I am finding that as I become slightly more jaded than ever before I do not and will not give people as much of the benefit of the doubt as I did before. I am honestly sick of being wrong and tired of questioning friendships that I thought were going to last a lifetime. However with all these very negative feelings I am finding the small lights that are shining through, those are the people who deserve my love and my attention more then anyone else. Many of them probably don't even know how important they are to me but together they are completely changing the tone of my senior year. It's a hard lesson learning not to care about the dirty looks, backstabbing, and of course the shit talking. I know I am not all that great at it, but I myself see an improvement and that's honestly all that matters.
I think I will leave it all at that.
Goodnight,
M.
1.20.2012
1.12.2012
Emotions
Alright who was I kidding thinking that with a new year came a new positivity that would clear every bad mood, I was so naive someone please pull me off my positive train next time. Here I am thinking everything is great, fine, dandy, and I realized I didn't feel right; I was stressed and over emotional and the fact that I was in a bad mood pissed me off. Disastrous chain of thoughts may I add.
So what did I do? Step one texted someone who cares and could briefly accept my bitching and tell me to stop when it was time. Step two tell myself that I was acting like a baby and to get over it. Step three have a good cry. Step four write a blog. I feel better and am optimistic that I just pushed through a lot of emotion by myself and did it relatively quickly.
Sometimes I need to remember it's not about being perfect just about bettering yourself.
Wishing all of you a snowy night,
M.
So what did I do? Step one texted someone who cares and could briefly accept my bitching and tell me to stop when it was time. Step two tell myself that I was acting like a baby and to get over it. Step three have a good cry. Step four write a blog. I feel better and am optimistic that I just pushed through a lot of emotion by myself and did it relatively quickly.
Sometimes I need to remember it's not about being perfect just about bettering yourself.
Wishing all of you a snowy night,
M.
1.09.2012
My 5 Step Plan
Okay let's recap, four years with a that was ended in turmoil, decided to date girls because they just want to have fun; them of them one of which is a tragic heartbreak I just couldn't get myself back on my feet. Flash forward through four years in college and here I am. Single, straighter then ever, and unable to decide if my life has completely turned around or I have stuck my head in the sand.
Talking to guys is different, I feel like after everything I have been through I would have a handle on dating however I am still walking in circles. This may have something to do with the approximate five demons I need to face within the next month; graduation, another ex girlfriend, back to school, some undeserving friends, and one really huge piece of closure that I need to start to figure out. Let's see if i can break this down since I can't seem to do it in my head.
1. Graduation: It hit me the other day real hard, one semester left less then four months to have it all figured out. To prepare myself for the next chapter and receive closure on the last four years.
2. Another ExGirlfriend: By the time I get back I know I will be able to handle anything that gets thrown my way, but still no one likes being proven right in the way I was this month and I need to get my shit back. Fairly simple.
3. Back to School: Time to set up my game, I am not a floor mat.
4. Those Undeserving Friends: It's basically time they get cut off, no one likes to be a bitch but I need to take charge of my life. Don't worry kids it's just some good clean fun.
5. Closure: There is this looming issue that like a rain cloud hangs over my head and changes my mood all the time. I intend to rid myself of this cloud in one of two very critical ways fix it or blow it up, within the month I gotta figure out if I am gonna burn that bridge again.
So that's it those are my issues, I could have it so much worst believe me I know. None of these things are terribly difficult and I figure that I will be able to have them all done but they are tedious and I am coming off the most relaxing break. I just don't want to be where I was when I left, I wont go back there not this time.
One more semester, life flies when you're living right.
Goodnight Everyone,
M.
Talking to guys is different, I feel like after everything I have been through I would have a handle on dating however I am still walking in circles. This may have something to do with the approximate five demons I need to face within the next month; graduation, another ex girlfriend, back to school, some undeserving friends, and one really huge piece of closure that I need to start to figure out. Let's see if i can break this down since I can't seem to do it in my head.
1. Graduation: It hit me the other day real hard, one semester left less then four months to have it all figured out. To prepare myself for the next chapter and receive closure on the last four years.
2. Another ExGirlfriend: By the time I get back I know I will be able to handle anything that gets thrown my way, but still no one likes being proven right in the way I was this month and I need to get my shit back. Fairly simple.
3. Back to School: Time to set up my game, I am not a floor mat.
4. Those Undeserving Friends: It's basically time they get cut off, no one likes to be a bitch but I need to take charge of my life. Don't worry kids it's just some good clean fun.
5. Closure: There is this looming issue that like a rain cloud hangs over my head and changes my mood all the time. I intend to rid myself of this cloud in one of two very critical ways fix it or blow it up, within the month I gotta figure out if I am gonna burn that bridge again.
