I'm not sure where I'm really going with this post I just have some feelings that I need to sort out.
The Future- it's scary place for so many people, to me the future is so comfortable. I have always looked ahead not back, maybe it's because I make a lot of mistakes and just hate reliving them I'm not sure. Lately the future has been like haunting me around ever corner, like grad school and GREs, or what I'm doing this summer, where I want to live. What I have realized is that I am so excited, not in a rush my life away kind of way but in a these new exciting paths look so fun kind of way. Maybe the future and I are just on the same page, or maybe I am just ahead of the game either way I'm excited.
Immaturity- holy cow I could ramble about it for hours and hours probably because most of the people in my life are more than 50% immature or maybe because it just ticks me off. Looking back I should be a senior this year, I am not because of a ski accident that set me back for some time. I wish I was so badly though, people in my class are just young and different. It's not that I think I'm better than anyone or anything like that either, I just look at the world differently. I remember being like 10 hanging out with 12 years olds it always happens like that, why can I not just be smart enough to graduate earlier than early.
Finally and probably the real reason I am upset, stressed, and ugh just feeling blahhhh is that S and I finally exchanged all of our stuff. It was really hard, she was so cold and I rightfully deserve it I think that's what sucks. I can't be mad at her, and I deserve everything she dishes out to me. I never meant to hurt her, however I needed to get out and the only way I had was to hurt her. She loved me so much, people tell me I'm a foul maybe I am S would have loved me forever. I wasn't happy though, and I would rather be alone and happy than with someone and unhappy. I haven't really cried either, I mean a tear here and a sigh but other than that no emotion probably because I feel like I don't deserve to be sad I mean I did it. Whatever it's over and the relationship I'm in is healthy and I am happy very happy now I just hope karma doesn't come bite me, she could totally F me over pretty easily.
Okay I am done, I'm going to watch a movie and fix myself. Wish me luck.
Chubbie Chick Lesson # 46 - It's okay not to be scared of the future.
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