After the greatest weekend, my love life down shifted to straight hell last night. Frankly I would love to write about it, tell you all my frustrations, worries, concerns, and temptations but I can not. I have chosen to censor myself on account of many things but mostly I don't want to hear gripe from anyone on my side and how I feel (even though this is my Blog and I think it is ridiculous). Instead of all this I will tell you about my strengths because I need to stop harping on my faults.
Life is hard, I do not want anyone to think that I do not know this but my life this summer is becoming harder than anything I have ever faced. I have many friends, good and true but they are far away and I can't help but feel guilty calling them to cry and whine because deep down I know they are struggling too. I guess this would be my first strength; being alone and coping. It has always been a struggle for me to be all alone, I am a people person and feel alone mostly when there are no people around.
The hardest has been Ti, I love her I truly do but she has worn me down, and the only powerful feelings I have anymore are resentment. I don't want to loose her but I don't know if the humans we are, are the same as humans we were. Part of me wants to scream at her and beg for our old love back, the other wants to run in the opposite direction from all the pain she has cause. The pain is the worst, truly the pain is almost unbearable. But beyond the pain there is deceit and I always said I would not date a lier, I would not date anyone who could be honest; however, I am. Ti in the past week has done both and instead of swiftly kicking her to the curb I find myself begging her to stay. I am calling this my second strength, because I truly don't know how I deal with half this shit.
Staying off topic- I guess I need to get all of this out. I love her, god damn do I love Ti if I didn't then why would be here still. But half the time I need to find a way out and the other half I need her. Why can't I let go of this painful cycle, I want happiness and I want love neither of which I can figure out. I have tried talking to her I really have and I am at such a great loss, I think it's time to cut ties and figure out if I can break even- but I can't let go.
I hope you're able to be honest with yourself even if you can't fully open up here (totally understandable) most of us don't want to hear 'the truth' and learn to not say anything...my advice never become that person, you'll become your own worst enemy.
ReplyDeleteAs for the other stuff...
I can seriously relate! I was the type to NEVER want to be alone because I was so terrified! I didn't know how to function alone because I was always in long relationships from an early age and I stayed in those relationships just for that reason. I don't regret anything because all those experiences and choices I made turned me into the person I am today. But I forced myself to be alone and it was the most difficult choice ever, I walked away from everything I ever knew. It was a very unhealthy relationship and thankfully I did have great friends to be there for me.
Don't get me wrong shit was fucking hard and it didn't happen overnight I fought with myself not to call, not to go back (I always did in the past), and I did all the 'what ifs' and 'maybes' but I eventually found myself again and it's been 6 years since that change and let me tell you best fucking thing I ever did for myself!
The most painful realization is knowing that a person can in fact change and never be who they once were or they never really the person we thought they were. If that makes any fucking sense.
Keep busy, find a hobby, consume every minute of your life with the things you stopped doing and take it day by day is all I can say.
Sorry for rambling on like a crazy fix it bitch. Just smile :)
you are stronger than you think, you always have been
ReplyDeleteYou are both amazing. Thank you.
ReplyDelete