So that's it those are my issues, I could have it so much worst believe me I know. None of these things are terribly difficult and I figure that I will be able to have them all done but they are tedious and I am coming off the most relaxing break. I just don't want to be where I was when I left, I wont go back there not this time.
One more semester, life flies when you're living right.
Goodnight Everyone,
M.
1.06.2012
Logistics of Life
I have a new theory on life, it came to me today while I was standing in line this is important because I ask you all to put yourself in a similar situation. Life doesn't really wait for you to move in fact you are born into a busy world and will ultimately die in a similar world. No one ever really stops very long and certainly never asks if you need to pause, is it me or am I way in left field here? Sometimes I think I am like Sophocles feel free to knock me down a few notches.
So in this fast pace world everyone is doing something, even when you're doing nothing so does that mean our lives are almost premapped out for us in a series of decisions kind of like the web quizzes you take in Cosmo (yeah i just compared life to a Cosmo quiz) but the only difference is at the end there's only one ; death. Either way I am ultimately getting to the same place as everyone else but depending on my course depends on how long it takes.
I swear I am not out there I just really started harping on it this afternoon and couldn't shake the notion that I am just completing a series of objects before I die. God okay now I sound morbid. Guys am I crazy here, does anyone out there ever feel like you're just going through the motions of a planned logistics map?
"Have some fun in this world it isn't like you're going to make it out alive anyway."
Who knows,
M.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad
So in this fast pace world everyone is doing something, even when you're doing nothing so does that mean our lives are almost premapped out for us in a series of decisions kind of like the web quizzes you take in Cosmo (yeah i just compared life to a Cosmo quiz) but the only difference is at the end there's only one ; death. Either way I am ultimately getting to the same place as everyone else but depending on my course depends on how long it takes.
I swear I am not out there I just really started harping on it this afternoon and couldn't shake the notion that I am just completing a series of objects before I die. God okay now I sound morbid. Guys am I crazy here, does anyone out there ever feel like you're just going through the motions of a planned logistics map?
"Have some fun in this world it isn't like you're going to make it out alive anyway."
Who knows,
M.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad
1.05.2012
A Whole New World
Life has been so crazy. I have written for Confessions over the past few months only a few times and of those times only a few have been published. To start a lot has happened, different from previous times however I will not talk about it. I am moving forward because there is no turning back. I made mistakes, I don't apologize.
That being said let us speak of the New Year, like everyone else on the Blogsphere I brought in the New Year in a classy way that was a little bumpy for a bit but somehow made it right back to where it should have been; single. This time around it isn't a bad thing, and with impressive rumors of my whorish lifestyle I am sad to report most of all the accusations are false.
When the clock hit midnight there was no magical kiss, no I love you forevers, I did not get laid, and I unfortunately was hardly buzzed. I was standing under an amazing display of fireworks, with people who truly care for me in a way that I have not seen in a very long while, and with hundreds of strangers around me I finally saw something I had missed all my previous New Years before.
I was okay being alone, I was happy with my single glass of champagne, and when my phone rang at 12:02 and it was my mom I was more then satisfied everything was perfect. I can't tell you it was an epiphany because I think I have known it for years, I just wasn't ready to accept it. I'm not afraid of being alone, I'm not afraid of the unknown, and it's okay. Are there people reading this thinking that I am overly redundant, probably. But let me assure them if this realization has hit you, then you know exactly what I am talking about.
Leaving out the rest of the details until I can share photos with you all, I should move on to my non-New Year Resolution; I pledge to fully accept the cards I have been dealt and to welcome with open arms my new slightly flawed life plan. I hope you can all hear this pouring out of my soul with fluent sincerity because I have written this post so many different ways but tonight after yet another amazingly challenging day it finally feels real.
I ask everyone of you to give me a chance, I think there are going to be some major changes coming my way, and towards Confessions. I have changed things up before but never like what I am planning. In all honestly I had a farwell post written and saved, I was that close to giving it all up when I remembered something very important.
"Without past mistakes there is no new lessons to be made in the future."
Goodnight,
M.
That being said let us speak of the New Year, like everyone else on the Blogsphere I brought in the New Year in a classy way that was a little bumpy for a bit but somehow made it right back to where it should have been; single. This time around it isn't a bad thing, and with impressive rumors of my whorish lifestyle I am sad to report most of all the accusations are false.
When the clock hit midnight there was no magical kiss, no I love you forevers, I did not get laid, and I unfortunately was hardly buzzed. I was standing under an amazing display of fireworks, with people who truly care for me in a way that I have not seen in a very long while, and with hundreds of strangers around me I finally saw something I had missed all my previous New Years before.
I was okay being alone, I was happy with my single glass of champagne, and when my phone rang at 12:02 and it was my mom I was more then satisfied everything was perfect. I can't tell you it was an epiphany because I think I have known it for years, I just wasn't ready to accept it. I'm not afraid of being alone, I'm not afraid of the unknown, and it's okay. Are there people reading this thinking that I am overly redundant, probably. But let me assure them if this realization has hit you, then you know exactly what I am talking about.
