Back to School

"There comes a point in your life when you realize who really matters, who never did, and who always will. "

The past few weeks have been incredibly eye opening, and Thanksgiving was when the light finally turned on for me. Being bullied in high school has always been in my mind, the worst thing that ever happened to me. Looking back the bullying really made me who I am today and I am proud of the woman I have become. I have always had problems putting myself first, it's like I said before I will always put other people's happiness in front of my own because, seeing people happy makes me happy.

In the past week a friend of mine has really needed a lot of help, and her girlfriend as well. I put them first in every aspect I could, I really tried, I wanted to make everything better. Now I think I have made everything worst. They both are okay, and we all seem to be getting along but I just can't seem to find a happy medium in my life how much friendship is too much or, too little. It's hard and I always fuck it up.

On top of this unplanned crisis, my walls are up, higher than they have ever been before. A destroyed my trust in the human race. I see her and I want to push her down and kick her just to throw it in her face, show her how I feel, I hate her. I made a huge mistake taking her in as a friend and letting her so close to me, that will be one mistake I will never make again EVER.

To finish the two weeks from hell my dad went to the hospital on Thanksgiving, he is getting better but it scared the shit out of me. I am not ready to lose him, or any other members of my family right now. My dad and I had a terrible relationship for years, and now that we're better I realize my time with him is precious and I am so like him, I need to spend more time with him. My mother obviously does not support this, or my step mother. No one knows about him either, I don't want to talk about it, it scares me.

All of this is so hard, I am looking for a new outlet, something to make me feel love and life like I used to, well someday, I have hope.

Chubbie Chick Lesson # 39- Amber Mowers go to hell.