I don't really know how to title this post; I can't see it going in any particular direction besides out. Out of my mouth, out of my head, off my shoulders, and onto those who deserve to carry it. My life is crazy; back to school in five days. I am carrying so much emotion five days, until I say my goodbyes, until I see my girlfriend, until I run out of time, until I get my life back. This is it too senior year; time flies. I promise you I will not drag on about wasting time and running out of it yet. Just so much emotion.
I am seeing things in such a new light with this relationship, I don't get worked up, I never get mad or stressed. I wonder if it is her, the one that changed my perspective and put things in order or, am I numb from everything else and actually bottling something getting ready to explode. I think it's both, I know I am bottling, I feel betrayed by someone I truly care about and I don't know how to handle it. I am ready to run, hit the deck, cover my head and prepare for the storm. I am ready to smack her sideways and just scream what the fuck. Yeah I said it, I am proud of it. I promised myself I will handle things with a new class about me, but that doesn't mean I will tolerate lies, tons of lies.
On the topic of lies, lets go right into rumors. I honestly am prepared for the worst with TSwift I know it will hurt and that's okay, but I am scared of how I will react. I need to be classy, I won't throw everything away on a lie, but I can't help but feel protective, I can't help but want to shield her. It's college, all women's college.
My mother is getting antsy as well, knowing I am going back, knowing this is her last year of control. I want to come out (again), I want to be the person I portray but that is easier said then down. Everything is on the line, my life, family, and money a lot of money. To date I wonder what is the right choice to blurt it out and run, or to wait. I don't want to lose my family, but I will. I am terrified that I will lose them forever and without them I am nothing but a memory to them, another name unspoken.
Like I said too much emotion, too much thought, too much time and yet, never enough.
The first time i stumbled across your blog i got this feeling that i knew exactly what you are going through. I'm reading this post today & getting that same feeling. Life is tough sometimes, but that's part of the ride. Just try & enjoy it as much as you can. When you can feel yourself getting wound up, take a few minuets to think about what you are getting stressed about. Try to rationalise everything...if that doesn't work then vent on here because i love reading about it! I'm glad you are back to blogging more :)
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