Leaving out the rest of the details until I can share photos with you all, I should move on to my non-New Year Resolution; I pledge to fully accept the cards I have been dealt and to welcome with open arms my new slightly flawed life plan. I hope you can all hear this pouring out of my soul with fluent sincerity because I have written this post so many different ways but tonight after yet another amazingly challenging day it finally feels real.
I ask everyone of you to give me a chance, I think there are going to be some major changes coming my way, and towards Confessions. I have changed things up before but never like what I am planning. In all honestly I had a farwell post written and saved, I was that close to giving it all up when I remembered something very important.
"Without past mistakes there is no new lessons to be made in the future."
Goodnight,
M.
12.11.2011
Haters
I'm a grumpy kid this time of year, but right now I am even grumpier then usual. Incase you were wondering there are a bunch of shit talkers focusing on my life this week and frankly I am going to nip this whole thing in the butt right now. Here is my letter to them, you can also find this on my tumblr.
Click Me Baby
Dearest Gossipers,
I am single and I know you all know what that means, it's time for you all to run your mouths. In an attempt to save you all a little time I have compiled a list of several shit talking points, I advise you to embellish them as much as you want in order to receive the most rapid spread of pure gossip. The list goes as follows:
Love,
The Chubbie Chick
Click Me Baby
Dearest Gossipers,
I am single and I know you all know what that means, it's time for you all to run your mouths. In an attempt to save you all a little time I have compiled a list of several shit talking points, I advise you to embellish them as much as you want in order to receive the most rapid spread of pure gossip. The list goes as follows:
- Kayla (my ex) and I still talk, in fact we are good friends.
- There is a boy in my life, yes I refer to him as Blue Eyed Sexy Time.
- I was in New York all weekend drinking obscene amounts.
- I text roughly 20 people a day.
- In a recent study 99.98% of people called me a flirt.
- I'm sexy and I know it.
- On this past scandalous night I was spotted with 3 different guys in a theatre!
Love,
The Chubbie Chick
12.05.2011
Creation
Not speaking of the biblical kind, I'm talking about the kind people work on our their lives, the kind no one ever does right, the kind that is meant to screw up. It would be and understatement if I merely said I was headed back to the drawing board, remember my path the I had all figured out? Well it was a decent path until I walked into the brick wall. I haven't wrote on account of my bitter attitude and shitty self pity I inflicted on anyone who dared asked me if I was okay.
Our bond is broken, it crashed and burned. I can't say that I am sad either, our dysfunctional relationship was a mess, yeah just a hot mess. There is a part of TSwift that will be in my heart always but for once I feel more mature then ever in saying; my happiness began to matter. Yes, I got claustrophobic and much of the stress is because of me but none the less life happened, I grew up, and I meant what I said and said what I meant. I need to be happy, my happiness mattered.
I would say things were mutual between us but the actions that took place just moments after our breakup changed my feelings forever. "Life choses your path, you chose your attitude" if this quote is true her attitude was shitty. She called her ex, talked shit about me, and broke several girl's hearts.Yeah, I am bitter. She texts me a lot now. She misses me. She loves me. She is breaking my heart.
Worst part is I'm over it. I am ready to build myself back up and find myself and my happiness. I want to give her another chance but I can't trust it, if we are meant to be she will find away until then I will be here; listening to love songs and hoping for a better tomorrow but not complaining about today. The mutual feelings we had were true,we tried our hardest and it didn't workout. Some harm, a couple fouls, two broken hearts one ready to move on, and the other will figure it out I know she will.
Our bond is broken, it crashed and burned. I can't say that I am sad either, our dysfunctional relationship was a mess, yeah just a hot mess. There is a part of TSwift that will be in my heart always but for once I feel more mature then ever in saying; my happiness began to matter. Yes, I got claustrophobic and much of the stress is because of me but none the less life happened, I grew up, and I meant what I said and said what I meant. I need to be happy, my happiness mattered.
I would say things were mutual between us but the actions that took place just moments after our breakup changed my feelings forever. "Life choses your path, you chose your attitude" if this quote is true her attitude was shitty. She called her ex, talked shit about me, and broke several girl's hearts.Yeah, I am bitter. She texts me a lot now. She misses me. She loves me. She is breaking my heart.
Worst part is I'm over it. I am ready to build myself back up and find myself and my happiness. I want to give her another chance but I can't trust it, if we are meant to be she will find away until then I will be here; listening to love songs and hoping for a better tomorrow but not complaining about today. The mutual feelings we had were true,we tried our hardest and it didn't workout. Some harm, a couple fouls, two broken hearts one ready to move on, and the other will figure it out I know she will.
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