Feelings.

I am feeling a lot of emotion right now. I really don't know what to do about it except to try and type it out with some sappy music in the background. How do we really determine our happiness. More specifically am I happy? I really am in a weird place in my life, things with T have kinda died down we both have began developing feelings for other girls so our little fling maybe over. I am okay with this though. I have a girl on my mind, is this too soon? Am I just missing S, I feel like I am trying to fill her gap and that's not my intentions. Subconsciously I can not stop thinking of someone. What am I really doing with my life, I miss S. But we are done, I had a realization today while having a conversation with a great friend.

I got comfortable, S was too. We began getting into this routine that made me... bored. Looking back to when I first met her she was a challenge, then a vacation, after the vacation was over and the unpacking was done I slowly planted my feet. Does this analogy make sense? She used to keep me on my toes, again this is partially my fault too. I want this exciting love I see my friends portray. Love is supposed to be exciting, terrible, passionate, and exhausting all in a moment. I want that.

So about this new girl. She isn't my type. She isn't someone I have ever considered. But I think about her so much, moments fly by that I get lost in my own mind. I feel ALIVE. What am I doing realistically:

I am setting myself up for failure, it's too soon. T was a better idea, she was a rebound. But T and I went full circle. I had my rebound. Am I really ready for something more, I have no fucking clue. I don't want to hurt her. I could hurt her, is a warning enough? Maybe I should work on things between S and I. NO. S and I are done. I love her, or did I love her? WHAT AM I DOING. Is this all too soon?

Happiness. I don't know what this is. Should I kiss her, see where it takes me? WHAT AM I DOING. DONE! I just told her I liked her, no turning back now. Whatever happens: happens. This is your life, Carpe Diem. I need to do something crazy I need to be, the other me. No sadness, no regret, no concern. Balls to the walls! Go big or go home? Lets see what happens.


Chubbie Chick Lesson #30 - What am I doing? I'm living.