's parents, give me the run around, and tell me I am overreacting. She broke up with you. She doesn't love you. So tell me how you think you are at all suprior to me. You are not.

So help me god if I don't get a phone call this week, because of you. I will scream. I will be so angry. You will regret EVER sticking your nose where it doesn't belong.


I NEED NEW EFFING FRIENDS.

What's in a Word

Please someone please tell me that I am not the only person in this world who was told to "say what you mean and mean what you say."

If I was literally the only person ever given that lecture, please allow me.

Ever so often we walk into situations in which we are uncomfortable, uneasy, nervous, ect. in these situations especially we must always remind ourselves that it is worst to say something you don't understand, know, or believe in then to say nothing at all. We live in a world of free speech but let me be the first to say, just because you can say what you want doesn't mean you should. 


Okay now that the moral of the story is clear let me give you the back story.

Warning the words used in this blog entry are not appropriate and normally I wouldn't use them at all, sorry.


I was sitting at dinner at my school, in a very public, open space with CC, SR, and of course Ti enjoying my meal. At some point into my main course I over heard the girls behind me first muttering certain words (bitch, slut, whore, cee U next tuesday, lesbian p*ssy lickers and fag) thinking nothing of it because we go to college and normally curse where ever we want I went back to my food. Not ten minutes later the words were louder and vocalized in a much more derogatory manner, at this point my friends leave i'm pissed off and Ti is angry that our fun friend time was ruined. Ti left for class soon after and I decided enough was enough. I got up and sat down at their table and began the follow speech.

"I don't mean to interrupt your dinner but since you interrupted mine I find it totally necessary. I know that we are all woman here and should be adult enough to know that such harsh words and stigmas probably should not be shouted in a public space. Frankly, you have offended me and most of my friends and I would encourage you to do your ranting about lesbians, and all of the other words you choked up in a dorm where your immaturity won't have to be heard by others."

Following that little rant, I got looks from around the table and the littlest one with the biggest mouth replied..

"Listen cracker, I don't know what crawled up your ass and died but you should probably jump off a cliff and die a painful death. My n*ggas and I were just talkin.."

Okay well now I am angry.

"Okay ladies with those fighting words dropped I am going to leave you with this thought, please always remember you are never alone there is always someone an earshot away that might be offended by what you are saying. Just like if I sat at the table next to you and said because of the color of your skin you are not worthy enough to be at this school and you are all just n*ggers you would feel like shit frankly"


And with that I left, I was pissed off and angry but I knew that anything would be better than finishing that conversation. Needless to say, please remember what you say represents you and someone is always listening.

Rolling in the Deep

Without my best friend skies have been pretty grey lately, A calls weekly from bootcamp she loves it and sounds really good. Last night was my breaking point, I miss our daily motions through life if that makes sense. Having someone at your disposal daily is really refreshing and when that is taken it really sucks. I am becoming more depressed these days, working out gets me through some days others I just keep pushing through because that is what A would want. Having her back in a few weeks at least by phone will be so nice. I don't know why I broke down so badly last night, I am lonely and frankly it hurts more to know other then A everyone is here.

A dear friend told me yesterday that I am only as alone as I make myself, that's about half true. The way I see it I have two "lifers" in this world right now A who is in Texas and SC who has so many things going on, I feel guilty dumping my life on her shoulders.

My relationship with Ti is anything but stable these days, between work and school she is running out of steam quick, I want to help her but there is nothing I can do, not only is it frustrating but it stresses me out so much I can't sleep. Watching her life spiral out of control reminds me of the ever so familiar decent I took only 8 months ago. I feel myself loosing control slowly as well, I know I am being effed over by a certain someone, let's just save that for another day.

Life is tough, I own a helmet but I am in the market for a full body suit.

My Newest: FML.

I’m inlove with you. I can’t promise a future, I can’t promise perfection, because we’re us… and I’m me, and who knows what will happen. But in my heart, I am sure. I’m inlove with you and I hope you’re inlove with me too.

GREY’S ANATOMY

Double post? It must have been a weird day; yes. Ti and I are arguing daily, at this point I don't know where we stand, the cold hard truth is I don't know if we can do this. Everything  is a fight these days, Ti and I are different people. I sometimes just wish that "I love you" was enough for her. She worries about my parents and that I will change my mind, or take the easy way out instead of being involved with a woman. 


Ugh FML so depressing.

Advice, please. save my relationship.